


The Theory of Strength

by previouslysane



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, Multi, Not in the 2nd person, POV Karkat, You're Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-04-24
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 42,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/previouslysane/pseuds/previouslysane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to climb out of a hole that your past dug for you is exhausting. The rocks that you thought were steady crumble beneath your feet, and you fall back down into the dark mud. You don't imagine that you could ever escape. Karkat has been trying to get his life together for two years, but he's been at the same job doing the same menial tasks that he's always done. He's completely resigned to living his life without too much invested emotion. And then, of course, he meets John Egbert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_**September 2012** _

"Dave's getting a roommate, you know, right?" Terezi said, her feet up on the table and a lollipop in her mouth. The radio was on next to her, and she turned the tuning knob back and forth, catching bits of hysteric auto commercials and a saxophone solo, but it was mostly the static that she was interested in.

"Jesus, Terezi, I know." Karkat called from the kitchen. He was scrubbing out a large metal bowl, wearing his apron and big yellow rubber gloves. He had his chin-length hair pinned out of his face with bobby pins so it wouldn't get in his eyes while he was doing housework. One of the benefits of having a blind roommate was not worrying about being teased about appearances. "You've told me about sixteen times."

"Ooh, then I should probably make it seventeen." She smiled, licking the cherry lollipop. "Did you know that one David Strider is getting a new roommate this evening?"

"No, I didn't." Karkat turned to her, dropping the bowl in the sudsy water. "Please, Terezi, more times. Tell me more."

"Dave's getting a roommate!"

"More, yes more!" Karkat shouted.

"Roommate! A roommate!" She sung, standing up and grinning ear to ear. Karkat threw his head back and moaned.

"Louder, come on, who's getting a roommate?"

"Dave!" She shouted.

"What's Dave getting?"

"A roommate!!" She jumped up and down.

"Oh sweet tit fucking Lord, that never gets old." Karkat breathed, wiping off his forehead. "You should really tell me about Dave's new roommate more."

"You're coming to the dinner with him tonight, right?" Terezi made her way over to Karkat, running her hand against the wall to ensure that she didn't trip.

"Can't. I've got work at Generic Coffee Shop tonight." Karkat said, drying off a spoon and placing it in the drawer. Terezi leaned on the countertop and frowned.

"Awww... Can't you call in fake-sick and come meet Dave's BFF?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Well since that six-letter word was so beautifully said..." Karkat rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at a blind woman. It's rude." She slapped him on the arm and Karkat snickered.

"I will roll my eyes all I fucking want, your blindliness." Karkat dried the last mug and unstoppered the sink. "I'm going to work soon, actually."

Terezi pouted. "Who's gonna help me pick out what to wear?"

"Not me." Karkat said, taking off his gloves and apron and hanging them up behind the pantry door. "I've got a living to haul in."

"Go haul in the livingest of all the livings, Kitkat." Terezi said. "And don't you dare enjoy one moment of it."

"No fucking problem, your grace." Karkat said, picking up his bag and hat and left the apartment.

 

* * *

 

Generic Coffee Shop, or as it was known to the city, 'Café All Day', was a half-decent café six blocks away from Karkat and Terezi's apartment. The benefits of working at the place that he hated was that Karkat got one, as much hot chocolate as he wanted, and two, a decent pay for working downtown. Generic Coffee Shop was a twenty-four/seven establishment because they were relatively close to the airport. When businessmen needed their coffee to go on their six hour flight to Shitstain, Texas-- Karkat was there to ask if they wanted whipped cream or a cookie for an extra 50 cents. He hated businessmen. He hated coffee and he hated his fucking shitty job.

But Karkat never loved his job more than he did the night that he saw the sweetest smile on this earth.

It was halfway through his shift, about two hours in, and the night was starting to wear on him already. The sun hadn't even set yet and he could already feel the exhaustion poring over him. He needed to look through the classifieds that night to pretend that he would quit his job when it was really just wishful dreaming. He needed to check his email. He needed to pay bills. He hated being an adult. It was stupid as shit.

The door jingled as customers walked in. Karkat was grateful. Anything to pull him from his thoughts was welcome about now.

"Welcome to Café All Day, how may I help you?" Karkat said, automatically. He was face-to-face with the one and only Dave Strider. He smirked at Karkat.

"Can I get an entire cup of just whipped cream?" He asked.

"Jesus, Strider. No. You can not get an entire cup of whipped cream." Karkat sighed. "What are you even doing here. Don't you have to pick up a roommate or something?"

"That's what I just came from, nubs." Dave said, A brown-haired boy tinkled the door as he entered. "See?"

The boy lowered the scarf to reveal pinched pink cheeks and the brightest blue eyes behind sparkling rectangle spectacles. He smiled and Karkat nearly laughed at how adorable his little bunny teeth were. He had wide bright eyes and a small, cute smile. Karkat muttered 'shit' before falling desperately for this boy.

"Hi!" He said approaching the counter. "Dave's told me a lot about you! You're Karkat, right?"

"Uh..." Karkat said. "Yeah. Karkat Vantas." Karkat said.

"I'm John Egbert." The blue-eyed bespeckled boy responded. He held out his hand for Karkat to shake. Karkat shook it. "I know how to pick through all of Dave's bullshit, so don't worry about what he's told me."

In fact, Karkat had not been worried about what Dave might've said until John said that. He was still in awe that the boy in front of him existed.

"Wait, hold the fuck up, what did you say about me?" Karkat directed at Dave. Dave shrugged. "I just said that you were my girlfriend's roommate. That's it. And I may or may not have added the fact that you wear a frilly pink apron and yellow rubber gloves to do the dishes like a fucking 50s housemaid."

"Don't worry, Karkat." John said. "Dave wears a shower cap when cleaning the toilet."

"Woah, what the fuck, no I don't." Dave said, quickly. Karkat grinned and looked at John who was also smiling. It stopped Karkat's heart.

"I--" Karkat felt a flush run up to his cheeks. "Uhh... Did you want to order anything, John?" Karkat asked.

"Um... yeah, sure!" John said. "Let's see... is the Coffee any good?"

"I don't know, I fucking hate coffee." Karkat said. John laughed.

"You hate coffee, but you work in a coffee shop?" John giggled. "That's kind of funny, don't you think?"

"Not 'funny' so much as 'torturous'." Karkat said.

"Okay. I'll get a hot chocolate with whipped cream and... can you put vanilla flavoring in it, please?"

Fuck, John was adorable. "No problem." Karkat turned around, determined to create the most delicious hot chocolate the planet had ever experienced. It was kind of unfortunate given the tools available. He gave the plastic cup to John and rung it up.

John dug in his coat pocket for his wallet, but Karkat stopped him.

"No, this is on me." Karkat said. "I mean, the shitty beverages from this store are going to land you in the hospital anyway so you may as well save up your money for hospital bills."

"Are you sure?" John asked.

"Yeah, just take the drink. Enjoy it if at all possible." Karkat said. He swiped his own debit card and paid for the overpriced beverage. John took a sip from the drink and closed his eyes.

"Oh my god, it's so creamy." John said. "it's really, really good, Karkat!" He looked up at Karkat and Karkat swore that he was going to melt. "Thank you."

"N-no problem." Karkat said rubbing the back of his neck. "I mean, I figure you may as well get some sweetness in your life now that you're gonna be full-time Strider's roommate."

"Oh, I know how to deal with Dave. He's been my best friend since we were really little." John said.

"Now that you two are properly awkward acquaintances..." Dave straightened himself. "I think we need to get you moved in or something, Egbert."

"Yeah..." John said. "I don't look forward to doing all that..."

"I'll come over and help." Karkat jumped at the advantage, but cringed when he heard his own enthusiasm. "I mean... if you... if you need it or anything. Terezi's probably gonna be over there all the time, so I'm probably gonna... be around.... sometimes....."

"Yeah, that would be great! I'd love it if you helped out." John took another sip of his hot chocolate and got whipped cream on his top lip. Karkat had a reflex desire to kiss it off of him.

Dave laughed. Karkat jolted and looked over at him. Dave lowered his ridiculous shades to look through his long, pale lashes at Karkat. He raised his transparent eyebrow. Karkat felt his cheeks warm as he looked away.

"I'll see you later, Karkat!" John said, heading back out to the cold.

"See ya, Vantas." Dave said.

The door tinkled close. Karkat watched as the car pulled away. Karkat cussed loudly and knocked the stack of cups to the ground. He fucking hated it. He hated falling for someone. He hated his goddamn emotions. Karkat crushed a cup under his boot. He hated this fucking feeling flooding him again. He hated himself. He fucking hated himself.

Karkat fell to the floor and damned how easily he fell for someone. He didn't fall often, but when he saw someone... he fell.

"Fuck." Karkat murmured looking at all of the cups strewn on the floor. Well, at least it gave him something to do for the next fifteen minutes.

 

 

**~*~*~*~**

 

"I'm home." Karkat said, exhausted. It was nearly 2 am by the time his shift ended. At least he would get paid overtime for covering the shift of some asshole who didn't fucking show up.

"Took you long enough." Terezi murmured from the couch. "How was work?"

"Uneventful. Your boyfriend stopped by."

"He told me." Terezi said.

"How was the dinner? Did you girls gossip over a roast that you'd been slaving over all day?" Karkat hung up his bag and took his shoes off at the front door. He saw Terezi curled up on the couch hugging a pillow, her eyes closed. Her hair was pulled back in a bun away from her face. She was breathing evenly and slowly, each breath she took was important in her sleep. She didn't believe that she snored, but sometimes when she fell asleep listening to a movie, she would snore, just lightly. Karkat smiled gently. He reached out to help her up.

"I don't want to go to my room, I'm good here." She murmured, exhausted.

"Come on. You know how confused you get when you wake up and you're not in your bed. You screamed at me for hours once at 5 am when you fell asleep on the chair."

"I know, but does that mean I still have to get up?"

"Yes." Karkat said, sitting on the couch. Terezi sat up, her eyes still closed.

"Will you lay in bed with me?" Terezi rubbed her cheeks and eyes. Karkat took her hand and lead her towards the bedrooms.

Karkat grumbled dramatically for a few moments before smiling. "Alright. I'll lay in your bed with you. Tell me about how everything went." Karkat dropped Terezi's hand on the edge of her door and she made her way around her room to get her pajamas. They were bright red and silken. She stripped in front of Karkat and slid into her pajamas and under the covers. Karkat had brought her cane and placed it in the holder by her bed. He sat down on the bed next to her and she curled up again.

"So. Tell me about the dinner." Karkat asked, rubbing her back. Karkat was only sincere to Terezi whenever she would be unable to remember his sincerity. Terezi smiled into her pillow.

"John was surprised that I'm black." She mumbled. "I don't think Dave added that part in his description of me."

"That's kind of weird. Was he shitty about it?" Karkat jumped at a chance to find a flaw in John, but Terezi shook her head.

"No... it was just like... I think he would think that Dave would mention something like that to him... but he didn't even show John a photo of me."

"That's kind of a douchebag thing to do..." Karkat said. Terezi grinned.

"No it's not, Karkat." She snuggled her pillow more. "I never saw a picture of John, I only heard what Dave told me. Dave respected that and did the same for John."

Karkat's eyebrows raised and a smile began to curve his lips. "Well, fuck." He chuckled.

"He's amazing, Karkat." Terezi said. "If you ever told him I said that I'll fuck up all of your shits."

"Hey, no." Karkat put his hands up. "Don't worry. I'm not gonna be a part of your little ironic 'I'm completely apathetic towards you but I obviously need you more than anything' game that you two play for some reason."

"Good." Terezi nodded. She yawned and rolled over. "Okay. You're dismissed."

Karkat snorted. "Fine. I didn't wanna be here anyway." He stood up and crossed his arms.

"Get your tsundere ass away from me, pussykat." Terezi mumbled into her pillow.

"Night, asshole." Karkat chuckled, closing the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

Dave's apartment was quite larger than Karkat and Terezi's apartment. Dave worked as DJ downtown and just started producing music for the underground Electric scene. He made quite a living and was actually really popular in the music scene as a highly respected musician. His fans and sometimes his critics would make jabs at him for wearing sunglasses inside the clubs at night, but they didn't know about Dave's light sensitivity. Dave Strider would sooner come off as a major tool than accepting pity from people he barely knew. Dave Strider was a major tool anyway, so revealing his albinism wouldn't really change much.

Karkat and John were sitting in the living room with the TV on, John's feet curled up on the couch under him. Karkat's feet were on the coffee table and his arms stretched out on the sofa.

"I heard that you were surprised that Terezi was black." Karkat raised an eyebrow. "What a horribly racist shit you are, Egbert."

"I'm not racist!" John said, indignant. "I was just surprised, is all! Everyone that Dave's dated up until now has been..." John motioned to Karkat. "Your color! Indian and Native American and hispanic..." John shrugged. "He's never dated anyone who was extremely pale or extremely dark. That's why I was surprised."

"Terezi's not that dark!" Karkat said, indignantly. John shrugged.

"What's your nationality, Karkat?" John asked. Karkat grimaced and took his arms off the sides of the couch and put his feet on the floor.

"I'm Pakistani. Like, 400% Pakistani, I was born there." Karkat responded. "It just explains the color of my skin, not who I am as a person or anything, okay?" Karkat growled. "So don't fucking call me a terrorist or anything."

"Woah," John said. "I wasn't going to call you anything like that, Karkat!" John chuckled. "I'm pretty Irish, but you don't see me going around fighting anything. I just wanted to know. Apparently it's a sore subject, so I think I'll stay away from that, then." Karkat flushed a little bit, frowning.

"So, why are you here again?"

"I'm going to school in the city." John said. "I'm getting my graduate in teaching."

"What do you want to teach?"

"Probably 4th grade writing or something like that. Elementary School things." John shrugged. "I think I'm good around children."

"That is a talent that I will never possess." Karkat said. "So you're living with Strider because it's easier than living on-campus?"

"Yeah. Also, I missed by buddy!" John smiled. Karkat gagged at how adorable he was being. "Dad's paying for rent and school. He's saving a lot of money by me living here with Dave, so I'm glad I could be of that much help. I was thinking about getting a job, though. It'll be fun trying to be an adult for a change." Yep. Karkat wanted to punch Egbert in the face with his mouth.

"It is not fun being an adult. It is annoying and painful and some nights you have to eat nothing but jerky and it is shit." Karkat laughed. "Trust me, Egbert, live in your childhood as long as you can."

"You look pretty young, how far away from childhood are you anyway?"

Karkat clenched his jaw and looked down. "I'm twenty-three and I'm about twenty years away from childhood, alright?" Too heavy, Karkat. Maybe not yet. Karkat looked up and saw John's concerned look. He shrugged a little bit. "Mostly it's because I have like, a thousand brothers and sisters." John's eyes lit up.

"You have siblings? I've always wanted siblings!" He smiled. "What's it like?"

"Dear fucking God, It's like never getting your own bedroom. It's like sharing a cake for your birthday. It's like never getting a decent moment of sleep in your entire life. But yeah. It was alright, growing up. What's it like being in a house where quiet is a possibility?"

"Oh..." John sank back down into his seat. Fuck, Karkat, what did you say to upset him? "Well it was always just Dad and me. He had to work a lot, so he wasn't home often. I mean, whenever he was home, he was so fatherly that it made up for all the times that he was gone. And he never failed to bake me a cake every year on my birthday... but it was quiet a lot. Like, a lot. I was alone a lot. I was stuck in my home a lot. But it was okay, I guess! We should've switched lives as kids, and maybe we would be more grateful of the lives that we had."

No one would be grateful of the life that you had, now would they Karkat? Karkat sighed and shrugged. He forced himself to smile and offered to get John something more to drink. John declined.

Karkat walked back in the room with his drink and John was playing with the ends of his shirt.

"Don't tell Dave this, but I used to pretend that he was my brother." John said. "I met him on the internet when I was 8, and we've been in touch ever since. I didn't get to meet him until I was 12... but I used to pretend that we were siblings."

Karkat looked down at his feet.

"He grew up with his Bro, and he never had parents, you know? When he came over to my house, his Bro hit on my dad." John giggled. "It was probably one of the funniest things I'd ever seen." John shrugged. "I mean, he's my best friend, and I'm really glad that we're going to be living together. Even if he's an ironic douchebag."

"That's actually kinda cool," Karkat said. "I actually made a lot of friends on the internet. They end up being more like a family the longer you talk with them." Karkat sat back. "You're pretty cool, Egbert." He said. Fuck what was he saying? 'You're pretty cool?' Jesus what a shitty line. John chuckled.

"I'd like to think of myself as 'Hot' actually." He made this stupid face and batted his eyelashes at Karkat. Karkat felt his cheeks heat and cursed his pink undertones. He blushed, but only very lightly. John leaned back and laughed. "I think you're cool too, Karkat, don't worry."

"Hey Kitkat," Terezi called, walking in the room, arm linked with her boyfriend's. "We're going to Applebee's, wanna come?"

"Egbert, you up for it?" Dave asked.

"God, I hate being the third wheel...." Karkat grumbled.

"Let's be third wheels together," John said. "We can link arms all buddy-buddy like and wear shirts that say 'they force us to hang out with them so they can feel less guilty for leaving us out, but really they just want to be in a successful relationship in front of people so that's why we're here' on the backs." John said. Karkat raised an eyebrow.

"That's fucking ridiculous, Egbert." Karkat tried his hardest not to laugh. Karkat turned to Dave. "You're paying, you shit."

"You call me a shit and you expect me to pay? Fuck you, Vantas." Dave snorted.

"No, fuck you, Strider, for always dragging me along on your dates and then making me pay for the bill by not showing up. Do you fucking remember that? When you and Terezi left because you were so goddamn horny that i had to pay the fucking sixty dollar bill? Do you remember that little incident, shitstraw?"

"How could I forget, you never shut the fuck up about it." Dave said.

"Tits, Strider. If we're going out to eat, you're paying for me. I barely have enough money as it is."

"Jesus, Dave, just pay for the goddamn meal and stop bickering." Terezi sighed.

"Fine, fine." Dave waved his hand and walked to the door with Terezi on his arm. "Come on. Since I'm rolling in bitches and money, I guess I can donate to charity."

Karkat scowled. "Fuck you, Strider."

"Only in the sweetest of your dreams, sweetheart." Dave snickered. Karkat rolled his eyes and huffed, but followed suit.

"That's funny." John said, walking beside Karkat. "He likes you."

"He's a shit." Karkat scoffed.

"And he thinks you're a shit too, right? A good dynamic at least." John said. "I think it's a cool game that you two can play." John climbed into the car next to Karkat and closed the door.

"Yeah, Karkat. A game. Look at us playin word monopoly. Word Jenga. Word Pictionary." He grinned. "Using our mouths to play all kinds of games."

"Stop that shit." Terezi said. "Or I will suggest that you have platonic sex with my best friend."

John's eyes widened and bit his bottom lip with his bunny teeth and Karkat sighed.

"I am 100% on board with it, sugarlumps." Dave slid his glasses down his nose and wiggled his eyebrows at Karkat in the rearview mirror. "I will hit that delicious ass any time any place."

"Jesus Christ, do you have a Bachelor's Degree in skeezy ways to hit on people or something?" Karkat said. "I feel like I need to take a shower."

"A cold shower, maybe?" Dave grinned. John was giggling next to Karkat.

"Just drive the goddamn vehicle and pay for my goddamned meal." Karkat crossed his arms and slumped in the seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been working on this fic for months, let me tell you. It started off with one scene in mind, and it just evolved from there. This was actually based on a request for Daverezi pegging pwp... and I sort of... strayed from that.... a bit. Also, let me warn you now: this fic is M for its violence and some porn. But it's not an "M-rated fic". 
> 
> Anyway, please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will be alternating between the past and the present. Basically I'm trying to show how events in his past, and how it affects him now.
> 
> I'm really horrible at these Author's Note things. I feel that I should say something for each chapter. 
> 
> Okay. Lets do this thing. Lets do this fanfiction thing. ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ)

**_September 2008, 4 years ago_ **

Karkat wiped his brow after putting down the last of the boxes in their new apartment. The apartment was relatively small, two bedrooms and one bath, but the living area was pretty large. He was grinning wildly. He would never go back to Ohio. No one could ever make him go back to that shithole. This was a fresh start. He was going to make it in this city. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, but he knew that he was going to make it. He looked at the back of Sollux, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He’d made it. He was here with Sollux. Finally.

“Hey, KK…” Sollux turned around, grinning stupidly. “This is a good place, I’m glad you picked it out.” Sollux wrapped Karkat up in his arms and Karkat chuckled.

“It was cheap. I’m just glad that we’ve got our own fucking place.” Karkat said. “Can you believe it? We’re in a city two thousand miles away from our old lives, in an apartment that’s ours. I can’t fucking believe this.” Karkat laughed, his grin was ear to ear.

“You know how to pick ‘em, I’ll say that much.” Sollux swooped in and kissed Karkat on the lips before releasing him and walking to the kitchen.

Karkat was completely infatuated with everything that Sollux did. They had been dating since January this year, and these nine months that he and Sollux had been together was like living a life of someone else. He watched as Sollux walked to the kitchen and slid his finger down the countertop. He loved it. He watched as Sollux opened the empty refrigerator and closed it again. He loved it. Sollux was 5’10”, lean, and beautiful. He was as Korean as Karkat was Pakistani. He moved to Ohio when he was young, just after Karkat moved in the same neighborhood. They became friends instantly because of their differences. While Karkat stopped growing at 5’6”, Sollux grew elegantly. He was the object of many affections, even with the lisp. He was always a little odd, he had a bit of an accent and he loved computers more than relationships with other people. He could code like he was paid for it. He also insisted on wearing red and blue wire-frame glasses that matched with his heterochromic eyes.

“There’s a bed in here already, right?” Sollux asked. Karkat sighed.

“No.” Karkat said. “We’ve got to go out and get one. We can go down to Ikea and get a futon or something, we don’t have much money left.”

“Fuck, that’s right. We should probably look for jobs.” Sollux turned around and sighed. “Well, I mean… I could probably find something at Geek Squad or some shit.”

“I’ll just work at McDonald’s or something ridiculously similar.” Karkat sat on one of the boxes. “I mean, at least we’re here.”

Sollux smirked. “Yeah. We’re here.”

* * *

 

Night had fallen on the first day that they were in their new apartment, and it was ridiculously silent. Karkat was unpacking the boxes and Sollux was lying on the floor staring at the ceiling.

“You know the school that TZ and AA go to?” Sollux muttered. “That‘s like… four blocks from here, right?”

Karkat hesitated, but continued to unpack things. Of fucking course. Aradia Megido. She and Sollux dated for quite a while when they were in high school, Karkat harboring a crush for Sollux throughout the whole time. Aradia and Terezi left for the same college and it had taken Karkat and Sollux about half a week without them to decide that they needed to be wherever Terezi and Aradia were. Terezi was living with a girl named Vriska and Aradia was living on campus. Karkat glanced over at Sollux. He had refrained from mentioning Aradia much since they had gotten together, but Karkat knew that Sollux always had a sweet spot for her. Sollux sat up.

“KK?” he asked.

“Hm?” Karkat responded.

“I said something, and I know you heard me. What’s up?” Sollux cocked his head. It made Karkat’s heart jolt, but Karkat looked back at the boxes and continued to pile the books on top of the book shelf.

“Nothing.” Karkat muttered.

“Bullshit.” Sollux pulled his knees up to his chest. “What’s up?”

“Oh, just because I don’t respond, I’m wallowing or something?” Karkat scoffed. “Good fucking deduction there, Sherlock. I’ll be sure to call the presses to make sure they document this momentous observation.”

Sollux laughed through his nose and stood up. He slid his arms around Karkat’s waist.

“It’s because I mentioned AA, isn’t it?” He murmured against Karkat’s forehead. Karkat flushed with warmth.

“N-No.” Karkat stammered. “I just didn’t feel like responding to a self-answered question, is all.”

“You dick punch.” Sollux chuckled. “I can see right through you. Your tsundere veil can’t hide your insecurity from me.”

“Why do you have to phrase it like that? You make me sound like a blushing schoolgirl.” Karkat tried weakly to pull away from Sollux’s grasp.

“Well you’ve got everything but the skirt.” Sollux smirked.

“Shut the fuck up, Captor.” He said. “Alright. Yeah. Yes. I was thinking about you and Aradia. It ruffled my _thkirt_.” He mocked Sollux’s lisp, finally pushing from Sollux’s grasp. “Can you fucking blame me? You guys were really strong in high school, it… it would be kind of stupid of me not to worry.”

“KK…” Sollux looked him hard in the eye, the odd heterochromatic eyes hushing Karkat’s racing thoughts. “I’m here. With you. Right now. Me and AA are over, okay? It was a mutual thing. We’re done. Over. You and me? We’re gonna fuckin rock the world.” Sollux murmured before leaning forward to catch Karkat’s mouth. Sollux’s kisses were always sweet and soft in those days.

In those days, Sollux kissed him and meant it. He would say cheesy things that Karkat could find in a rom com that they had watched, and he would fall for it every time.

In those days, the early days, Karkat was glad to be in love with Sollux. He opened his heart completely and fully, as one does with a first love. Karkat wrapped his arms around Sollux’s neck and kissed him deeply.

Sollux loves you back, doesn’t he Karkat? Sollux is always there for you. What would your life even be without Sollux Fucking Captor?


	3. Chapter 3

_**November 2012** _

“Yo, Vantas.” Dave called into the Karkat’s room. “Hey. Hey Kat. Karkat. You.” 

“Fuck do you want at balls in the morning,” Karkat grumbled into his pillow. “What are you even doing here Strider?” 

“Three things. One, I was here because I had sex with your best friend last night and fell asleep. Two, It’s like 11 am. And three, do you wanna go see a movie with us?”

“Okay, thank you for that mental image--” Karkat pulled the blanket over his head and curled into a ball. “And what movie.”

“The Lorax.” Dave snickered. 

“Are you shitting me? Why would I go see that movie? I told you that it looked stupid as fuck. And what the fuck is Terezi doing going to see a movie? She can’t see!”

“I can listen to it you ass!” Terezi shouted from the next room. Karkat groaned and curled up tighter in a ball. 

“Don’t wake me up before 12 what the fuck is wrong with you.”

Terezi draped herself over Dave‘s shoulders and said, “The movie starts at 12, so you’d miss it.”

Karkat peeked over the sheets, his eyes open a millimeter and his brows furrowed to their maximum. “Oh no. I’d miss ‘The Lorax’. What a goddamned tragedy.” He rolled over to his other side. “Go the fuck away.”

“John’s coming.” Dave said. Karkat tensed. He hadn’t seen John that much since he started going to school full time. They talked a lot over Skype, but they hadn’t seen each other very much. John always said that he was really busy and he wanted to see Karkat a lot, but he never had the time. Karkat felt like a shit for wanting to see John so badly, but their online conversations made him so happy. 

“Why the fuck are you going to see the Lorax?” Karkat asked finally, sitting up. The blanket slid off his shirtless torso and he rubbed his eyes. 

“Wow.” Dave whistled. “Man. Look at all that scrawn.” 

Karkat flushed and pulled the comforter to his chin.

“Shut the fuck up you asshole!” He glared at Dave. “Why the fuck does some albino coolkid and his blind girlfriend want to go see a movie like the Lorax anyway?” 

“Because you don’t want to see it. I mentioned it to John, and he seems interested.” 

“And I thought it seems kind of cute!” Terezi said. “I think there are going to be songs in it.”

“Are you serious. Are you fucking serious.” Karkat sighed. 

“Yep.”

“You’re paying for me, Strider!” Karkat hissed. Dave shook his head. 

“Nope. If you want to come to the movies with John, you are going to pay for your own damned self. If you don’t want to come, then don’t.” Dave walked away and Terezi leaned against her cane and grinned at Karkat.

“What?” Karkat asked. 

“You’ve got a crush.” 

Karkat’s heart jumped and he glared at Terezi. “No I don’t!”

“Wow, that sounded very 7th grader of you, Karkat.” She snickered, wiggling her tongue at him.

“I--” Karkat flung the blanket off of him and threw his feet off the bed. “Shut up.”

* * *

Karkat couldn’t believe he was here at the movie theater with Dave and Terezi waiting for John. Dave was playing DDR, being casually fantastic at it and gathering a small crowd. Terezi was sitting next to Karkat and swaying softly. Karkat’s arms were crossed and he was looking at the door with a twinge of nervousness. It had been a few weeks since he had seen John. It pulled at his stomach. He was growing impatient. 

“Don’t worry, KittyKat.” Terezi leaned her head on Karkat’s shoulder. “He’ll get here.”

“I know he will.” Karkat swatted her hand away from his face. “Stop touching me.”

“No!” She giggled. “Just pretend I’m John.”

“Fuck off.” Karkat grumbled. 

“Hi Karkat!” Terezi put her hands up to her cheeks like John tended to do. “I’ve missed you so, so, so much!” She grabbed Karkat’s hands and brought them to her chest. “Let’s hang out! We should go on a date! Let’s go steady, Karkat. I really like you.” 

“Jesus, Terezi!” Karkat ripped his hands away. 

“I bet John is the type of guy to use the phrase ‘going steady’.” Terezi giggled. 

“I actually kind of am.” John said in Karkat’s ear. Karkat jumped at the sound and turned around. John was bent over, his blue eyes sparkling with his smile on his lips. “I just think it’s a cute phrase.” Karkat looked up at him.

“Hey, Karkat!” he said, smiling. He was wearing a knit hat and a hoodie. Fall had come over the city and it was a bit chilly. John wore the fall so well. He was wearing a pair of jeans that were well worn and had a bit of paint at the bottoms of them. His boots were scuffed and worn. His hoodie was a baby blue and made his eyes look so bright that it seemed unnatural. 

“Hi, John.” Karkat said.

“I’m glad I can finally see you.” He said, sticking his hands in his pockets. “It feels like it’s been forever. Where’s Dave?” He looked around. 

“He’s getting jiggy on the dance machine.” Terezi said. “And thanks for the hello.” She sniffed. 

“Sorry!” John said. “Hello Terezi!”

“It is customary for one to bow before addressing royalty.” She stated. John bowed low and apologized. 

“Sumimasen, Pyrope-san.” John said. 

“Ahh…” Terezi sighed wistfully. “Just like my animes.” 

John nodded and smiled, showing a few of his teeth that stuck down a little further than the others. It was really unbearably fucking cute. Karkat looked away.

“I’m actually kind of excited about this movie.” John said, sitting down next to Karkat. His skin was fucking flawless how was that even fair. 

“The Lorax? You’re excited for the Lorax?” Karkat scoffed. 

“Yeah.” John said. “It actually looks alright! It looks like decent animation and an okay plotline. I don’t know. I’m more for action movies. Like-- have you heard of Nicolas Cage?” 

Karkat gave a start and raised his eyebrows. 

“You’re fucking me, right?” Karkat said. “Yeah, I’ve heard of Nicolas Cage.”

“I love his movies so much.” John smiled. “Have you heard of Con-Air?”

“You’re actually serious.” Karkat laughed. “Dude, Nicolas Cage is a shit actor.” Karkat said.

John stuck out his lower lip in one of the cutest pouts that Karkat had ever viewed. 

“That is not true! He plays some very serious roles in some emotionally deep plots--”

“He’s an unbelievably shitty actor in horribly second-rate films.”

“Hey, John. If you want to tease him about anything, tease him about Julia Roberts.” Terezi interjected. “This boy is obsessed with romantic comedies.”

“Wow, shut the fuck up. There’s no way you can compare the acting talents of Julia Roberts to the shitspawn that is Nicolas--” John didn’t hear any of Karkat’s rant because he was laughing too hard. 

“Are you serious, Karkat? Julia Roberts?”

“Like you would even know what talent is, Egbert.”

“Regardless… romantic comedies? Things like ‘The Holiday’ and ‘Raising Helen’?”

“Woah--” Karkat’s eyes widened. “If you’re about to say one fucking thing about Raising Helen, I swear to god--”

“Heh, Karkat that movie has nothing, absolutely nothing on ‘Next’.” He crossed his arms. “You have to admit that Nic Cage was part of an elegant plot and his acting was superb.” 

Karkat stared at John with an entirely bewildered expression. 

“No, I don’t have to admit it! Because I’ve never even heard of that fucking movie!” Karkat raised his hands up. John actually covered his mouth and started giggling, that little shit. 

“We’ll have to watch it sometime, then. It’s good, I promise!” he said. “A lot of people don’t like Nicolas Cage.”

“Yeah, because he’s a terrible actor.” Dave came up behind John with his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, like Dave.” John rolled his eyes. “But I still would want to watch some movies with you! You can bring whatever chick flick you want to try and convince me that it’s not total poop. And I’ll bring a Nic Cage movie and try and convince you that he’s not total poop!” John said. 

“Yeah, the movie is starting in like, ten minutes.” Dave said, linking arms with Terezi. 

“You’ve been quiet this whole time…” Karkat turned to Terezi. Terezi shrugged and smirked at Karkat. 

“I’m enjoying the show.”

Karkat felt his stomach flip and he glared at Terezi. 

“Shut up.” he grumbled. 

“Aw, is that all you’ve got? That’s barely even wounding!” Terezi said. “Now come on, grumpy. We’re gonna miss the previews.”

* * *

Karkat’s heart was pounding in his chest. Sitting in the dark next to John proved to be more stressful that he had anticipated. The darkness made him braver, and he knew that he would have to stop himself from reaching out for John’s hand. The boy was just too kind and sweet, with just enough spunk to counter Karkat’s bitterness. All he could think about here in the dark sitting next to John is what his cheek would feel like under his lips. Karkat pressed his hands into his lap and looked down. No, Karkat. Don’t think about that. There’s nothing but rejection for you in that boy, and you know it. Karkat glanced over at Dave and Terezi. Dave was signing into Terezi’s hand. That was how they watched movies, generally. Dave would describe it to her, and Terezi would listen intently. He used to explain it out loud, but Terezi found it annoying when she couldn’t hear what was going on in the movie. So she learned how to understand sign language by touch. Karkat was watching this passively and envied them. He was used to envying Terezi and Dave’s relationship, but it had gotten so much harder now that he had been alone for so long. He looked back at John and his heart skipped a beat. 

John was staring intently at the movie, his eyes wide in excitement as the Once-ler pranced through a forest of truffala trees. John was smiling, but he didn’t seem aware that he was. He was so lost in the movie that it made Karkat’s stomach wriggle. Maybe this movie wasn’t that bad if John reacted to it in this way. 

John looked over at Karkat, and they caught eyes. John’s smile widened and he bit his lip and looked back at the screen happily. Oh Christ. Karkat hid his face with his hands and tucked his legs up against his body. Jesus fucking christ he was almost unbearably adorable. Karkat hid his face in his knees for the rest of the movie and repressed the urge to reach out for John’s hand.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really bad with staggering chapters, especially when I'm basically done with this fic. I just want to push the whole thing out there and have people read it.  
> Also, for your consideration, Sollux Captor is my obsession and my love. He is my favorite character on homestuck, though I just tried to utilize his character and stay unbiased in this fic. I tried that so hard that he may turn out to seem a bit of a villain.   
> ANYWHO.....  
> Tell me what you think!!

**_December 2008_ **

“What a shitty party.” Vriska said leaning back in her chair. “Where’s the booze and the bass?”

“It’s a housewarming party you dumbass,” Terezi said, flicking Vriska's forehead angrily. She swatted Terezi’s hand and got up. Karkat watched as Terezi slumped down on the chair. She looked at him. 

“What?”

“Nothing.” Karkat shook his head. “I just don’t feel like being here is all.”

“Is it Vriska? It's usually Vriska.”

“Nah.” Sollux said, stretching and lying his head down on Karkat’s lap. “We didn’t have a good night last night. We got a futon from IKEA but it‘s not the most comfortable thing to sleep on.” 

“Yeah,” Terezi chuckled. “You both look like shit.”

“Eat a dick.” Karkat said half-heartedly. Terezi snickered. 

“I’ll eat as many as I like, thank you very much Kitkat.” Terezi said. The doorbell rang and Terezi popped up to get it.

Vriska called from the kitchen. 

“Hey. You homos want anything to drink?”

“No,” Karkat yawned. Sollux sat up and Karkat leaned on his shoulder.

“Do you have any beer?” Sollux asked. Vriska tossed him a Bud and Sollux caught it. Terezi led two people into the living area. Aradia was beautiful as always. Even Karkat was taken aback by her stunning beauty. She didn’t have to try at all, she just woke up and was perfection. Her brown skin was golden and her bright brown eyes glittered always. She was a Mexican femme fatale, with a kind heart but a dark soul.

“Hi Sollux.” She said in a velveteen voice. “Hi Karkat.”

“Hey, AA.” Sollux said, smiling. He looked around Aradia and saw a large man standing behind her. “Who’s that?”

“Oh--” Aradia pulled the man into view. “This is Equius. He lives a few rooms down from me. We’re in a study group together.” She said. 

“Hello.” He responded in a deep voice. He was brown as well and had very long greased hair pulled into a ponytail. His muscles rippled through his hoodie and his boots fell with heavy steps on the tile. 

“Hey…” Sollux said. He stood up and went to shake Equius’s hand. Karkat heard a whimper as Equius shook. 

“Careful!” Aradia said. “Sorry, he doesn’t know his own strength.” she chuckled. Equius let go quickly and pulled his hand away. 

“My apologies!” he said, his forehead beading with sweat. “I didn’t mean to injure you.”

“You didn’t.” Sollux said, wincing as he nursed his hand. “I’ll be fine. I’m Sollux.”

“Ah, yes.” Equius stood straighter. “Miss Megido has said many pleasant things about you.”

“Oh… well…good.” Sollux said. “This is my boyfriend, Karkat.” 

“Hello.” Equius held out his hand to shake but Karkat shook his head.

“I’m fine with my hand in the position that it’s in currently, thanks.” 

Equius hesitated and awkwardly let his hand rest at his side. He clenched and unclenched his fists and looked to Aradia for instruction.

“This is a fantastic apartment, Terezi.” Aradia smiled. “It has a lovely view of the city and the windows bring in a great natural lighting.”

“Yeah. I hate reading to lamps so I tried to get as many windows as I could.” Terezi said. “Vriska wanted this shabby place that was in bumfuck nowhere that was basically a dungeon.” Terezi shook her head. “The lighting was shit.”

“The lighting was fine, thank you very much.” Vriska came into the room with a drink in her hand. Her breath already smelled of alcohol. “And it wasn’t nowhere. It was right down the street from the drifts.” 

“Drifts?” Sollux asked. 

“The illegal automobile races.” Equius supplied. Vriska looked at him with a smirk. “I used to enhance some of the vehicles for a few of the people who raced there.” 

“So you wanted to go to some Tokyo Drift type shit? That’s why you wanted an apartment in the shittiest part of town?”

“It’s not just the cars, Rezi.” Vriska plopped down next to her. “It’s the bars and the boys too.” 

“I’m trying to become a lawyer, Vriska, not a delinquent.”

“Why not both?” Vriska snickered, sipping her cocktail. Karkat watched on as Equius started talking to Vriska about cars and motorcycles and Aradia, Sollux and Terezi started talking about a TV show that they had all recently become obsessed with. Karkat didn’t say anything, he just liked watching. It was a nice night. It was such a nice night just to be here with Sollux and Terezi. Karkat found himself leaning on Sollux’s shoulder for support as he grew tired. It felt like only moments that the bright sun disappeared from the well-lit apartment and Terezi was fast asleep on Vriska’s lap. 

“Oh my god, he looks like a kitten.” Aradia said, smiling. Sollux chuckled warmly. 

“KK. Hey, Karkat.” He nudged Karkat gently with his elbow. 

“No…” Karkat groaned and turned his face in towards Sollux’s shoulder. 

“Come on, it’s time to go home.” His voice was always soft. The fact that Sollux couldn’t hiss added to the comfort of his deep voice. “KK, Come on…”

“No… let me sleep.” Karkat grumbled. He felt sweet kisses on his cheeks and face, and he couldn’t suppress the smile. “Solluuuuux….” he chuckled. 

“Up. Get up.” Sollux half-sang. Karkat sat up and glared at Sollux through his mess of hair and stood up, wobbling as he did. 

“Will you be alright?” Aradia said. “You’ve had a drink.”

“I’m fine.” Sollux said. “It would be worse for Karkat to drive.” 

“How about no one drive, and I just go lay in Terezi’s bed.” Karkat yawned. Sollux shook his head and lead Karkat to the door. 

“Thanks for having us over VK. TZ. It was really good to see you, AA.” Sollux said. 

“Yeah, it was nice.” Karkat said, half-pulling Sollux to the door. 

“What do you mean it was nice, you were barely awake the whole time!” Sollux chuckled. Karkat shrugged. Sollux said goodbye one last time before they were finally in the car. 

“You’re so fucking adorable, do you know that?”

“Hm? Oh yeah. I’m kawaii as fuck, now get me to a bed.” Karkat yawned. Sollux snickered and leaned in to kiss Karkat right on his sweet spot on his neck. Karkat tensed a little bit and smiled.

“That’s not what I meant you asshole.” 

“Mm?” Sollux said innocently. “Can’t we change the meaning a bit?”

“You’ll have to do a bit of convincing.” Karkat said. 

“I think we both know that I’m pretty good at that.”

By the time they reached home, it was safe to say that Karkat was much more awake than he had been at Terezi’s apartment. Sollux had always been a tease. He drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the inside of Karkat’s thigh. Sometimes he raised his pinky to nudge the bulge growing between his legs. Karkat had to bite his lip to stop from making little noises. 

When they got into their little apartment, Sollux had Karkat’s hands pressed against the wall above his head and bowed over, taking his mouth. Karkat sighed in the kiss, his head leaning forward to receive as much Sollux as he possibly could. Sollux’s hands moved from holding Karkat’s wrists to slink around Karkat’s waist. He hoisted the shorter boy up on his hips, and Karkat crossed his ankles behind Sollux’s back. He slid off his shoes as Sollux laid Karkat down on the couch and unbuckled Karkat’s belt. He slid his hands down Karkat’s pants and pressed against his hip bones. 

“Fuck,” Karkat hissed as Sollux rolled the head of his dick in his forefinger and thumb. “God…” Karkat breathed. Sollux covered Karkat’s mouth with his own and wrapped his arms around Sollux’s neck. Sollux pressed his clothed erection against the inside of Karkat’s thigh and Karkat bit his lip to hold in his moan. He arched his hips into Sollux. He smiled and bent down and started sucking on Karkat’s neck while simultaneously sliding down Karkat’s pants. Karkat was hard and dripping, his dick straining against his boxer briefs. His face was flushed and his heart was pounding in his chest. 

Sollux unwrapped Karkat like an expensive gift. He was gentle and delicate. His touches were so feather-light that it was maddening. They had been dating for a little over 9 months and Sollux already knew little tips and tricks to make Karkat go insane. Not to say that Karkat didn’t know anything about Sollux. In fact, of the pair, Karkat played Sollux just as well as he played the cello. But Karkat was too tired and horny to play with Sollux in ways that would twist him up. 

By now, Sollux had the head of Karkat’s dick in his mouth. Karkat was whimpering with pleasure and had his hands tangled in Sollux’s hair. 

“Sollux… Jesus Christ, Sollux. Please.” Karkat moaned. Karkat spoke during sex. Karkat was very vocal in bed, and he was generally rather self-conscious about it. “Hnnnnnggnhnn…” Karkat moaned. “Please. Please!” 

Sollux took Karkat in his mouth, working his dick with skill. Karkat was biting his lip so hard that he feared that he would break skin. He was clutching the couch pillows like they tethered him to sanity. He tried not thrust into Sollux’s mouth, but containing himself was becoming a bit of a chore. He finally let go of his inhibition and burst forth with a loud, long, desperate moan. 

“Oh god, oh my god, please, yes--” Karkat begged. He was rocking his hips, his head thrown back. Karkat made these little noises that Sollux collected and kept in his heart like trinkets. Sollux was masturbating himself while he rocked Karkat’s fucking world.

“Sollux, Sollux-- shit-- oh my fucking-- I’m gonna… I’m coming, I’m coming I’m comingimcoming---” Karkat curled up, his eyes clenched tight. There was a moment of silence before Karkat arched his back and moaned high and loud. Sollux frantically jerked his cock as Karkat came on his face. Sollux straddled Karkat’s stomach quickly in jerky motions before he released the breath he was holding and came on Karkat’s face. Karkat opened his mouth to receive Sollux. 

They both were half-lidded and happy. Sollux slid off his pants and pulled up his boxers. He went into the kitchen and got some paper towels for their faces. He wiped his cum off of Karkat’s face. 

“That was fun.” Sollux murmured. “I think we made our neighbor’s night a little more uncomfortable.”

“Whatever.” Karkat said, stripping off his sweater and underwear. The apartment didn’t have any air conditioning yet and they had just had some mild sexual relations. “Free porn isn’t usually this good, so they should consider themselves lucky.”

“Put on some underwear, KK.” Sollux sighed. 

“But it’s hot.” Karkat complained.

“And so are you. And I think we need to get some sleep tonight.” Sollux smirked. Karkat slid his underwear back on and covered his face.

“Do you really think I’m hot?” Karkat’s voice was small as he peeked out between his fingers. Sollux pulled Karkat close to him and kissed Karkat’s cheek. 

“I’ve thought you were attractive since 7th grade, Karkat.” Sollux murmured into Karkat’s cheek. “Like, why did you get the good end of puberty while I was stuck here, hairless and scrawny?”

“Oh my god no… I looked like an unkempt vagina in 7th grade, I had no idea how to do eyebrows or shave and guhhh…” Karkat covered his face again. 

“I love body hair. I really do.” Sollux said, cupping Karkat’s face. “And your body… was beautiful. It still is. I just… I didn’t know how to deal with those emotions. I couldn’t tell you because I’d have to hide it from my parents.”

“So you had no doubt that I would return affection?” Karkat sniffed.

“Yeah. I mean I’m kind of a catch.” 

“Totally.” Karkat rolled his eyes. Who wouldn’t want a Korean coder with a slight lisp?”

“It’s gotten better over the years!” Sollux said. “I can’t help it that I still have an accent. The letter ‘z’ is actually the devil.” Sollux nudged him. Karkat laughed. A silence nestled between them as Sollux nuzzled Karkat’s neck. 

“I love you.” Karkat whispered. Sollux stopped and looked up at Karkat. Wow, what the fuck did you say that for? Karkat’s heart was pounding in his chest, he could feel his lips throbbing with his pulse. Sollux noticed his nervousness and eased him with a kiss.

“I love you too, Karkat.” 

A knot unclenched in his chest as Karkat took Sollux into his arms. Love. He loved him. Jesus it was love. Karkat kissed Sollux like he had never kissed anyone in his life. He felt so complete. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love posting and editing chapters. I just want to keep posting chapters. I have a slight problem. I refuse to seek help. 
> 
> Also, if I don't date the top of the chapter, you can assume that it's the present. Okay. Yes.

“Hey, Karkat? Can I talk to you for a second?” Terezi called from in the living room. It was a down day, and Karkat and Terezi were alone in their apartment. Dave was spinning at some rich kid high school, so he was out pretty early tonight. Karkat hesitated before he walked into the room. 

“Am I in trouble mom?” Karkat asked sarcastically. 

“Yes.” Terezi said firmly. Karkat rolled his eyes. “Karkat this is serious.” 

“Okay.” Karkat said, clicking his heels and standing at attention. Terezi crossed her arms and faced him. 

“It’s about John.” Terezi said. Karkat‘s shoulders dropped. “I’m worried about you. You know how you are in relationships, and I know how you are in relationships. You attach yourself to one person and make yourself miserable when you’re not able to have them. Remember Kevin in 8th grade? You were obsessed with him. He was the north star and you would follow him everywhere.”

“Oh god, why are you bringing up that douchebag?”

“Because you didn’t see him as a douche until he found out that you were gay and ridiculed you in front of the whole school.” 

“Wow, this talk is going well, thanks for making me a part of it.” Karkat turned to leave the room.

“And with Sollux.” Terezi said. Karkat stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. 

“Terezi, don’t.” his voice was soft.

“He was your everything. Your everything and that isn’t healthy. You saw things in him that just weren’t fucking there and look where it led you--”

“Stop it, Terezi.” Karkat turned around, angry. “Don’t fucking compare John to him. They’re completely different people--”

“Yeah, they are. But you’re the same Karkat that I’ve known.” Terezi said. “And you see things in people that aren’t there. John is a sweet boy, but he isn’t gay.”

“I FUCKING KNOW THAT TEREZI!” Karkat yelled. “JESUS! IT’S AN INNOCENT FUCKING CRUSH, ALRIGHT?” Karkat’s voice was a little desperate. “This is the first time… the first time in two fucking years that I have felt affection for someone else-- for someone that wasn’t him and you have to fucking-- you’re pushing all these pieces of shit in my face…” Karkat was red in the face with anger, his brows furrowed. “Let me have this, okay? If I break my own heart, I think I can fucking handle it.”

“I don’t know if you can, Kitkat.” Terezi said in a small voice. “I’m worried for you. I’m worried that you’ll get hurt. You’ve finally gotten in a place where you’re happy, Karkat.”

Karkat shook his head. “I’m not happy, Terezi. I’m fucking miserable all the time. There’s barely anything I can do to distract me from how shitty I am. Except him, Terezi. Except him.” Karkat sat down in a chair. “I don’t know what it is, but I need to try. Let me fucking try Terezi. If I lose him, I’ll regret it for my whole life. I just need to try.” 

“Karkat, I really don’t want you to get hurt.” Terezi said in a small voice. “I can’t deal with that again. I can’t deal with you broken and silent and shattered. Be careful.”

“My heart is in a cage right now, Terezi.” Karkat muttered. “It will be nearly impossible for me to get hurt that badly again.” Karkat said. “But I need to. He’s… John is…. He’s so fucking adorable and sweet and kind and I need to.”

Terezi laid down on the couch and closed her useless eyes. 

“Okay, Karkat.” she said after a while. “I’ll be here for you if you do fall apart, though. You know that, right?”

“I know you’re here for me, Rezi.” Karkat said. “And I love you for it.”

Terezi chuckled. 

“How gay of you Karkat.” She snickered at him. Karkat stood up and kissed her on the cheek. 

“I appreciate your concern, but let me sink or swim on my own, okay?” 

“Roger, chief.” Terezi saluted. She sat up and leaned towards Karkat, her head titled slightly towards him. “And I promise I won’t say ‘I told you so’ if something bad happens.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t fucking keep, Pyrope.” Karkat laughed. He turned and headed out of the room. 

“Hey!” Terezi called after him. Karkat turned around.

“What?” 

“I love you.” She said. Karkat hesitated. He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around Terezi. Karkat never gave hugs. When he did, though, they were warm and loving and everything a hug should be. Terezi used to collect his hugs in high school. She never told him that she counted every single time he hugged her, but she kept a little tally at home. Because a hug from Karkat was like a physical version of the phrase ‘I love you’. He pressed himself close to her. 

“I love you too, Terezi.” He muttered. He took Terezi for granted sometimes, and he knew it. He knew that she was paying for a decent chunk of the rent because he couldn’t afford it all. He knew that he had sort of dumped himself onto her and she just opened her arms and received him. She cared about him. And he cared about her. She was more of a sibling than any of the other seven that he had at home. 

* * *

\-- ectoBiologist[EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG] \--

EB: hey, karkat?  
CG: WHAT  
EB: I just wanted to say that I had a really good time with you at the movies  
EB: though it was pretty obvious that you hated it  
EB: hahah  
CG: WELL IT’S A SHITTY KIDS MOVIE  
EB: why did you want to go see it then?  
EB: all that torment  
EB: your soul is probably aching right this very minute!  
CG: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP EGBERT  
EB: then why did you even spend money to see a movie you didn’t want to see?  
CG: I HAVE TO BE INFORMED OF SHIT THAT I HATE OR ELSE ITS JUST BASELESS HATE AND I WILL NOT HAVE THAT   
EB: seriously  
EB: you seriously spent money because you wanted to be informed on kids movies?  
CG: YOURE FISHING FOR AN ANSWER EGBERT  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT IVE BEEN PINING TO SEE YOU AND THAT I CLUTCHED AT THE FIRST CHANCE I COULD LIKE YOU WERE A BLESSED CANTEEN OF CRYSTALINE WATER AND I WAS A MAN WHO HAD BEEN STRANDED IN THE DESERT  
CG: IS THAT THE ANSWER YOU WERE SEARCHING FOR YOU NARCISSISTIC DICKPUNCH  
EB: actually, yes!  
EB: its nice to know that you care so much karkat  
EB: sometimes I think that you could power the world on your sheer caring energy  
EB: little boys will look to their teachers and ask  
EB: “teacher, why does the world turn?”  
EB: and their teachers will answer  
EB: because karkat vantas cares, little one  
CG: JESUS SHIT FUCKING CHRIST EGBERT THAT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH SARCASM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH  
EB: how could you insinuate that I was being sarcastic! I am offended karkat  
CG: OFFENDED.  
EB: hurt, karkat.  
CG: OH MY GOD  
EB: just admit that you missed me and I’ll stop bugging you!  
CG: SO HOW BLATANT WOULD YOU LIKE THAT LIE  
EB: lets see what you got  
CG: IVE BEEN LYING IN MY BED JOHN EGBERT  
CG: DREAMING OF THE DAY THAT I COULD SIT NEXT TO YOU IN A STICKY MOVIE THEATER  
CG: LISTENING TO THE SOUNDS OF LITTLE CHILDREN SUCK SNOT BACK INTO THEIR DISGUSTING TINY FACES  
CG: WATCHING A MOVIE THAT I HAD NO INTENTION OF SEEING  
CG: YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE THE TORMENT THAT MY VERY EXISTENCE HAS SUFFERED  
EB: ha! I caught you  
CG: CAUGHT ME WHAT  
EB: you had no intention of seeing the lorax!  
CG: WHEN DID I SAY THAT  
EB: like, four lines ago  
CG: CHRIST IS THIS AN INTERROGATION OR SOME SHIT   
EB: yes  
CG: ILL COME QUIETLY OFFICER JUST STOP THE BARRAGE OF IDIOCY  
EB: you’ll come as quietly as ill let you  
EB: hehehe  
CG: …  
CG: WHAT  
EB: dammit I have to go  
EB: ill talk to you later karkat!  
CG: NO WAIT WHAT  
EB: bye!  
\-- ectoBiologist[EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG] \-- 

Karkat leaned back in his pillow and covered his face with another pillow. He sighed into it and closed his computer. He didn’t really feel like surfing the information super highway at this time. He was tired and emotionally drained and he just didn’t feel like thinking about the Lorax or John Egbert or… or Sollux. It had been the first time that he heard his name in months. They didn’t usually talk about Sollux. Sollux was a topic left untouched and put to the side. Sollux was a book whose plot had reached a tragically hopeless point in the story. Sollux was something that they just didn’t talk about. But she said it. He said his name. And there was really no going back from there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really put a lot of work into this fic and I hope that you guys like it as much as I did, even if it gets a big mysterious. Maybe I should just shut up and post chapters. Yeah. I'm gonna try that.

_**December 2009**_

“Hey, Karkat.” Sollux said, sliding his arms around Karkat’s neck from behind. “What are you doing?”

“I’m on pesterchum.” Karkat said. “I’m talking to a coworker called Tavros. I haven’t heard from him in a while, but he messaged me asking about Vriska so I thought I’d help him out.”

“Oh god, poor kid.” Sollux said. 

“Yeah, he seems like a poor little kid. Didn’t know Vriska was the shota type.” Karkat snickered. Sollux placed a kiss on Karkat’s exposed neck. 

“Vriska is a weird son of a bitch and we probably will never understand her.” Sollux reasoned. Karkat shrugged in agreement. Sollux slid off of him and laid down on the sofa. They had lived a year in this apartment and things were relatively quiet. It was lovely, actually. Terezi met this guy on pesterchum a few months ago and would not stop talking about him. Karkat thought he was kind of a douche. Terezi admitted that he was a total douche, but she still thought the light was shining right out of Mr. David Strider’s asshole. Karkat and Sollux had been together for a little over a year now and Karkat didn’t see an end. He loved Sollux. He loved everything that Sollux did. He loved everything that Sollux was, and he knew that Sollux felt the same. When the night fell, and Karkat had forced Sollux off of his computer to go to bed, they would trace love on each other’s bodies. Sollux would whisper things into Karkat’s ear and Karkat would be reminded of the reason. 

The only problem was that Sollux couldn’t keep a damned job. 

“Didn’t you have work today?” Karkat asked Sollux. He was lounging on the sofa with his eyes closed and his glasses on his forehead. 

“I’m not going. The manager lady pisses me off.”

“Fuck, Sollux.” Karkat sighed. “Bosses are supposed to be the shittiest people that you’ve ever met. It’s how the world works. You can’t just not show up to work, you’ll get fired.”

“Then fire me, see if I care.” Sollux scratched his nose with his eyes closed. “I’ll get unemployment checks and it’ll still be more reasonable than the shit salary they pay me at ass and go.”

“Come the fuck on, Sollux.” Karkat huffed. “You can be a lazy shit in every other aspect of your life if you want, but I really need for you to be bringing money into this apartment. We've got some savings and it's enough to live on right now, but it's dwindling. The first thing that would be going is the internet.”

Sollux scoffed. “Just because you work at Generic Coffee Shop.” 

“Why do you call it that?” Karkat sighed. 

“Because it’s generic as shit. I don’t know why they charge so much for a terrible beverage.”

“I don’t either, but I get paid a decent amount for it.” Karkat said. “and you really… really… really need to get a fucking job, you piece of shit.”

Sollux sighed and rolled over.

“I’ll get one, I promise.” 

Karkat closed his eyes and laid down on the floor that he was sitting on. He said goodbye to Tavros and closed the laptop. He looked over at the back of Sollux that was so good at pouting. He smiled softly and inched towards it. 

“Sollux?” Karkat said softly after a while.

“Are you done bitching at me?” Sollux asked.

“Never.” Karkat chuckled. Sollux turned over and looked at Karkat. He hesitated, and smiled. The glasses fell to his nose and he pulled Karkat up off the floor onto the couch with him. 

“Do you really love me?” Karkat whispered into Sollux’s chest. He hated being sincere. He hated it because he thought that his soul was a shitty thing to bare. 

“Of course I do.” Sollux murmured into Karkat’s hair. “I love every bit of you.”

“Promise?” He asked. Sollux lifted Karkat’s chin upwards so Karkat looked Sollux in the eye. 

“I swear.” Sollux whispered onto Karkat’s mouth before kissing him. It was a time like this, with the snow that fell every night and disappeared with the sun, the winter chill forcing scarves and hats to be a required article of clothing, the tea and the coffee… it was here where Karkat felt close to Sollux the most. Just now. Right before. The coldness pushing them together rather then wedging them apart like ice in a sidewalk. 

Right here. On this couch. Hushed ‘I love you’ s. Perfect. 

* * *

“Hey, Karkat!” Sollux leaned into the bedroom. “Terezi, Vrisk, Aradia and I are gonna go see a shitty movie, do you wanna come?” 

“What?” Karkat asked, blinking sleep out of his eyes for a moment. 

“We’re gonna go see one of those horrible 3D slasher movies, you wanna come?”

“No, I hate those movies.” Karkat grumbled, lying back down. “You… you go.”

“I’ll miss you.” Sollux said. 

“You’ll get over it.”

Sollux laughed. “Okay. I’m taking the car. I’ll catch with you later. I’ll call you when the movie gets out, okay? Have your phone close.”

“It’s right here.” Karkat yawned, waving his phone by his head. “Have fun.”

“Okay.” don’t go. “You’re gonna miss it!” he yelled. don’t fucking go. Don’t let him go. Karkat don’t let him go. Don’t let him. Don’t go, Sollux. Don’t go. Jesus, don’t go.

The door shut and Karkat heard him pull out of the driveway. 

Karkat used to pretend that he couldn’t really remember what Sollux said in these moments. If he would, he would’ve told Sollux to be careful, that it’s icy out. Why are you letting Vriska go, she’s a bitch. I’m not feeling well, stay in bed with me. Make love to me. Stay here. Be okay. Don’t go. 

But Sollux did go. He disappeared into that winter night forever.


	7. Chapter 7

“I hate Seven Elevens,” John said, holding onto Karkat’s elbow. “I just feel like I’m being judged in these stupid things.” 

“What, like you’re going to steal something?” Karkat rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah!” John said. “Like, just because I’m a teenager that I’ll take off with an armful of twinkies and a pint of milk.”

“Yeah.” Karkat snorted. “I feel watched in every other store but seven elevens.” 

“What?” 

“I’m brown, John? I’m not even just brown, I’m middle eastern, which makes me even more of a deviant. And to top it all off, I’m in my early twenties. It’s a wonder I could leave a store without looting it!” Karkat said bitterly. “I know the owners of every seven eleven in a five-block radius from my apartment. I know every Dunkin Donuts owner too. All of the Indian ones, at least.” Karkat pulled out a half gallon of iced tea and some rolls.

“So you do your shopping here?” John asked. 

“As much as I can.” Karkat shrugged. “It beats walking six blocks in the freezing cold to the grocery store. Besides, Terezi likes that shit.”

“Well, that makes sense.”

“Karkat?” A voice drawled from around the corner. “Karkat Vantas?” Karkat and John both turned towards the voice and saw a man standing there. He was tall and lean. He had a scarf wrapped around his neck and tossed over his shoulder. His most striking feature was the bright purple streak in his hair. His English accent was subtle, but it was definitely there. “Fancy running into you.” The man said. 

“Who are you?” Karkat was guarded against this man. He seemed to be in the offensive mode, and Karkat instantly brought up his defense, though he was unsure what he was protecting from.

“Oh, you don’t recognize me?” He said, placing a jeweled hand on his hip. “Well, that’s probably for the best. My name is Eridan Ampora.”

Karkat’s frown was lost as his eyes widened. His lips parted a bit as he stared at the man in front of him. John stepped forward, obviously concerned. 

“Karkat?” 

“I see you‘ve finally gotten over him. Good for you.” He eyed John. “This one’s cute too.” 

“What the fuck do you want, Eridan.” Karkat stepped forward in defense. 

“Woah, hey.” Eridan raised his jeweled hands. “no need for all the hostility, Kar. I was just exchangin’ a friendly hello.”

“Friendly, my ass.” Karkat said. “If you don’t want anything, leave me the hell alone.” Karkat turned quickly, grabbing John’s shoulder to turn him too. John’s eyes were wide and confused. 

“Are you Kar’s new boyfriend then?” Eridan called after them. Karkat flinched and John turned around. 

“No…” He said slowly. Karkat could just kill this son of a bitch. 

“Jesus, Do you think everyone is like you? With their dicks constantly out of their pants?” 

“Shame.” Eridan sauntered up to John and gave him a once over that was so suggestive that it made John flush bright pink. “You’d a been a delicious bite.”

“I-I--” John spluttered.

“Don’t respond to that,” Karkat sighed deeply and looked at Eridan. “Leave us the fuck alone, Eridan.” Karkat continued his way out of the store. But it seemed like he wouldn’t let up until Karkat truly exploded. 

“He’s really happy, you know.” Eridan crossed his arms. “I mean he’s got a bit of a cold, so I’m nursin' him to health.” Eridan waved a box of tissues and some cough drops. “But other than that…” Eridan quirked and eyebrow. “He’s fit and healthy. He’s got such a beautiful smile.” 

Karkat was obviously having an internal battle, his eyes switching past defeat and blinding rage. 

“Karkat?” John whispered. “Karkat, come on, let’s go-- let’s leave.” Karkat looked at John desperately, and John tugged on his hand. Karkat looked up and Eridan. 

“I’m really happy for you two.” he said in a strained voice. 

“You don’t sound like it.”

“Yeah because you’re a gaping, leaking asshole. But…” Karkat clenched his jaw. “Whatever works.” 

“Well it seems that I do.” Eridan smiled smugly. Karkat was torn between jumping Eridan and clawing his plucked-eyebrow, made-up shitty self to the point of being completely unrecognizable. He wanted to shred Eridan into a thousand pieces. Instead, he ripped his arm from John’s touch.

Karkat turned around, his face red with anger and his breathing increased. 

“Get the fuck away from me.” His voice was low, so low and quiet that it frightened even John. “You stay the fuck away from me and you keep that shit somewhere else, do you fucking understand me? I will wreck you if you come near me again.” 

Eridan looked a bit uncomfortable, but he set his jaw and elongated his neck. He seemed to feel that he had the tactical advantage with his height over Karkat.

“I’d like to see you try, Vantas.” Eridan smirked. Karkat turned on his heel and made for the exit, his groceries deserted. 

“Karkat-- Karkat, wait!” John called after him. 

“Oh, and your new boy’s kinda cute.” Eridan stated. “Let’s see how long you can keep him before completely loses his shit too.” Karkat stopped dead and turned around, rage taking over every bit of his facial expression. He lunged at Eridan, but John caught his arms. 

“Don’t, Karkat.” John said softly. “He’s an asshole, and you don’t need to get an assault charge over someone like him.” 

Karkat growled at Eridan and ripped his arms from John’s grasp. He turned on heel and finally left the store, Eridan’s snickers ringing in his ear.

“Karkat, Karkat!” John called after Karkat, who was heading down the sidewalk quickly against the flow of the people. John finally caught up to Karkat and grabbed his elbow.

“Get off of me-- GET OFF OF ME!” Karkat shrieked, whipping around to look at John. Tears flooded his eyes and spilled down his cheeks. John’s lips parted a bit. 

“Karkat…”

“Don’t fucking judge me, alright! You don’t know a goddamned thing!” Karkat shrieked. John paused. 

“I’m not judging you, Karkat! And you’re right, I don’t know anything!” He looked at his feet. “but I know that what that asshole said in there hurt you… it hurt you really badly and I want to do anything that I can to make it stop hurting.”

Karkat scoffed and turned away. He didn’t feel like juggling his emotions with John just now. He didn’t feel like doing anything but burying himself under blankets and blocking out the world. He turned to run, but was stopped by John wrapping his arms around Karkat’s waist. Karkat flinched and fell limp in John’s arms. Once John realized that he wasn’t going to run, he released Karkat and grabbed the crook of his elbow. 

“Please, Karkat.” John murmured. “Let’s go get a sandwich or something. There’s a café down the street that I really wanted to try.” 

* * *

They ordered their sandwiches and drinks and sat inside the café in complete silence. John stared out the window beside them as flurries started drifting from the gray skies.

“Sollux.” Karkat said after a heavy silence. “Sollux… was my… he was my boyfriend. I haven’t seen him in two years.” Karkat picked at the lettuce on his sandwich. “I heard that he had found someone else… and I didn’t want to believe it, I guess. I just avoid everything that has to deal with him, to be honest.” Karkat snorted. “I tried to ignore this too, but you won’t let me.”

“I’m just curious,” John said, blushing. “So… you’re gay?” Karkat’s eyes widened and he turned to John, his face reddening.

“Strider didn’t tell you already? He said that he did!” Karkat pulled at the neck of his hoodie. “Oh god.”

“What? Did you think that I’d mind or something?” John asked. 

“It’s not that…. It’s… I’ve had bad experiences with people finding out in the past.” Karkat said. “I’m… sorry.”

“It’s fine, Karkat. Continue with your story.”

“That’s it.” Karkat said, staring down at his sandwich. “He was my boyfriend two years ago. We dated for two years. He and I were separated and I haven’t heard from him since.”

“There’s more than that.” John said, leaning forward. “Come on.”

“Can… I don’t…” Karkat gripped onto his tea. “I don’t want to talk about it, alright? Please. I can’t. Not yet.”

John bit his lip and turned his face downward. 

“I’m sorry.” He muttered. “I don’t mean to pry.” 

“I… I’m a sack of shit.” Karkat said, dropping his head to his hands. “Fuck. Jesus fucking christ--”

“I think we should get home.” John said as tears sprung from Karkat’s eyes. He tried to conceal them, but was much too emotional for that. John paid for the meal and walked back to Karkat’s apartment. Karkat was subdued the entire walk, which was atypical of him. He could tell that John was concerned, but he didn’t really pay attention to it much. 

John was talking to Terezi in a low voice, but Karkat had become numb to much everything else besides the way to his bed. 

Buried beneath mountains of sheets and pillows, Karkat curled up against himself and cried. It wasn’t loud, and it was barely even hysterical. It was a cry of grief, a pain that he refused to feel until it was forced upon him. Karkat didn’t want to care about Sollux anymore. Karkat didn’t want to think about anything or anyone. He cried until his crushed chest and headaches put him to sleep. 


	8. Chapter 8

_**December 2009**_

Karkat reached blindly into the darkness to stop the incessant buzzing of his phone. He opened his eyes a millimeter and saw that it was Sollux. He sighed and dropped his head back down to the pillow. He answered the phone. 

“Hm?” Karkat said, rubbing his eyes. 

“Karkat!” Sollux’s voice was hysterical and frankly it was to loud. “Karkat! Jesus, Karkat…” Sollux was crying.

“Hmm? Wasup?” He asked. 

“Get to the hospital right the fuck now, please oh god-- Karkat…” Sollux’s voice was panicking and harried, and Karkat was just waking up enough to recognize the danger in his tone. 

“What… what happened?” Karkat frowned, sitting up. 

“There’s.. there was an accident and…o, ileon, ileon jenjang…” Sollux’s voice was cracking as he cried in Korean. “Please, I need you-- I don’t know… they… might be dead--”

“Shit... shit shit shit, are you kidding? What the fuck is happening!” Karkat was out of bed now, his mind sharp and putting his clothes on. “Are you okay?! Jesus, are you alright, Sollux?” 

“I-- they’re telling me to get off, I have to go, please get here!” Sollux begged. The line went dead. Karkat’s heart was racing in his chest. He was frozen to the spot, fearful of what he may encounter at the hospital. 

The moment passed and Karkat was in his boots running to the hospital at top speed. 

* * *

He reached the hospital and frantically asked for Sollux Captor’s room. When he reached there, he saw his boyfriend sitting in a bed, his face covered in dirt and scars. His hair was singed and ruined, his odd rimmed glasses were missing. His face was striped with tear streaks. 

“Karkat,” Sollux breathed upon seeing him. “Oh my god,” He never cried like this. Sollux never showed emotion, not if it could be helped. Karkat wrapped Sollux in his arms immediately, kissing his face all over. 

“Are you okay? What’s happened?”

“Car… accident, we were hit by the side--” Sollux said. “It… it came out of nowhere I don’t even know--”

“What about everyone else?” Karkat asked. “How are they?”

“I don’t know!!” Sollux sobbed. “I don’t know, Karkat, I don’t know how anyone else is, they won’t tell me!” 

“I’ll find out for you.” Karkat said firmly, his heart skipping. Terezi… Aradia…

“Go, go now.” Sollux nudged him. “I’m fine, I’m stable. I broke my wrist and I’m bruised up, but go! Please, please…” 

Karkat left the room and headed down the hall, checking every room as he passed. He frantically asked the first doctor that passed for Terezi Pyrope’s room, and he was directed to a room just outside of the ICU. 

“Oh god…” Karkat whispered upon seeing her. “She--”

“She almost died, she had major damage done to her eyes, a shard of glass was lodged in both of them, damaging the optic nerve permanently. It actually came dangerously close to serious parts. The surgery was touch and go, but she’ll recover.”

“Her… her eyes--” Karkat’s heart dropped to his stomach. 

“She’ll never be able to use them again.” The doctor said. “It’s the price for her life."

“Oh,” Karkat breathed. He didn’t know how to respond to the news, but the Doctor just continued talking on, like lifelong blindness for his best friend was just another day in the office. And to him, it must have been. 

“Vriska Serket--” He said, pointing to the room across the hall. “She was loud when she got here, yelling at everyone. She had to be taken into surgery immediately. Her injuries were pretty severe. We had to amputate an arm at the elbow and she is blind in one eye now.” He said. 

“And Aradia? Aradia Megido?” Karkat asked. The doctor pursed his lips and put a hand on Karkat’s shoulder. Karkat knew what was going to be said before he said it. 

“She was dead on impact. The car hit exactly where she was sitting-- in the front seat on the passenger side.” Karkat stopped hearing the doctor’s words. Aradia was gone. He felt the numb radiating from his stomach. 

“Thank you,” Karkat heard himself respond before turning around to go back to Terezi’s room. The room was completely dark and nearly silent, except for the beeping of her vitals. Her face was bandaged, her eyes covered in a thick cotton bandage. Her cheeks were swollen and her arms were sliced with minor cuts. Karkat sat down in the chair next to her and listened to the beeping of the heart monitor. 

Karkat’s eyes were wide and tears pricked the corners of his eyes. This happened so fast-- there was no warning for this-- how could this happen? Karkat held tighter onto Terezi’s hand and felt his shoulders shake with sobs. Jesus, Karkat. Holy shit, what is happening? Terezi. Terezi oh god. 

Karkat made his way back to Sollux’s room to relay the news to him, but Sollux was no longer hysterical. He was lying back in his bed, his eyes staring at a point in the distance that didn’t exist. 

“Sollux…” Karkat’s voice was hollow. He knew. Sollux knew already. He was thoughtlessly rubbing a small necklace that had an elaborate silver pendant at the end. He didn’t see Karkat enter the room. Sollux barely even acknowledged when the nurse came and took his blood. “Shock” the doctors told Karkat when Sollux was released. “He’ll recover soon enough.” 

Karkat found himself drifting backwards into the scenery, watching as Sollux took step after painful step towards the abyss that swallowed him completely. The heartless march was led by the beat of Sollux’s thumb, stroking the silver pendant that answered any question he needed to know. The silver symbol of Aries. 


	9. Chapter 9

Karkat refused to leave the bed for anything but work. He took the night shifts so he would have as little human interaction as possible. Terezi would come in and try to console him, or talk about what happened with Eridan. Terezi knew who Eridan was, Terezi knew what this meant to Karkat. She wanted to help him, but he wouldn’t let her. 

_He didn’t leave the city. He didn’t even have the goddamned audacity to leave the city. Sollux made a life within a fifteen mile radius from him, and he wouldn’t even tell me where he was. What the fuck. Was I so horrible? Was I that shitty? I tried my hardest, I put my everything every fucking thing for that boy, and he won’t talk to me! He won’t…_

_Fine. Fuck him. I’m bigger than that. I don’t need assholes like Sollux Captor in my life. I don’t need him at all! I knew that. I knew that when we were together, I knew that I would probably be better off without him. But he needed me. He needed me, and he doesn’t even have the balls to come to me and admit that._

Karkat would sleep as much as he could to distract himself from thinking about these things. He would sleep, wake up at 9 pm, make it to work at 10, come home at 6 and fall asleep again. He didn’t wake to eat. He wouldn’t respond to Terezi’s and John’s attempts to rouse him. He slept and worked. That’s all that he could do. 

* * *

“Terezi…” John asked one day as he sat in her apartment. They studied together, John helping her with reading at times. 

“Hm?” She said, lifting her hand from the braille text before her. 

“Who is Sollux?” 

Terezi paused and closed the book. She sat back in her chair. 

“What has Karkat told you?” Terezi asked. John shrugged and rested his chin on his hand. 

“Just that he was an ex boyfriend that he hasn’t spoken to in two years.” John said. Terezi laughed through her nose. “He seemed shocked that Sollux had found someone new. Even after two years? Is he that hung up on Sollux?”

Terezi raised her eyebrows in amusement. 

“ ‘Hung up’?” Terezi cackled. “No, John. That’s not what this depression is about.” Terezi sighed. “There was an accident.” Terezi said. “I lost my sight. Sollux lost his mind.” 

John looked up sharply at Terezi. She didn’t seem to be joking. 

“Karkat would never tell me just how bad it got.” She whispered. “but… it…” She swallowed. “It’s not something you get over in two years. Not in ten years, John.” She shook her head. John leaned forward. 

“What happened?”

“I don’t have the rights to that information, John. If Karkat wants to tell you, he will tell you.” 

“But if he wouldn’t even tell you--” 

“Why do you want to know, John?” Terezi said sharply. “What would that information do to advance you?”

“I need to help him.” John said immediately. “You weren’t there when he met Eridan. He completely collapsed. He was like a shattered doll. I need to help him, Terezi.” 

“There’s nothing you can do to help him. He needs closure, and you aren’t the one who can give that to him.” Terezi shook her head. 

“Well… I can get him to where he was before, at least. He knows that Eridan is around here, so he can get his wits back up to the point where he’s able to face him again.” John said. “I’m going to help him. I’ll make him feel better.” John paused, a finger on his chin. “I need help from you, Terezi.”

“What can I do?”

“Do you have the numbers of his coworkers?” 

* * *

“Welcome to Café All Day--” Karkat said, turning around. There stood a tall, lanky Mexican boy with eyes like a baby kitten’s. He was smiling up at Karkat. 

“What is it, Tavros?”

“Uh, I’m here to pick up your… your shift.” He said slowly, smiling. Karkat frowned. 

“What for? I didn’t call you. Go away.” Karkat turned back around. 

“Oh no you don’t, mister!” The door tinkled and John walked in the room wearing a hat and a scarf, pointing accusatorily at Karkat. “This boy is here to take your shift and you are to come with me, right now!” 

Karkat blinked in confusion, unable to respond for a few moments.

“Egbert, is this a joke or something?”

“Nope!” John said, his hands on his hips. “I have a pile of shitty romcoms and a bucket of popcorn with your name on it.” 

“Go away, John.” Karkat said softly. John marched up to the register and slapped his hands on the counter before Karkat. 

“No.” He said. “I am going to make you feel better if it takes seventeen Julia Roberts movies.”

Karkat chuckled. John looked ecstatic at the sound. John’s enthusiasm just made Karkat even more amused. He slid the apron over his neck and placed it on the counter.

“You win this time, Egbert.” he said, shaking his fist half-heartedly. John smiled his wide-eyed bright smile that put a skip in Karkat’s heart.

* * *

Dave had an in-home movie theater that had a projector and even the fucking seats. Right in the middle in the most choice spot was a cloth couch covered in down pillows. It looked perfect for curling up and watching a movie. 

“Was that always here?” Karkat asked. John shrugged.

“Probably. You know Dave.” 

Karkat snorted and plopped down on the couch. 

“Okay!” John said. “What do you want to see first?” 

“I don’t care. I just want to go back to sleep.” Karkat murmured. 

“Wrong attitude, cadet!” John said, pointing at him. “That is now how you raise personal morale! Now! Which poopy movie do you want to watch first!” 

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Karkat’s mouth twitched in a smile. “You pick.”

John glared at Karkat for a few minutes and crossed his arms. 

“Fine. Con Air it is.” He said. Karkat frowned in confusion then rolled his eyes with understanding.

“That’s a shitty Nic Cage movie, isn’t it?”

“It is a Nic Cage movie, you are correct. But it is definitely not a shitty one!” He accused. 

“I’m pretty sure I’d win that bet.” Karkat said. 

“Pick a movie, pick a movie!” John said. Karkat rolled his eyes but a smile split his face. Karkat thought for a minute, then answered quietly.

“Okay. I know what movie I want to watch, but it’s not a Julia Roberts movie.” 

“What movie?”

“I haven't seen The Breakfast Club in like, ten years.” Karkat said. John frowned. 

"I don't think I've actually seen The Breakfast Club before..." John murmured. Karkat's eyes widened. 

"Is that a joke? Well now it's an obligation that I suggest that movie." Karkat rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you've seen random Nicolas Cage movies, but you've never seen The Breakfast Club."

John stuck out his tongue at Karkat. “I’ll check to see if Dave has it in his collection before I try to torrent it.” He was off, grinning as he went. Karkat shook his head, following John with his eyes. 

* * *

It turned out that Dave had a special edition version, as he should. John didn’t know what it was about when he went into it. They started out on the same side of the couch at the beginning of the movie, but John found his way into Karkat’s embrace halfway through the movie. Karkat didn’t think too much into it. He appreciated the platonic physical closeness of John as he watched the kids prance around the library with reckless abandon.

John was a reactionary movie watcher. He lived very in the moment as a movie watcher, and he didn’t anticipate actions until they had already come to pass. When it came to Andy's monologue, John was subconsciously holding Karkat's hand, his eyes misty with tears. Karkat pressed his cheek into John's hair and let the sincerity of the acting touch his heart. He loved this movie. He couldn't believe it had been so long since he saw it. 

The ending came much too soon. John was smiling through his tears. 'Don't You Forget About Me' played as the credits rolled. John looked up at Karkat and smiled.

"Ah!" John said, reaching up to wipe Karkat's face. "Don't cry." Karkat hadn't even realized that he was crying until John mentioned it. Karkat laughed and wiped John's face. 

"You're one to talk." Karkat said softly. "Look at you. You're a wreck." It was true. John's eyes were red and his cheeks and lips were flushed. John covered his face. 

"God, I have such a puffy, ugly crying face..." John chuckled, wiping his nose. 

"Impossible." Karkat said. "I've never seen one face of yours that was ugly." John looked up at Karkat, sincerely. He pressed his lips together and smiled that one John smile-- the one where only the first few teeth stuck out over his lip. 

"What about this?" John said, crossing his eyes and distorting his mouth. 

"Nope." Karkat laughed. "Still hot." 

"This?" John rolled his eyes to the back of his head and pulled at the sides of his cheeks. "Or this??" John continued distorting his face and making noises as Karkat laughed at them. 

"Beautiful, majestic. Like a motherfucking eagle." Karkat proclaimed. John laughed and fell back into Karkat's arms. Karkat felt better. He was surprised, he was completely shocked by the turn of emotion... but he actually felt worlds better than he did when he had isolated himself. John helped him. John was good for him. Karkat looked down at the mess of brown hair, longing filling him.

John was good for him.


	10. Chapter 10

_**January 2010** _

_**Three weeks after accident** _

Sollux fell into a deathly silence. Karkat had never experienced this before. He wouldn’t talk to Karkat, he would only come out of the room to use the bathroom. Karkat had to force him to eat, and even then it was nothing more than soup or a thin sandwich. It was terrible, he was a complete mess. Karkat would rub his back or talk to him about his day. Sollux was completely numb to everything that Karkat tried. Karkat would calm his nerves by convincing himself that this was a mourning phase that Sollux was going through.

Karkat would visit Terezi in the hospital often, she had to learn how to read Braille and use her walking cane. She was on pain medicine, but the dosage was dropping slowly, to her request. 

The day was quiet, as Terezi sat and dragged her fingers across the raised bumps of the page. Terezi often said that she loved when Karkat would visit, even if he didn’t talk to her. He would listen to him breathe and memorized his breath, so that she could tell if Karkat was in a room or not. Karkat was doing a few taxes on his laptop, going through his and Sollux’s dwindling bank account. Karkat recently bought a cheap used car to replace the one destroyed in the hospital. His insurance sky-rocketed and it sapped nearly all of his savings. To top it off, the hospital bills were not pretty, and Sollux’s parents weren’t exactly stacked with money. To ask for help from Karkat’s family was nearly laughable--the Vantas family had so many other children that they needed to support. They were strapped for money, and Karkat had to do something about it. Sollux was out of commission for a while, completely immersed in guilt or depression. Karkat was alone in this for now. 

* * *

“What happened in the car, Terezi?” Karkat asked one day. Terezi’s fingers fell from the book and she turned to face Karkat. She pursed her lips, hesitating to answer but smiled and reached blindly for Karkat’s hand. Karkat placed his hand in hers.

“Sollux wasn’t being careless.” She began, “ Vriska was dicking around in the seat behind Aradia, throwing shit at Sollux while he was driving. Sollux was getting pissed off, like… I’d never seen him so upset. I tried to calm him down. I told him that Vriska’s a bitch and he shouldn’t care what she was saying.” 

“What was she saying?” 

Terezi paused again and sighed. “It was about you. Vriska’s good at digging into people’s pasts. She’s a mole. She found out…she found out about Sollux’s bipolar disorder.”

“Everyone knows that he’s bipolar. It’s not that bad, right?”

“That’s what he told you, yeah. He was hospitalized when he was 14 for manic delusions. Hallucinations.” Terezi said. “Remember when he was out for a few months in 9th grade? He managed to keep everything from us. I don’t know how, but he did.” 

“He… has hallucinations?” Karkat breathed. 

“Yeah. Bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies.” Terezi said. “It’s the worst kind of bipolar disorder. She kept saying that if you saw that version of him, you wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. No one would want to be with him.” 

“Holy shit.” Karkat breathed. “What a fucking bitch.”

“Yeah. Aradia was quiet the whole time.” Terezi said. “She said that she doesn’t regret any minute being with Sollux, and that he was a sweet person. That you were lucky to have him.” Terezi laughed. “He was almost okay. Until Vriska said ‘Well you didn’t have to see the insane freak that used to carve up his arms.’ Then everything happened at the same time. I hit the shit out of her. Sollux screamed and turned around…Aradia tried desperately to stop him, but we drifted past the stop sign and we were just… hit. I heard Aradia scream. I heard Sollux scream Aradia’s name. And then I just remember the world flipped around. And I remembered pain.” Terezi shook her head, tears welling up in her scarred eyes. “I remember Sollux screaming your name.” Terezi murmured. “It was like a cat that had got its tail caught under a tire. He was just wailing your name, like you would be able to come and help him. I think I remember calling for you too. I didn’t want to die. I hadn’t met Dave yet. I needed to meet Dave.” Terezi smiled sadly. “Isn’t that kind of sad? A guy that I just met a few months ago on the internet was one of the first people I thought of.”

“It’s not sad.” Karkat muttered. “Maybe what you have with him is real.” 

“I don’t know.” Terezi said. “I don’t know if I’ll ever know. This is a big thing to pick up, you know.” she said. “He seemed laid back. I don’t know if he wants this version of me.” She was crying. “Oh god, how pathetic.” Terezi covered her face. “I’m crying over a guy.”

“Terezi, nothing about you has changed. You’re still the devoted girl that I’ve always known.”

“Can I even become a lawyer now?” She whispered. “How am I even going to use a computer?” 

“I’ll figure that out for you, okay? Leave it to me.”

Terezi shook her head. “You have more than enough to worry about. How’s Sollux?”

Karkat slumped over on the bed and rested his chin in his arms. Terezi slid her hand up to his hair and ran her fingers through his silky locks. 

“He hasn’t spoken since we came from the hospital. He hasn’t eaten.” Karkat murmured. “I guess it’s kind of important to check if he’s been taking his medicine, isn’t it?” Karkat said. “I didn’t even know.”

“You should call his parents.”

“I should.” Karkat murmured, ducking his head into Terezi’s side. “What are you reading?” he nudged her book.

“Pride and Prejudice.” Terezi said. “I keep having to go and check to make sure that I know what letter is what.” She sighed.

“You know, you could probably learn a shitton of languages now that you don’t have to know how to read them.” Karkat said. Terezi cracked a bit of a smile and nudged him. 

“I could watch my animes and know what they’re saying.” Terezi said. 

“You really could.” Karkat said. “All of that confusing Kanji shit that made me give up like a week into your intensive Japanese boot camp.”

“Hey!” Terezi hit him, frowning. “We do not talk of the weaboo phase.” 

Karkat chuckled and looked at Terezi. His smile fell slowly. She couldn't see when his face fell. She used to be able to read his face as well as she read hundreds of books. She could no longer see. Karkat went back to his computer. She was still here, though. Karkat reasoned. Terezi was still smiling and Terezi was still here.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not posting in a while, I've been a bit busy with college and such. Anyway~  
> This is one of my favorite chapters  
> hooray fanfiction hooray

“Karkat!!” John called into Karkat’s dark room one day. Karkat groaned and curled into a tighter ball. “oh… do you not respond to that well?” He smiled and sat at the end of Karkat’s bed.

“Karkaaaat….” he cooed. “Wake up, Kitty…” John nudged his feet. “Come on, it’s time for your cream…”

"I’m lactose intolerant.” Karkat grumbled from underneath layer and layer of blanket. John laughed and threw himself on top of the mound that was Karkat. 

“Rise and shine, stupid. It’s almost 6 pm.” 

“Get off of me.” Karkat grumbled.

“Nope.” John said. “not until you get up.”

“How in the holy ball-teasing fuck am supposed to get up when there’s an annoying 5’9 skinny white boy on top of me.” 

“Use your strength, Karkat!” John chirped. “Show the world that that scrawny form isn’t just for show!”

“Wow, fuck you, Egbert.” Karkat buried himself deeper in the pillows. “My shift doesn’t even start for another four hours.”

“Oh, you’re not doing the night shift anymore.” John said. “Terezi and I hacked into your email account and emailed your boss. You are coming with _me_ tonight.”

“Should I feel threatened?” Karkat sighed. “It’s something that Terezi would do.”

“I am an incredibly threatening being.” John said. “Anyway, guess where I want to take you tonight.”

“Oh, you’re taking me somewhere?” Karkat sat up finally, John lying on the bed next to him. John nodded. 

“We’re going to Dave’s club tonight! It’s one of his busiest nights. He’s gonna be spinning, and I haven’t seen Dave spin in years.”

“I don’t want to go to some club.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “I’m shit at parties and big groups of people in one place type things.” Karkat said. 

“Come on, Terezi’s not going, and I have to go with someone.” He whined. Karkat sighed. 

“Do you really think that whining at me is going to make me want to go with you?”

“Yes.” John said, grinning. Holy fucking shit, what is he even doing. He is literally so fucking cute. Whining at him was working.

“Fucking fine.” Karkat groaned. John jumped up. 

“Yes! See, I told you it would work.” he stuck his tongue out at Karkat. “Now get up and get ready.”

“You said it was six! You don’t show up to a club until like 11 at the earliest.” 

“I’m taking you to dinner first, dummy.” John said. “The food at clubs are expensive.”

Karkat blinked at him. John had always been friendly and open, but he was being so much more so friendly and open to Karkat since Karkat had been moping over Sollux. 

“I don’t need you to pity me, John.” Karkat said. “You don’t have to buy me things.”

“I want to! I’ve got all this extra money that I didn’t earn that I’m just allowed to spend. I figure I may as well spend it on my friends instead of stupid things for myself.”

“Alright.” Karkat said finally. He wasn’t one to argue for too long against a free meal. 

* * *

Friendly’s wasn’t the height of class, but it was at least a sit-down restaurant. Karkat got something small to eat and John got a salad.

“You’re a salad kinda guy?” 

“Not usually. But I figure I’m going to be busting some moves on the dance floor tonight.” John said. 

“Wow.” Karkat said. “That would be hilarious to watch.”

“You’ll be joining me, stupid.”

“Stop calling me stupid.”

“Baka.”

“That’s even worse.” Karkat sighed. John smiled genuinely at him. They continued back and forth until their meal arrived. Karkat was actually looking forward to spending the night with John, even if it was at a sweaty club filled with horny adults. 

* * *

“Hey there hotties, the bus to funkytown has just arrived.” Dave appeared to pick them up. John was dressed in a tight button-down shirt and an unbuttoned vest, with a pair of tight-fitting jeans. Karkat was wearing black skinny jeans and a red shirt tucked into his pants with a white buttoned down shirt unbuttoned to the mid way, wearing a red belt. his sleeves were pushed up. 

“Wow.” Dave said, wearing a tshirt that said 'hot bod' and a sleeveless hoodie with bear ears on it and black skinny jeans. He had a pair of huge headphones draped around his neck. “Y’all look like nerds.”

“Shut the fuck up, Strider.” Karkat spat. “I don’t fucking know how to dress for a club.”

“I am personally offended that you don't know the proper dress codes for my upstanding establishment.” Dave said. “Just get in the limo.”

John’s eyes lit up at the sight of the limo. “Oh my god!” He said, running towards it. Dave and Karkat followed him.

“John told me that you’ve been at the club since 4pm today getting things together."

“I have.” Dave said. 

“Then why are we arriving after you’ve been there for hours?” Karkat asked. Dave shrugged and smiled. 

“Entrances are everything, dude.” He chuckled, climbing into the limo.

“Are you fucking serious?” Karkat said. “You left the club. Just so you could go back and make a dramatic entrance?”

“Yep. It’s good for press. It gets people riled up. First you don't know how to dress, and then you don't know how to make an entrance. Do you know anything about my work at all?”

“Nope.” Karkat leaned back in the Limo. “And I don’t think I give two fucks.” 

* * *

Dave was right, though. When he exited the limo, the line of people waiting there went fucking nuts. He was the main event and these people were here for him. They went to the front of the line and were let in by the bouncer, the bouncer eyeing Karkat suspiciously. Karkat grinned and walked past him into the booming, flashing landscape. 

“Okay, go to the table at the end of that that last row. It’s my booth. I’ll have some drinks sent to you.”

“Dave! Dave, I’m only Twent--” Karkat covered John’s mouth and Dave shook his head.

“Thank you, Karkat.” Dave said. “Now go sit, y’all don’t have to dance if you don’t want to. Just wait. I’m gonna spin some mad fresh beats for you.”

“Thanks Mac Daddy D.” Karkat spat sarcastically.

“My pleasure, sweet thing.” Dave patted Karkat’s cheek before striding away. Karkat rolled his eyes and walked to where Dave pointed out. John was clutching onto Karkat’s shirt nervously. 

“I’m not usually let into clubs like this!” John yelled over the music. There were dozens of people crammed together on the dance floor. They were obviously drunk and maybe a little horny by the looks of their faces. The DJ was spinning above them playing a smooth trance beat that the men and women rolled with. John stared at them, obviously intrigued by their movements. They all seemed like one pulsing beat to the music being played for them. Karkat sighed. He hated dancing at clubs, but it seemed like he’d probably be forced to dance by John. 

They tucked into the booth, guarded by a man that could’ve been the bouncer’s brother. They were top-strong and hairy. The type of man that Karkat used to find ridiculously attractive when he was about thirteen. He must’ve known who Karkat and John were, because he let them sit in the booth that was reserved for Dave. 

“I love Dave’s music. He used to be so popular in Seattle with the girls.” John said happily. "Of course, he wouldn't let his nerdy side show much to the girls that he dated. He played coolguy for everyone but me." Karkat chuckled. 

“Somehow I’m not surprised.” Karkat rolled his eyes again. 

“You keep doing that.” John leaned forward. 

“What?” Karkat said. 

“Rolling your eyes.” John said, squinting suspiciously. His eyes widened in surprise. “You have a crush on him!”

Karkat actually reared back. “Are you kidding? That’s what you think this is?” 

“Oh come on.” John said. “Everyone has a crush on Striders.” John said, smirking.

“Everyone?” Karkat said. “What about you? You ever had a crush on a Strider?” 

John blinked and sat back, blushing. “No!” he said angrily. “I’m… I’m not a homosexual.”

Karkat sighed and sat back. “Then don’t assume that I have a crush on douchebag Strider. He’s my best friend’s boyfriend anyway.”

“They have a serious something, you know that?” John said. “When he started dating her online, I was really surprised. He had so much attention from the girls around him, you know? Even though he was only aloof in school, and a huge nerd when you got to know him. He could’ve dated anyone in the school, but he chose to date this girl online. It was weird to me. I’m really glad for it though.” John smiled. “You should’ve seen how he talked about her.”

“It was probably nothing in comparison of how she talked about him.” Karkat shook his head. “They’re made for each other. In crazy heaven or some shit.” 

“Well I’m glad that they met.” John said. “Otherwise, I’d never have met you!” John smiled at him. Karkat frowned and looked at the little bastard. What the fuck was he getting at? He was too fucking adorable, and it might even be some shitty plot that he and Strider had going on. 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yeah…” John said. “Other than Dave and his cousin Rose, and my cousin Jade, I don’t really talk to many people.” John shrugged. “You’re really easy to talk to, and… I don’t know… I just like talking to you! That doesn’t happen often for me. I’m really secluded.” 

Karkat’s frown faded away. 

“Oh… well… I’m glad that I’m easy to talk to, I guess.”

“Even though you come off as abrasive and emotionless, I know that you have them. You’re just tsundere!”

Karkat snorted. “I’m tsundere?” 

“You are like textbook tsundere, Karkat.” John said seriously. “The way that you pretend to be all ‘I don’t care’ but on the inside you really care a lot.” 

“Well said, John. We’ll write a fucking memoir together.” Karkat said. A man arrived at their table and set down their drinks in front of them. 

“From Turntech.” He said. “The blue is for John, and the red is for Karkat.” He said. He turned and left. The drinks sat on the table innocently, but Karkat didn’t trust them. 

“Turntech?” Karkat asked. John was already reaching for his drink. 

“Oh, that’s Dave’s DJ name.” John sipped his drink and made a bitter face. “He’s DJ Turntech.” 

“Oh,” Karkat said, picking up his drink. “Alright then.” He took a few sips of the liquor. It warmed him up. It was dry and bitter, but also tasted like cherries. John had already finished nearly half of his drink. It was probably mostly juice and not much alcohol. 

“Dave always knows what I like to drink.” John said, leaning back. “I don’t even know what I like as much as he does. He’s got like… this sense. He can pair someone up with their chosen alcoholic beverage.” 

“That’s a skill.” Karkat said, sipping cautiously at his drink. John smirked at him, and Karkat didn’t know how to feel about it. Before he knew it, his drink was gone and being refilled by the same barman. Good. 

* * *

Karkat was starting to feel much more relaxed, his eyes blinking slower, his movements much more fluid. John was leaning against him, his feet up on the booth’s seat. 

“God, when is… when is Dave going to play? Spin? When’s he gonna spin?” John asked, three drinks later. 

“I don’t know, don’t ask me.” Karkat said. “God. Why… why are you letting me drink this much?” 

“Shut up, we came here in a limo.” John said. “It doesn’t fucking matter how much we drink.” John turned around and wrapped his arms around Karkat’s neck. “also I want you to dance with me.” 

“Oh… fucking… this again?” Karkat slurred. “I suck at dancing.” 

“I don’t fucking care, Karkat. I don’t caaaaaaaaaare.” John giggled. 

“Now, ladies and gentleman. It is now that time of night!” A deep voice called over the speakers. “Are you ready for the man of the hour?” The crowd cheered. “Give it up for… Turntech!” The crowd went absolutely fucking nuts. John jumped up and down in his seat in excitement. Just barely visible was the albino Dave with his stupid bear hoodie and massive headphones. His sunglasses glinted in the lights as he started with a slow, loud, dramatic entrance.

“Come on, Karkat! You have to dance. With me. Come on. I can’t be by myself.” 

“You wont be there’s like… there’s like a million people out there.” Karkat said. The lights dimmed to a near pitch-blackness. John pulled Karkat’s hand. Karkat groaned. 

“No one will see you, I promise…” John whispered in Karkat’s ear. “It’s just gon be us…”

The weight of four or five drinks changed Karkat’s mind almost completely with the breath of John’s call on his ear. He was pulled out to the dance floor as Dave set up the bass to be dropped. The ride up was always a good spin. John pulled Karkat close, so fucking close oh my god. The moment left Karkat breathless before John released him and began to move to the beat in fluid motions. He was drunk as piss, and Karkat thought it was hilarious that he could see that, being drunk himself. Karkat began to move too, his eyes closed and his body loose. A small part of him knew that he would regret this later, but that small part was easily hushed by the heavy beats that slipped their way into his soul. 

John was giving Karkat these looks, oh god these looks that Karkat hoped he wasn’t misinterpreting. John backed up slowly, moving to the beat. He pressed himself close to Karkat, reaching his arms up and around Karkat’s neck, his head thrown back on Karkat’s shoulder. Holy shit. Ohhhhh my god what the fuck is he doing. Karkat unconsciously had his hands on John’s hips as they rocked back and forth to the sound. He was so drunk. What the fuck was in John’s drink? He was so drunk, but oh my god. Karkat closed his eyes and bit on John’s ear a little bit, John pressing harder into Karkat’s crotch. God, oh god. This is not right. He shouldn’t-- John leaned into Karkat’s body, his whole being seemed to want to be close to Karkat. Karkat never learned how to repress his moans, and it was even worse when he was drunk.

“Fuck…” Karkat moaned. “John… why… what are you…” 

“I like…” John breathed into Karkat’s ear. “I like seeing you… happy. I just… I want to make… I want to make you happy Karkat…” he said. Karkat closed his eyes and squeezed John’s hips, making him squeal a bit. 

“You don’t… don’t have to… god… fuck, Egbert.” Karkat was certain that he was half-hard and it was distracting. John wasn’t helping the matter, pressing his ass harder and harder into Karkat’s groin. 

“God… no…” Karkat whispered. “Jesus christ, oh god…” Karkat whispered. John flipped rapidly, turning around and facing Karkat. They connected at the hips, John swaying and pulsing to the beat. They were at the center of the mob, others dancing wildly around them. Karkat’s hands were still on John’s hips, John bringing their hips together as closely as possible. Karkat could feel John’s dick through his tight pants and it nearly sent Karkat over the edge. He was getting off on this as much at Karkat was. If he were sober, he would tell John to get off of him, that they weren’t in a relationship. Hell, if John were sober, he would probably be spewing that ‘not a homosexual’ shit that he always did.

God this was wrong. He probably shouldn’t do this. Fucking shit, he probably shouldn’t do this right now. Karkat couldn’t even tell how long they’d been out on the dance floor, moving to the thick beats that Dave had been spinning, but Karkat realized that he was thirsty and horny and John was here in his face looking magnificently shagged. 

“Excuse me, sir.” The man who was guarding Dave’s booth tapped Karkat on the shoulder. Karkat turned around, keeping a hand on John’s waist. 

“What? What.” Karkat said.

“Turntech has a room for you in the back. He said he’d meet you there in an hour or so, if you wanted to head back there now.” 

“What… whad he say?” John asked, slumped over Karkat.

“Dave wants to meet us in a room or something.” Karkat said. 

“Room?” John said. “I’m pro-room.” Karkat just stared at him. Jesus christ, John was something else when he was drunk. 

The man led them to the back where there were doors lined up. They were led through the door at the end and John was keening to get inside. 

“He’ll probably be around in an hour or so.” The man said. John nodded.

“Yes, great, thanks, great.” John was half-pushing the man out of the room. Karkat actually laughed a bit before he was silenced completely by John’s undressing. 

“John, do you really want to--”

“Shut up.” John covered Karkat’s mouth with his own and they kissed, falling down on the couch. John was pressing his hips into Karkat’s, their cocks rolling against each other’s. Their kissing was lopsided and drunken, but it was amazing to Karkat. This was fucking heaven right now.

John unbuttoned Karkat’s pants and pulled out his dick, palming it gently in his hands. Karkat moaned and bucked his hips reflexively, pulling John into a deeper kiss. 

“Do you want to touch me?” John breathed. “Would that make you happy?” 

“Fucking christ,” Karkat breathed. “fucking shit goddamn,” he could barely think, but John sat him up and straddled his lap, unzipping his pants and pulling out his own cock. Karkat looked at it longingly. John grabbed both their dicks in his hands and started to pump, his face flushed adorably. 

“God you’re fucking beautiful.” Karkat breathed, adding his hand to their dicks. John had these tiny moans that were like little cat mewls. He sucked air back in quickly and bit his lip a lot. He was fucking beautiful. He was fucking goddamned beautiful. Karkat kissed John’s chest. It was only when he sucked John’s nipples that John let out a long cry of pleasure. Sensitive nipples? Karkat felt a pang of excitement when he realized that he had something else he could use. 

“Karkat, god… god… please, Karkat…” John breathed, grinding on Karkat’s lap, clumsily pumping their dicks. Karkat continued nipping and sucking John’s chest and nipples to extract delicious cries from him. This just increased John’s pace on just Karkat’s hard dick now, as Karkat was pumping John slowly. Karkat clenched a bit, distracted by the increasing pleasure. 

“Yes… Come on, yes…” John encouraged. “Fuck. Yes. Karkat. Yes.” He picked up his pace, Karkat thrusting into his hand. 

“I’m-- im gonna… fucking… oh god--” Karkat breathed. He let out an explosive moan as he orgasmed, coming all over John’s hand and his chest. John bit his lip at the sight. 

“Jesus…” Karkat breathed. He dove into John, licking and sucking until John came just afterwards with a pull of Karkat’s hair and a high-pitched moan. It was beautiful, it was fucking perfect. 

John went limp and slid off of Karkat’s lap. 

“Good. Now I know you feel good.” John murmured, grabbing some tissues and wiping his bare chest. He handed some to Karkat who wiped off his pants. 

“I’m sorry.” Karkat said. 

“For why?” 

“For making you feel like you have to make me feel better or something. It’s not your job, you know.” Karkat said, zipping up his pants and lying on the couch. John rested his head on Karkat’s chest and shrugged. 

“I just…really want you to be happy, Karkat.” He murmured. He fell asleep almost instantly afterwards, his even breath warming Karkat’s skin. Karkat just registered someone entering the room before completely passing out himself. 

* * *

Guh. Shit. No. Being awake was the devil. Go back to sleep. Headache. Headache, god this headache is the worst headache in the history of headaches. To top it off, there was something heavy pressing down on his chest. Get off, oh my god. Karkat groaned and the pressure on his chest shifted. Memory flooded Karkat’s mind as his eyes flew open. He winced at the light, but the light came as less of a shock than the half-naked John lying on top of him. Oh god. He remembered dancing. He remembered groaning and rubbing, but he couldn’t remember how he got in this room. 

“Wake up, darlings.” Dave entered the room, flicking on the lights. Karkat flinched and covered his eyes. John frowned and groaned, curling up on Karkat’s chest. “Rough night, was it?”

“God, my head…” John groaned, blinking and looking down at Karkat’s chest. He frowned and looked up at Karkat who was glaring at Dave. “Shit.” John whispered. 

“Shit indeed, John Egbert.” Dave chuckled, smacking his ass. “It’s nearly 2 pm you know.” 

John sat up, red in the face, and felt around the floor for his glasses. Karkat picked them up for him and handed them to John. John took them without looking at Karkat, murmuring a thanks and grabbing his shirt and pants and quickly dressing. 

“John--” Karkat said. 

“I… I’m sorry, Karkat.” John said, his cheeks pinched and his eyes darting around the room. “I-it was a mistake. And… I didn’t--”

“Egbert!” Karkat interrupted. “Shut up. I get it. Thanks for taking me out last night. I had fun.” 

John hesitated, looked back at Karkat and smiled a little bit before he left the room. Dave snickered. 

“What the fuck did you put in our drinks? Some sort of aphrodisiac?” 

“Nope.” Dave crossed his arms, smiling. “John’s just a little slut when he drinks. I just gave him his liquid confidence and he did what he wanted to do.” 

“Goddammit, Strider.” Karkat hissed. Dave shrugged. 

“At least you got laid. You fuckin needed it man.” Dave threw Karkat’s shirt at him. “Don’t expect him to act any differently though.” Dave murmured. “He’s got in a few different relationships like that before.”

“Woah, what?” 

“He would sleep with guys when he was drunk and claim that it was just a mistake.” Dave said. “Nice guys too. I know that he’s gay. Fuck, I think he even knows it. But I’m hoping that he can come to embrace it. I feel like you’d be able to help him accept himself.” 

Karkat stared at Dave. It wasn’t like Strider to be sincere. 

“Look, all I’m sayin’ is… Don’t expect anything from him. But don’t give up on him, alright?” 

Karkat felt a tug at his lower stomach and he suddenly felt very sick. 

“Thanks for the advice, Strider. No offense, but can we talk about this when I’m not severely hungover?” Karkat sat up and his head spun, making his stomach turn over on itself. He searched desperately for a trash can and made it just in time. Dave scrunched up his nose and turned away. 

“Yeah. I’ll drop John off first and then come back to pick you up, alright?”

Karkat raised a weary thumb to show that he understood as he retched into the trashcan. Dave sighed and left the room.


	12. Chapter 12

_**January 2010-August 2010** _

The following months were the hardest months of Karkat’s entire life. He could attribute this entire feeling by walking to the local market and buying a battery powered space heater. He cried silently the entire way home. Even with two jobs the money was tight. Karkat was buried under bills and Sollux was no help whatsoever. Sollux laid in bed and refused food, which Karkat had to admit was saving them money. Sollux had started behaving oddly, though. Sometimes he would scream and cry, pulling at his clothes. He would complain of heat or bugs or light and Karkat would scramble to accommodate him. Karkat had never experienced the symptoms that Terezi had explained, though Karkat could get him to take his medicine occasionally. He went into obvious withdrawal when he didn’t take it. 

Before the accident, Karkat didn’t know just how many medicines Sollux was taking. Now that Karkat had to essentially force them into his system, Karkat was amazed by the number of little pills that Sollux needed to take to be stable. 

Sollux laid in bed for a majority of these months, sometimes venturing out into the kitchen to make a fantastic meal during a manic phase. He would complain about the lack of light and the lack of heat to which Karkat had to grit his teeth and ignore. The first thing to go was the internet. Next, the heating. Karkat pawned his laptop, but he couldn’t even get close to Sollux’s computer. He sold his clothes and their couch and their television. Everything that someone could possibly want, Karkat tried to sell it. It still wasn’t enough. Now Karkat had stopped paying their electric bills because they weren’t able to pay it. Karkat sat in the dark, or by candlelight, and would bury himself in Jodi Piccoult books from the local library as Sollux slept restlessly in the bedroom. 

Karkat couldn’t imagine it getting any worse. Of course, the universe ached to prove him wrong. 

* * *

“Hello, Mr. Captor? This is Karkat Vantas, I was hoping to talk to you for a bit?” Karkat was huddled next to the payphone outside of their apartment complex. He owned a cellphone for work, but he tried not to use minutes unless it was absolutely necessary.

“Hm? Oh, yes! Karkat! How are you, son?” Mr. Captor said in his thick Korean accent.

“I’m doing well,” Karkat lied. “I don’t have much time. Can I ask you a question?” 

“Of course.” 

“I went to pick up Sollux’s medicines from the store and the copay increased. They come to a total of about $250 now instead of about $20 like they were before. Why did that happen?” 

“Oh…” Mr. Captor paused. “Sollux’s birthday was last week, don’t you remember? He turned 21. You must’ve thrown a party for him.”

“Yes, yes of course.” Karkat’s eyes widened. He’d completely forgotten Sollux’s birthday, and it seems that Sollux completely forgot as well. 

“Well, at 21, he stops being a part of our medical plan.” Mr. Captor said. “His medication is rather expensive without health insurance.” 

Karkat’s laugh was strained. He had hoped it was just a misprint or a mistake with the doctors. No. Sollux no longer had health insurance. 

“I can send you $50 every month for his medicine, but I can’t pay for it all. Sollux can put up the other $200. He’ll just have to get another job.” Another. As though he had one in the first place. 

“Yeah, okay.” Karkat said. “Thank you, Mr. Captor.” Karkat said, his voice stuck in his throat. He could barely breathe. Another expense. Karkat didn’t know if he could handle another expense. 

“Couldn’t I speak with Sollux? Where is he?” 

“Oh, he’s coding.” Karkat lied. “You know how he gets when he’s in the middle of something.”

Mr. Captor laughed good-naturedly. 

“Don’t I. Well I hope you straighten out this medicine business, Karkat.” He hesitated. “Be careful. My son off medication…” Mr. Captor’s voice trailed off into nothing. “Just… be certain he gets his medicine. All of it, alright?” 

“I’ll do my best, sir.” Karkat said, his heart racing in his chest. 

“Alright. Take care.”

“You too,” Karkat said, his mouth completely dry. The line clicked silent. Karkat swallowed and slowly hung the phone up on the receiver. Oh God. Fuck. Oh my God. There was no fucking way that he could afford $200 a month without picking up a third job. They were at the ends of their cash as it was. He’d have to take out food for good. Or he’d have to stop their water bill. Karkat refused to stop paying his rent-- he would not be homeless if it killed him. Karkat slid down the payphone and dropped his head into his hands. Maybe he could find $200 somewhere in between the water and rent and taxes and medical bills and groceries and gas and car insurance. Karkat let out a wounded howl, and people passing by turned to stare at him. He didn’t fucking care what they though of him right now. There was no way that he would be able to pay for Sollux’s medicine. 

* * *

“Hey Karkat.” Terezi said, opening the door for him. She now took to wearing red glasses all the time and carrying her cane with her. She was getting so much better at using it, and it turned out that there was a league of blind lawyers, so Terezi just had to shift her learning schedule a bit to accommodate her disability. She was learning Japanese and Spanish and often spoke in these languages around Karkat to annoy him. Her grin was genuine, and Karkat was glad that she couldn’t see him. 

“Hey, Terezi.” He stepped into her apartment. Vriska had taken a plane back home for physical therapy, leaving Terezi to pay for the apartment on her own.

“How can you afford this place, Terezi?” Karkat said, sitting down on the couch, marveling at the warmth and the light.

“I can’t. My mom pays for it. If I get decent grades in school, she’ll pay all the bills for me.” Terezi shrugged. “It’s a pretty sweet deal, considering that I want to learn law.”

“That’s good.” Karkat said. “So, why’d you invite me over?” 

“I’m gonna cook for you!” She said happily. “I haven’t talked to you in so long! Didn’t you move here for me, you lug?” 

“Oh, yeah.” Karkat said, smiling. “I did miss you, Terezi. I’ve just been stacked with things lately.” 

“What kinda things?” Terezi said, pulling eggs and chicken cutlets out of the refrigerator. 

“Money.” Karkat murmured. “Sollux.” He closed his eyes. “Terezi…” He pursed his lips. 

“Yeah?” She turned around, smiling. God. Karkat couldn’t destroy that. He couldn’t ruin her happiness like that. In this moment he decided not to tell Terezi anything. He would tell her about the money problems, but not so much that Terezi felt that she needed to help him. He wanted to prove that he could live alone. He could do this. No one needed to know. 

* * *

“Please Sollux,” Karkat grabbed at the fingers clenched tight around his neck. “You’re hurting me.” he could barely breathe. Sollux’s eyes were flashing angrily. 

“Get the fuck out of my head!” He screamed, slamming Karkat’s head down on the tile. Karkat felt a gash open in the back of his head. White spots marred his vision and he began to panic as the lack of oxygen made him light-headed. His head swam with the force of the repeated slamming of his skull against the tiles. Karkat clawed at Sollux’s face to try and get him off. Sollux finally released him and Karkat ran, hiding behind the door frame to look at Sollux. Sollux’s head was bowed and he was staring at his hands, blood on the kitchen floor and staining his fingers. Karkat felt woozy, he held his vomit down but looked at Sollux fearfully. The attack had been completely random, a burst of sheer, raw anger that had Karkat running for his life. 

“God… oh god…” Sollux breathed. “Jesus. Fucking… help me. Help--” Sollux looked up into Karkat’s eyes, brimming with tears. “They’re back, Karkat. They’re back and…they’re back. I can see them and hear them. They won’t stop, Karkat.” 

Karkat stepped gingerly towards Sollux. What was going on? Karkat was still terrified, unwilling to approach Sollux in this state. What did he mean, they? His hallucinations? 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Sollux sobbed. Karkat’s head was throbbing as he walked toward Sollux and wrapped him in a hug. He wasn’t able to afford the medicine and Sollux had been two months off of all of his medicines. He didn’t sleep as much as he used to. In fact, he would sit up late at night, unable to close his eyes. He would whisper to himself at the delusions that tortured him relentlessly. It absolutely destroyed Karkat. Karkat finally got up the nerve to approach Sollux. He held onto Sollux as they walked to their bedroom.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this.” Sollux whispered as Karkat sat on the bed next to him. 

“It’s okay. I’ll take care of you. You’ll get better.”

“It’s impossible, KK.” Sollux whispered, his eyes getting a glassy look about them that always frightened Karkat. “I’ve lost it. I’ve fucking lost it. I don’t know if you’re real, KK. I can’t tell if you’re real or if you’re a fucking demon that my mind has created. I don’t even know if my mind is creating these things, Karkat. What if they’re real? What if the devils are real?” 

“They’re not real, do you hear me?” Karkat said firmly, taking Sollux’s hands in his. “I’m real. You’re real. You will get through this, okay? Reality will come back.” Karkat said. 

“I don’t know, Karkat.” Sollux whispered. “I just don’t know.” He closed his eyes. “Can I have some Nyquil?” 

“Yeah.” Karkat said, defeated. “I’ll go get it for you.” He stood and went to the kitchen, lit by candles still. He pulled out the Nyquil from the cupboard, accidentally stepping in the smear of blood on the tile floor. He lifted his socked foot and slid off the sock. He’d have to clean the floor in a bit, but Sollux took priority. He got Sollux a dose of Nyquil and watched as the tormented boy was dragged down into a fitful sleep.

Karkat cleaned the kitchen floor and decided on a bath, heating up his water with a battery powered kettle. He cleaned the dried blood off the back of his head, stinging where the gash had opened. He needed to dress it, but he was feeling woozy. He may have a concussion, but it didn’t matter right now. He was going to be late to work. 

* * *

Karkat yelped as Sollux sprinted towards him at first glance. God, No. He flattened himself against the wall, huddled in a corner as Sollux brought his fists down on Karkat, bruising his arms and chest. 

“Stop!” Karkat screamed. “Fucking stop!” 

“Get the fuck away from me!” he bellowed in a voice that was not his own. 

“Sollux, stop it!” Karkat begged. 

“No!” Sollux cried. “Leave!” Sollux caught himself mid swing and his eyes opened wider. “Shit-- Kar--Karkat--”

“Yes, you fucking asshole!” Karkat screamed. “It’s me, goddamnit!” he wiped the blood from his nose. Sollux froze before violently ripping at his own self. He smashed his fist against the wall, punching a hole in the drywall and ran to the kitchen and pulled a knife to his wrists. He began cutting himself all over, deep gashes in his arms and legs. He cut his face and chest and Karkat screamed, running to take the knife from him. He wrestled Sollux to the ground and wrenched the knife from his grasp. 

“STOP IT!” Karkat screamed. “STOP IT SOLLUX!” He cried, shaking Sollux frantically as Sollux sobbed weakly. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I keep doing this to you. I keep doing this. I need punishment. I’m fucking sick. I’m fucking disgusting.” Sollux’s lisp was so thick that Karkat imagined him as the 8 year old that he had just met. Karkat’s eyes welled up with tears. Sollux began to giggle, terrifying Karkat. 

“I’m gone, KK. Give up on me, come on. It’s easier for everyone. Let me die. Come on.” 

“Absolutely no fucking way.” Karkat said firmly. “You… you’ll get better. Don’t worry.”

“I can’t get better, Karkat, I can’t. I’m falling, I’m sinking and I’m taking you down with me.” Sollux rolled his eyes. “You’re being stubborn.”

“Yes I fucking am, you psycho son of a bitch.” Karkat said firmly, dropping the knife to the ground and helping Sollux up off the ground. 

Karkat helped Sollux to the bedroom where Sollux had taken his root. This man had become a shade of the man that Karkat used to know. This man, unmedicated, wracked with grief, this man wasn’t anything like the Sollux Captor that Karkat knew. Sollux was hooked on sleeping medicines now, his eyes sunken in and his breath broken. Karkat couldn’t sleep next to Sollux anymore. Sometimes he woke up abruptly in the middle of the night and began to have conversations with people who weren’t there. Sometimes Sollux would get up and start doing push-ups or jumping jacks and he would sing loudly, prompting neighbors to bang on the wall. Karkat couldn’t do anything for this. He would cover his head with a pillow and cry in their empty living room. He would lay on the floor of the living room with a duvet and the space heater and he would cry. He didn’t know what to do about this. This wasn’t a way to live. Sollux was going insane. He was developing a dependency to sleeping medicine and he was talking to walls. He was hitting Karkat and tearing up his own skin.

Karkat hated going to work and having to explain the black eyes and the stitches on his face. It was hard to explain the dried blood on his clothes and the bruises on around his neck. He fell down the stairs. He got mugged. Karkat’s laugh would be hollow. He sure was a klutz! Boy he was sure unlucky! How could he explain to anyone that these bruises were keeping his boyfriend safe? Karkat didn’t feel abused. Sollux wasn’t in his right mind when he hit Karkat. He was trying to get rid of the demons in his own heart, he wanted to be alright. Karkat was there to be the scapegoat for his desperation. By the time Summer rolled around, Sollux stopped recognizing Karkat during the beatings. Karkat would have to leave the apartment for a little bit, nose dripping and lungs wheezing. He’d come back an hour or so later after sitting in the stairwell crying, and he’d call out to Sollux. Sollux would see the state that Karkat was in and begin to cry. He knew what he was doing. Karkat knew that Sollux wished that he could stop. Karkat wished that Sollux could stop too. Terezi couldn't know about this. Terezi would speak truths that Karkat was unwilling to hear. They were both circling the drain. They were both descending into hell.


	13. Chapter 13

It had been a few weeks since the incident at Dave’s club. John avoided the topic like the plague. Terezi had done her fair share of teasing Karkat on the subject. It had effectively pulled Karkat out of his depression, but John had stopped coming around. He didn’t see John on Skype much anymore. He supposed that John preferred his sexuality crises to be away from everyone. That didn’t bother Karkat, just so long as he didn’t stop talking to Karkat completely. Karkat didn’t drink much, but he pulled out a cheap white wine and sat down at his computer. He sipped it and looked at the unused icon at the edge of his desktop. Pesterchum. He hadn’t been on pesterchum for months, maybe even a year or so. Not since Eridan Ampora messaged him using the chat client. Karkat took a gulp of wine and double clicked it. 

It opened with a noise like a bursting bubble and showed his friends list before him. He still had apocalypseArisen as a friend. Her last update was still there underneath her “offline” status. “Life’s a funny little song played in a minor chord.” 

He had met so many people online back when the internet was a major part of his life. Before moving from Ohio, really. Kanaya was online. It would be nice to have a chat with her. She always knew what to say, even if she said it in a way that Karkat could barely understand. Karkat took a sip and scrolled. He’d added Equius a while ago for some reason he never understood. That guy creeped him out. He brought with him a small French girl that was definitely part cat that insisted on talking to him a lot. She was sweet, but she was also odd. Karkat froze when he saw the little green symbol. twinArmegeddons was online. Sollux was online. Karkat wondered bitterly what Sollux would do if he started up a conversation. Karkat continued scrolling until he reached the bottom of his friends list. A lot of people were online, and he could probably chat with anyone that he wanted to. He thought about going for Kanaya until a chat appeared in front of him. 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  


AG: Heeeeeeeey vantas!!!!!!!!  
AG: Fancy seeing you here.  
CG: WOW. EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED. YES, UNIVERSE YOU’VE GOT ME DOWN PAT.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT SERKET.  
AG: Can’t a friend chat harmlessly with another friend? :::: )  
CG: I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND VRISKA.   
AG: Oh come oooooooon.   
CG: NO.   
AG: Well whatever. I hear from a certain ssssssssomebody that I’m doing 8etter in the red quadrant than a certain 8lack haired 8oy.   
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STILL USE THAT FUCKING QUADRANT SYSTEM TEREZI AND I MADE UP IN MIDDLE SCHOOL  
CG: GROW THE FUCK UP  
CG: ALSO WHO IS TALKING ABOUT ME?  
AG: Eridan Ampora.   
CG: FUCK HIM  
CG: FUCK EVERYTHING HE SAYS  
CG: HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME AND HES A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT  
CG: I THINK YOU TWO WOULD GET ALONG AMAZINGLY. CONGRATULATIONS YOU’VE LANDED YOURSELF A SHITBAG.  
AG: I’m not the one whos d8ing ampora  
AG: as I’m certain you are p8nfully, lying in 8ed, depressed for days aware  
AG: no, I’ve got a d8 with this other little 8oy.  
CG: YOU’RE A GODDAMNED ENABLER AND I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR SHITTY TEXT FOR ANOTHER SECOND  
AG: are you still not over the whole tavros thing? :::: (  
CG: “THE WHOLE TAVROS THING” YOU FUCKING MENTALLY ABUSED THE BOY, AND YOU THINK I’M GOING TO BE OVER IT?  
CG: HE MAY NOT BE MY BEST FRIEND OR ANYTHING BUT NO ONE DESERVES TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE YOU  
AG: well I’m in this new rel8tionship and I’m pretty sure hes the sweetest thing on the planet.  
CG: ARE YOU LISTENING TO A WORD I’M SAYING  
AG: his name is John. :::: ) We’re going on our third d8 next week.   
CG: I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS SERKET. STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT.   
\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  


AG: His name is John Eg8ert and I’m pr8tty sure that he’s the most polite sweet boy that I’ve ever met.  
AG: even sweeter than that slut Nitram.   


Karkat’s heart fell into his stomach. He didn’t want to believe this shit that Vriska was saying. Vriska lied all the time. She lied because she was bored and prompted. There’s no way that this could be true. 

CG: BULLSHIT.   
CG: YOU GOT THAT NAME FROM AMPORA.  
AG: Hahahaha, nope. I didn’t even know that Ampora knew John!!!!!!!!  
AG: Anyway, he’s reeeeeeeeally nice. He knows how to treat a girl!  
CG: FUCK OFF.   
AG: you’re not jealous, are you Karkat?  
CG: FUCK.   
CG: OFF.   
AG: Ask him! I’m sure he’d be more than happy to tell you.

\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] \--  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

AG: his kiss is soooooooo sweet.   
AG: he actually asked to hold my hand! And he 8lushed like a little school8oy.   
AG: I can’t w8 to fuck him. I 8et he’s gr8 in 8ed >:::: ) 

\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG] blocked arachnidsGrip [AG] \--

Karkat was shaking. This time, it wasn’t with sadness. It was with anger. He downed the rest of his glass of wine and realized that he was pouring himself his third glass. Anger tingled at the tips of his fingers. He saw that John wasn’t online on skype, so he typed his skype name into pesterchum. Lo and behold, there he was, John Egbert. Online and probably avoiding Karkat at all costs. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--  
CG: ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH VRISKA?  
EB: omg karkat  
EB: I didn’t know you came onto pesterchum! Dave said you didn’t use it anymore  
CG: YEAH, YEAH, THAT’S WHY YOURE HERE AVOIDING ME LIKE I’M YOUR WALKING SEXUALITY CRISIS I FUCKING GET IT  
CG: I GET THAT I PROVIDE A LEGITIMATE DOWNFALL IN YOUR OH-SO-SOLID HETEROSEXUALITY BUT PLEASE  
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST  
CG: ANSWER MY GODDAMNED QUESTION  
EB: I… I’m not sleeping with her, no  
CG: DO YOU PLAN TO  
EB: I don’t know how that’s any of your business  
CG: CUT THE SHIT, OKAY  
CG: VRISKA IS A SUCCUBUS  
CG: SHE TAKES YOUR SOUL THROUGH YOUR DICK  
CG: SHE PREYS ON YOUNG BOYS AND KEEPS THEM ON A LEASH SO SHORT THAT SHE CHOKES THEM WITH IT  
CG: SHE IS DEMANDING  
CG: DON’T GET YOURSELF TANGLED UP IN HER.   
EB: she’s nice!  
EB: I really like her, karkat!  
CG: OKAY WELL  
CG: I’VE KNOWN HER LONGER THAN YOU  
CG: AND YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T LIKE HER  
EB: don’t tell me who I can or can’t like! You’re not my mom! I’ll date whoever I want to date and you can’t stop me!  
CG: I’M SERIOUS YOU’LL REGRET IT  
CG: SHE’S THE DEVIL, JOHN. PLEASE LISTEN TO ME  
EB: no! You haven’t even asked me how our first dates went! It’s all just ‘don’t date her, john’ and ‘shes a succubus john’ and you didn’t even want to know if Im happy or not!  
CG: FUCK  
CG: WELL MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING ME FOR WEEKS  
CG: MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU’VE TREATED ME LIKE I’M SOME SORT OF DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE  
CG: MAYBE I MISS THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND YOU WON’T GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY ANYMORE  
CG: MAYBE I HAD TO HEAR ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP FROM THE SPIDER HERSELF AMIST A BARRAGE OF INSULTS  
CG: MAYBE I’M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING THE BUTT OF JOKES AND THE LAST TO KNOW THINGS  
CG: MAYBE I JUST WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE YOU HAPPY INSTEAD OF SOMEONE WHO BRUTALLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSES HER VICTIMS  
CG: MAYBE YOU CAN FUCKING TRUST ME ONCE IN A WHILE INSTEAD OF ACCUSING ME LIKE I’M SOME SORT OF PARIAH

Karkat barely registered his own tears. They weren’t sadness, they were anger. Karkat was filled up with so much rage that he was shaking from the adrenaline. 

CG: AND IT’S NOT LIKE I LURED YOU INTO MY DEN OF HOMOSEXUALITY AND CALLED TO YOUR DICK LIKE A SNAKE CHARMER   
CG: YOU CAME ONTO ME IF YOU DON’T REMEMBER   
CG: WHICH YOU MIGHT NOT   
CG: BECAUSE YOU HAD A LOT TO DRINK   
CG: BUT YOU DID. YOU PULLED ME INTO THAT ROOM. YOU PUSHED ME ONTO THAT COUCH AND YOU STUCK YOUR HAND DOWN MY PANTS. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING   
CG: YOU HAVE TO LIVE UP TO YOUR OWN FUCKING ACTIONS AND YOU CAN’T BLAME ME FOR THEM   
EB: I’m sorry, I’m sorry…   
EB: it was a mistake, karkat I didn’t mean to   
CG: DAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THE TRICKS YOU USED TO TURN BACK HOME   
CG: HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN SEVEN OTHER TIMES WITH FOUR OTHER MEN AND STILL BE A FUCKING MISTAKE??   
CG: DO YOU THINK WE’RE FUCKING STUPID?? ARE YOU SO FUCKING BLIND THAT YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP REPRESSING YOURSELF UNTIL YOU’RE SO FUCKING DESPERATE FOR SOME PUSSY THAT YOU’D DATE VRISKA SERKET   
CG: I’VE BEEN YOUR FRIEND SINCE YOU GOT HERE AND I’M TELLING YOU THAT SHE’S DANGEROUS   
CG: AND YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME   
CG: WELL FUCK YOU JOHN EGBERT FOR SHITTING ALL OVER ME LIKE THAT   
EB: karkat please!! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I’ve just been confused lately…   
CG: AHAHAH CONFUSED THAT’S A FUCKING GOOD ONE.    
CG: MAYBE “DELUSIONAL” IS MORE OF THE TERM.   
CG: I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU CAN’T BE BISEXUAL THAT’S A LEGITIMATE POSSIBILITY   
CG: BUT TO BE BISEXUAL FOR VRISKA SERKET IS RIDICULOUS BORDERING ON THE SUICIDAL   
EB: how about this   
EB: I’ll invite her over to the house   
EB: and you can be there   
EB: watch how she treats me, and I’ll see how she treats everyone else, including you   
EB: and then I’ll tell you if you’re right or not   
EB: okay??   
EB: are we done attacking me for personal choices now??   
CG: I WASN’T ATTACKING YOU   
EB: fuck you karkat, that was exactly you were doing   
EB: maybe we had a little fling   
EB: maybe I make bad choices while intoxicated   
EB: maybe I’ve been avoiding you because I feel like a little whore that can’t control himself    
EB: maybe I’m afraid of myself around you   
EB: does that sound about right?   
EB: is this making you feel any better   
CG: JOHN, I WASN’T ATTACKING YOU OR ACCUSING YOU   
EB: are you kidding me?????????   
EB: "YOU HAVE TO LIVE UP TO YOUR OWN FUCKING ACTIONS AND YOU CAN’T BLAME ME FOR THEM"   
EB: what the fuck does that look like??   
CG: I DON’T KNOW JOHN I WAS UPSET OKAY? I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU, AND YOU PULLING AWAY FROM ME SCARES ME   
EB: I feel weird around you, karkat. And yeah, I did sleep with a few guys before. But I didn’t feel anything around them! I didn’t feel attached to them-- they weren’t even my friends!!   
EB: this is the first time I’ve done this with a friend, and I’m scared. I don’t know what to think and it’s scaring me.   
CG: I UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING, JOHN.    
CG: IT’S A LITTLE FEELING WE LIKE TO CALL “BICURIOUSITY”   
EB: stop mocking me!!   
CG: I’M NOT MOCKING YOU   
EB: Yes you are!! You and Dave and everyone who talks to me-- whenever I tell them that I’m not a homosexual they all laugh and roll their eyes!! Like I’m some kind of joke!! Like they know more about me than I do!!   
EB: Well fuck you, Mr. Vantas!   
CG: CHRIST, EGBERT, I’M NOT FUCKING MOCKING YOU!! I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL AND JOKES ARE THE ONLY WAY I’M GOOD AT CONSOLATION   
CG: I DON’T WANT TO PRETEND TO KNOW YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF   
CG: BUT THERE IS AN ISSUE, AND THE ISSUE IS THOSE MEN THAT YOU SLEPT WITH   
CG: WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH THE MEN, IF YOU AREN’T SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MEN?   
EB: can we please not talk about this over pesterchum?   
EB: I feel like you’re yelling at me event though you’re not.   
CG: is this better?   
EB: now it just feels weird.   
EB: I’d rather talk to you about this in person. Maybe. I’ll invite Vriska over and we can talk after that, okay?   
CG: ALRIGHT.   
EB: karkat, I’m really sorry.   
CG: FOR WHAT?   
EB: confusing you, making you feel marginalized   
CG: IT’S ALRIGHT. YOU HAVE A REASON TO.   
EB: not really. I’ll talk to you about it later, alright?   
CG: ALRIGHT.   
EB: goodnight. : )   
CG: GOODNIGHT c:B 

Karkat leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. He really needed to stop drinking so much alcohol. The wine was making his head groggy and he didn’t feel like dealing with it right now. So Vriska was going over to the Strider/Egbert household, and Karkat was invited. Karkat really wanted to wake Terezi up to tell her the news, but he felt too exhausted to make the effort.

John was caught up in his identity and Karkat was at the center. Great.


	14. Chapter 14

_**September 2010** _

Karkat spent his time waiting for his next shift. He devoured books, desperate to distract from his wounds and his impending eviction. He read books instead of listening to Sollux’s cries. He read to get away from everything. He would still sing to Sollux in his sleep. Occasionally, Sollux would be himself and he would come and sit next to Karkat and make him read aloud. 

“Do you think heaven exists?” Sollux asked him one day, quietly. 

“No, I don’t.” Karkat murmured. 

“What about hell?” There was a great pause after Sollux’s question. The churning of their bodies and the whistle of the wind filled the empty spaces in the apartment. 

“It’s right here.” Karkat’s voice was half a whisper. “It’s seeing you suffer and not being able to do anything about it. It’s being freezing in the wintertime. It's being hungry at Christmas. This is hell, Sollux. I believe it with my whole heart.” 

“Me too.” Sollux whispered into Karkat’s arm, his eyes closed. “Every time I hit you, every time I hear the shrieks of people who aren’t there, every time I see phantoms of my mania, I know that I’m in hell.” Sollux’s eyes were damp with tears, he looked up at Karkat with a faint smile. “You’re right, KK. This is hell. But the problem is… I’m the Devil. I’m the one who created this hell for you. I can’t leave hell, I made it. But you can.” 

“No.” Karkat said. 

“Leave me, Karkat.”

“No.” 

“Go live with Terezi. Let me be homeless.”

“No!” Karkat said firmly, his eyes flashing. “I’m not leaving you. I’m not leaving you alone. You’re a danger to yourself, Sollux.”

“Why?” Sollux pounded his fist on the ground. “Why won’t you just leave me? I don’t want to keep hurting you!”

“Because I love you.” Karkat said. “And I won’t leave you. Why would you even say something like that?”

“Because I knew that you’d say that you love me.” Sollux’s eyes dripped with tears. “And I just wanted to hear that.” Karkat softened.

“I do. I love you. I love you so much that when I look at you, I see you bathed in this golden light. I love you so much that I want to take every piece of you and shine it so it glows brilliantly. I love you more than myself, Sollux.”

“Don’t do that. Love yourself, Karkat. You’re lovely.” Sollux said, his eyes drooping. 

“How much Nyquil have you had?” Karkat shook Sollux. 

“Just a little bit. Don’t worry, Karkat.” Sollux said. “Keep reading the Lovely Bones, I like hearing your voice.” He said, his eyes closing. Karkat hesitated before he continued reading. 

* * *

Knocks on the door made Karkat jump. He knew, any day now, his landlord would be at his door and demand money that Karkat just didn’t have. This time, it was Terezi. She looked furious. 

“Hello, Karkat.” She was using her courtroom voice on him, and he couldn’t imagine why. 

“Terezi, oh my god, what are you doing here? How did you even get here?” 

“I took a bus. I’m still allowed to do that, aren’t I?” She said, stepping around him and into the house, using her cane to check the ground in front of her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Where’s Sollux?”

“He’s sleeping…” Karkat was still intensely confused. “Terezi, what the hell is going on.”

“You! You’re what’s going on!” She said angrily. “Guess who called me?”

“I don’t know, but they must’ve said something pretty serious to make you this mad at me…”

“Porrim!” She crossed her arms. Karkat’s heart sunk. His surrogate sister was always a bit meddlesome when it came to Karkat’s life.

“When she couldn’t reach you, she called the landlord to see if you were still living here. He said ‘not for long’ and that you were going to be evicted. She found out that your apartment didn’t have any heat or electricity in the winter. She called me in tears asking me to check on you.” She said angrily. "She explained everything to me and I got on the next bus I could."

“Terezi…” Karkat whispered. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Terezi shouted, her hands on her hips? “Are you fucking joking me? You’ve been living like this while I’m all on my own in this too-big apartment? Move in with me, you piece of shit! Don’t live like this because you feel you have to!” 

“No, Terezi, I can’t.” Karkat’s voice was small. 

“Karkat, there’s nothing we can do for Sollux. You’re going to be evicted.”

“I knew you wouldn’t let him move in with me.” Karkat said. “You’d want him in a mental hospital.”

“That’s where he belongs! I’m not saying this to be mean, but he needs serious medical help, Karkat! Keeping him here will do nothing for him.”

“What do you suggest I do then, hm?” Karkat yelled at her. “What is the best plan of attack for you?”

“Send Sollux home to Ohio. Have him looked after by doctors that his father knows. Move in with me. Help pay my rent. Be warm. Be safe.” 

“I’m not leaving him. I’m not.”

“Karkat--”

“No!” Karkat bellowed. 

“He’s making you mentally ill too.” Terezi said, placing a hand gently on Karkat’s face. Her deep brown hand with its tender softness calmed Karkat. “You’re getting no sleep. I worked it out. You’re working two jobs full time, the shifts give you about three hours of sleep a day. You’re slipping just as much as he is, Karkat. Only it’s more subtle with you.”

“No.” Karkat began to feel numb. 

“You’re working yourself to death. You’re exhausting yourself to the point where you’re going to snap.”

“No.” Karkat’s voice was fading. 

“Leave him.” Terezi whispered. “You need to leave him. You need to let him go, and move on.” 

“Terezi, no.” Karkat begged. “I can’t leave him. He needs me.”

“This is no longer love, Karkat, this is addiction.” 

“What the fuck are you talking about, that doesn’t make any sense!” Karkat shouted. “Get out! I’ll figure something out! I still have my car, We can live in my car until I get things together! Shut the hell up and leave me alone!” Karkat screamed at her until he backed her out of the doorway. He slammed the door in her face.

Karkat buried his fingers in his hair. He knew that there was no other way. He knew that what Terezi was saying made complete sense. He curled up on the ground and cried. He was doing that a lot lately. Sobbing uncontrollably due to a lack of sleep and increasing stress. He half expected himself to die of a heart attack at 25.

Sollux and he were on the same boat, slowly sinking into the lowest, darkest, saltiest bit of ocean. Goddammit, Porrim. Mind your own damned business. He wouldn’t leave Sollux. He couldn’t. 


	15. Chapter 15

"The last time I saw Vriska, I _saw_ Vriska.” Terezi said, crossing her legs and taking a sip of beer. “I don’t exactly look forward to the reunion.”

“You two were pretty close, though.” Karkat said. “You used to call her your sister.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t have any siblings and she was my first roommate.” Terezi grimaced. “Also, she keeps harassing me on pesterchum, it’s annoying.”

“What does she harass you about?” John asked.

“She blames me for losing her arm and her eye. She said I invited her to go see the stupid movie when we got in the accident. I blame her for antagonizing the driver like the antagonist she is.” Terezi spat. She laughed bitterly. 

“That is an awful lot of animosity.” John said. 

“She keeps joking about Aradia’s death like it was all a joke to her. She’s racist and horrible.”

“She’s not that bad, is she?” John asked. 

“She’s really shitty, John. Being her boyfriend is a full time job.” Terezi said. “Don’t be fooled by her.”

The doorbell rang. John jumped up to go answer it. Terezi rolled her useless eyes and took another swig of beer. John led Vriska into the room where Terezi sat inside Dave’s arms and Karkat sat on the back of a sofa. Vriska cackled at the sight. 

“When John said he wanted me to meet some of his friends, I didn’t know he meant you two.” 

“Ahem.” Dave said, raising his hand. “I’m new.”

“Oh, right.” Vriska shrugged him off. “Hey roomie! Sista!” Vriska leaned into Terezi’s face. “Long time… no _see_.” She chuckled at her own joke, though no one else was amused at all. “Same with you, shorty.” Vriska turned her useful eye to Karkat. She was wearing a pair of glasses with one lens that was blacked out and had seven red gems glowing bright. Karkat had to stele his nerves and he approached Vriska as though he didn’t know what a piece of shit she was. 

“So. How did you and John meet?” 

She chuckled. “He was standing outside the college waiting for a bus and I hit on him. He was adorable as shit, stammering and smiling and being all polite. I just love that in a man.” Vriska said, pressing her face into John’s. John flushed and said nothing as Karkat’s hands squeezed into fists.

“Vriska, this is Dave Strider.”

“Oh my fucking shit. This is Dave Strider?” Vriska leaned in. “You’re albino, right?” John grimaced a bit. Dave lowered his shades a bit to stare at Vriska through his red contact lenses. “Terezi was fucking obsessed with you. I remember that shit. Oh man. This was a good idea.” She laughed. No one was laughing with her. 

“How do you have an arm? I thought you lost it.” Dave said. 

“Oh… Equius made me one. You know, Aradia’s boyfriend. Well,” She snorted. “Ex boyfriend, I guess.” She flexed the fingers. “It’s really good. I like that it looks like a robot arm. It makes me feel unapproachable.” She grinned. “Maybe you could get your nerdy ex to write some programs for this thing.” Vriska nudged Karkat. 

“I’m sorry John.” Karkat said to John. “She’s too much of a bitch.” He turned to leave Dave’s apartment. 

“Oh, fuck you, Vantas.” Vriska said. “I was only joking to break some of the obvious tension that we all have.”

“You don’t fucking insult people as a joke, you sociopathic fuck.” Karkat said. “This isn’t breaking tension, this is being a complete asshole. I have no idea how Tavros put up with you for so fucking long.” Vriska’s face flashed with anger. 

“Well it’s no surprise how a fucking paki like you ran both you and that chink-eyed bastard to pieces.” She spat. Karkat turned around, an anger swelling up inside of him like he had never felt before. Thousands of little things came together at once as he turned, his eyes blazing. You didn’t call him that. You didn’t call him paki. That was one thing you didn’t fucking do, and Vriska did it. 

“Out.” John's voice was barely audible. "Get the fuck out of this house." John yelled, his face completely disgusted. Karkat froze at the tone in John’s voice. He’d never heard John speak like this before. "You think you can come in this home insult everyone in it and still think you're worthy of affection? Leave! I can’t believe you said those things! Get the hell out of this house right now!”

Vriska was shocked. She didn’t expect this from John. A pink flush appeared for the briefest of moments on her pale cheeks. 

“Fine!” She screamed. “Do you think I need you? There are hundreds of innocent little treats that I can pick and choose from.”

“Then it won’t hurt as much when you walk over the goddamned threshold.” He said. Vriska flipped him off and stormed out of the house. The door was slammed so hard that the photos beside the door fell off the wall and their glass shattered on the ground. Quiet filled the room as John felt himself go red and slump to the couch. 

“I’m sorry, you guys.” 

“I told you so.” Karkat said, sitting down next to John. 

“It’s an act, you know.” Terezi said quietly. “She hates herself a lot. She’s conflicted and so she insults people to push them away so only the people that truly love her stay with her. She’ll change eventually. Something will happen to her and she’ll change. But it’s not now. And I’m not compassionate enough to care about her while she’s still in this shitty phase.”

“Me neither.” Karkat said. 

“She called you a paki.” John said. Everyone went quiet and watched John. “I got really, really upset when she said that. More upset than I have in a long time. I’m still upset. I want to punch something.”

“It’s a shitty word. I’ve been called it all my life. I’m used to it.” 

“That doesn’t mean its right!” 

“No, I get mad as fuck every single time. I’m glad you said something or I would’ve lost that fight to Vriska.” Karkat said. There was a bit of a silence when Terezi sipped her beer. She finally spoke. 

“Well that went exactly as expected. Can we eat now?” Dave leaned over and kissed her cheek as he stood up to retrieve the pizza from the kitchen. 

“Karkat…” John murmured as Terezi turned the TV on. “Can we have that conversation that we talked about?” 

Karkat’s brows raised and he nodded. John led Karkat into his room and sat down on his bed. Karkat closed the door behind him. He’d never been inside John’s room. He had only been so far as the living room when he was helping move things in. John’s room was simple and comfortable. It was clean and dark. He had posters of his favorite movies on the walls, most of them shitty. John didn’t turn on the light overhead, but turned on a the standing lamp in the corner of the room. It bathed the whole room in a warm muted light. Karkat pulled the computer chair out and sat on it, facing John. 

“Karkat, I have to admit to you something.” John’s voice was small. He was avoiding Karkat’s gaze. “I… I know that I’m gay. I’ve known for a while. I know that I don’t like girls and that I really like men. I’ve known this.” John pulled his knees up to his chest. “It’s so much easier to hide myself than face the world as a…as being… gay.” John murmured. “Whenever I tried to admit it to myself that I may have a crush on my best friend or that guy over there is really hot… my head was filled with this shrieking. I don’t know why. It’s not like Dad would love me any less. It’s not as though my friends wouldn’t accept me or anything.” John looked up at Karkat for help. “Why do I do this? Karkat, why do I keep telling myself that I’m something I’m not? Why do I keep insisting that I’m straight when I know that I’m not?” 

John fell silent and looked up at Karkat. He was expecting a response. He really wanted Karkat’s help. Karkat panicked a little bit, but he collected himself and closed his eyes. He frowned a bit and looked up at John. 

“Because you don’t want to be loved.” Karkat murmured. He spoke a bit louder. “You’re afraid of loving someone, you’re afraid of getting close to someone. When you publicly come out, you’re admitting to yourself and the whole world that you’re ready to be loved. You didn’t want a relationship with those guys you slept with. You were afraid of what a relationship would mean. You were afraid of getting hurt. And you still are. So you’re content with teasing and emotionless sex, dating girls that interest you but don’t arouse you because you’re afraid.” John was curled up, his face pressed against his knees. Karkat stood from the computer chair and sat down next to him.

“You’ll never be loved if you don’t let other people in. I know it’s hard. Fucking christ, do I know it’s hard. You have to trust people again. You can trust them with your heart, John. The world’s not going to throw it to the ground and stomp on it.”

“What did it do to you, then?” John asked.

Karkat hesitated and closed his eyes. He leaned his head against John’s shoulder. 

“It tested me.” Karkat murmured. “Let me tell you a story about a boy named Karkat Vantas and how much he loved a boy named Sollux Captor….”


	16. Chapter 16

**_October 1998_ **

_Karkat despised being the new kid in class. He had been the new kid in class several times in Pakistan, never really making close friends outside of his own family. He was teased for everything. His height, his accent, his religion. What was a Sikh doing so deep in Pakistan? Go to India with all the other toilet paper heads! Children were cruel. Karkat hated being the new kid in school. They had to move constantly because Pita was constantly dodging the Taliban. If the Taliban popped up miles away from where they were living, Pita moved as far from the place as he could. Karkat, Porrim, Kankri and their Pita finally settled down in the countryside of Punjab, as close to the Indian border as they were allowed. Extended family found them, and they had such a life there for the longest time. Of course, 3 years seemed like a long time to Karkat, who had been moving around his whole life. They were uprooted by small rival militias in the neighborhood. Their house burned to the ground and their life was shattered._

_Pita picked up and moved everyone to America after that. He explained how he was sick of being terrified all the time. Karkat just nodded and followed along. Pita was marrying a widowed woman with five children so they would have a home to go to. Ammaaa, Karkat called her. She was a wonderful lady with bratty children that Karkat was forced to call his siblings. Karkat was a new kid again. But this time he was a new kid in his family._

_Going to American school was a torture. He couldn’t understand anything. Even though he was going to an English class, he didn’t want to be there._

_Of course, until, he met the new new kid._

_He was a wide-eyed boy with short choppy hair. He just moved to Ohio from Korea. He had round, pouty lips. He wrote his name on the chalkboard and bowed to the class. He took a seat next to Karkat, and Karkat chalked up all of his courage to say something to him._

_“Hello. My name is Karkat Vantas.”_

_“Hello. My name is Sollux Captor. It is nice to meet you, Karkat Vantas.” Sollux responded. Karkat chuckled and made a “th” noise with his mouth. Sollux scowled._

_“No, no!” Karkat tried to explain. He pressed his fingers into his cheeks creating dimples, smiling a toothless smile. He tried to say that it was endearing, but he could only chalk it up to the word ‘cute’._

_That was their relationship for the first few months that they knew each other. Charades and silly little jabs at each other. Karkat knew that Sollux was the reason that he learned English so quickly. He wanted to speak with Sollux. He wanted to know more about Sollux. Sollux invited Karkat over to his home to study English, and Karkat was so happy. It was one of the first times that he had been able to make a friend. A legitimate friend._

_“What do you want to be… when you… be older?” Karkat asked after they finished studying._

_“Want to invent a computer.” Sollux responded. “Fastest computer that has ever lived.” Sollux looked off into a distant spot. “You?”_

_“I want to play cello.” Karkat said. “I want to be professional. I want mothers and children to cry at my skill.” Sollux looked at him interested._

_“You will get there.” Sollux said, confident. “You are already very good!” Karkat smiled._

_“Very thank you.” Karkat said._

_“No, it is ‘thank you very much’ KK.” Sollux giggled. “not ‘very thank you’.”_

_Karkat picked up a pillow and hit Sollux over the head with it._

_“Very thank you, Mr. Captor, sir.” He said sticking out his tongue. “I will make English do what I ask.” Sollux grabbed a pillow from his bed and began hitting Karkat, laughing loudly._

_“You are master of English!” Sollux said, hitting back._

_“I am Lord of English!” Karkat said, falling down to the bed and giggling. They both fell to the bed and held hands, unaware that they were doing so. They were bridging the language gap between each other. It felt nice getting close to someone. Sollux Captor was his best friend._

* * *

_**November 15, 2010** _

Karkat came home, his eyes heavy and his shoulders sagging. He hated that fucking coffee shop. He hated that job. He hated both of his jobs. He hated his fucking life. He hated breathing. He just wanted to fall into a coma. That seemed about right. He looked up and caught Sollux’s eyes. Sollux was skin and bones. His eyes were puffy, his cheekbones were prominent and his collarbone peeked through his thin shirt. Karkat felt like he was looking in a mirror.

“Hi honey.” Karkat said weakly. “I’m home.”

“I heard her.” Sollux said gently.

“Heard who?” Karkat began to undress, putting his bag down by the door.

“Terezi.” Sollux said. “She thinks I’m worthless. She thinks I’m a piece of shit. You feel like you’re tethered to me. You’re stuck to me.” Sollux was a level of calm that made Karkat uncomfortable.

“That’s not how I feel at all, Sollux.” Karkat walked toward Sollux, trying to hold him, but Sollux just backed away, hugging himself.

“I can see it in your eyes. I can hear the lie in your words. You hate me. Everyone hates me.”

“That’s not true.” Karkat said, sincerely worried now. “I love you, Sollux, I do.”

“Shut the fuck UP!” Sollux shrieked. “YOU’RE A LIAR! You don’t love me! How the hell could you love me? I don’t even love me! Why have you been lying to me this whole time? I don’t understand!”

“It’s not a lie, Sollux!” Karkat was getting desperate now. “Why don’t you see what I see?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry that I shit on these past few years of your life. I’m sorry that I met you. You deserved something so much better than this hell that I’ve dragged you into.” Sollux whispered. “I’m going to sleep. Don’t bother me.”

“Sollux please--” Sollux slammed the bedroom door in Karkat’s face. Karkat pounded his fist against the bedroom door. Sollux. Goddammit, Sollux.

* * *

 

Karkat tried to read a book for a few minutes before feeling so anxious. He couldn’t hear anything from their bedroom, and it wasn’t like Sollux to be so quiet so soon. Karkat knocked on the door before entering. The room was lit dimly with candles. It smelled like butterscotch--Karkat remembered buying those candles last week on sale. He usually hated the smell of butterscotch, but now the smell of butterscotch was attributed to light and warmth so it wasn’t as bad of a smell anymore . Sollux was slumped over, lying down on the bed. He was covered by the comforter and was very still.

“Sollux?” Karkat murmured. “Sollux, please talk to me.” Karkat pulled his shoulder and Sollux’s body moved limply to lie flat on the bed. Karkat felt as though his entire nervous system was shocked with electricity. Sollux was pale, and blood gushed from two crooked wounds on his wrists. His eyes still held a bit of life as he smiled at Karkat. Karkat couldn’t even scream. His throat stopped working. He was completely numb, but he felt himself react. He ripped off his shirt and tied it around one of Sollux’s wrists. He ran to the closet and got another shirt to tie around his other gushing wrist. Blood was dripping from the side of the bed. It stained the sheets and pooled on the floor. Karkat sat on top of Sollux and pressed on Sollux’s wrists as tightly as he could, as his hands shook uncontrollably. He pulled out his cellphone and dialed 911. He was really glad that he had decided to keep a cellphone for work reasons.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My boyfriend just slit his wrists. 400 North Market. Apartment 504.” Karkat said calmly. He didn’t even recognize that his lips were moving until after they did. He was separate from himself, away from this moment, in a different plane of existence. He couldn’t be here-- this couldn’t be happening. This is wrong, why would this even happen? Karkat was retreating into himself, but he held onto Sollux’s wrists tightly.

“Hello? Are you still there?” The calm voice of the woman on the other end asked.

“I’m…” Karkat breathed.

“An ambulance is on its way. Would you like me to stay on the phone with you?”

“Please.” Karkat whispered. He knew that once reality hit him, it would hit him like a steel hammer. He felt it coming. He could feel Sollux’s blood, his life seeping through his fingers. Oh god. He could feel reality coming back to him. “Oh god.” Karkat said a bit louder. He let out a few dry sobs, his breath catching in his chest. “Oh my fucking god!” Karkat started screaming, caught between a sob and a cry.

“Sir? Sir!” The voice on the other end connected right to his soul. “Please, please listen to me.”

“He’s been sick, he’s been sick for years-- I knew that this would happen, I knew it in the back of my mind-- why… why couldn’t I do anything to stop it?” Karkat was screaming. Their neighbors banged on the wall for him to stop.

“FUCK YOU.” Karkat shrieked, tightening his grip on Sollux’s wrists. “HE COULD DIE AT ANY SECOND YOU EMOTIONLESS FUCKS. DID YOU EVER EVEN TAKE THE TIME TO FUCKING KNOW US?” Karkat was shaking with adrenaline and hyperventilating with panic.

“Help me!” Karkat begged the operator. “Help me!! I don’t know what to do!” Sollux had nearly passed out beneath him and Karkat kneed him in the crotch to wake him up. Sollux couldn’t go to sleep. He knew that. Don’t go to sleep, Sollux. Goddammit, Sollux, what did you do.

“I’m here.” the voice said softly. She really seemed to care. “I’m here with you, okay? What’s your name?”

“Karkat.” Karkat responded.

“Hello, Karkat. My name is Aranea.” She said. “It’s my first day here. You’re my first call. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do another one of these.”

“Aranea, I’m scared.” Karkat sobbed. “I’m scared I don’t want him to die. I’ve done so much, I’ve done so much for him.”

“I know. I understand.” She said. “He will be alright. The ambulance is coming for you. Things will work out, Karkat.”

“How do you know?” Karkat begged. “What if he--” Karkat couldn’t even finish the thought.

“Don’t think about that now, alright? He’s still alive right now, right?” Aranea asked. Karkat looked down at the pale, gently sobbing Sollux, his head flopping back and forth, his eyes rolling to the back of his head. He was whispering in Korean.

“Yeah. I don’t think he’s really mentally here though.” Karkat whispered. “I don’t think he’s been mentally here for about a year.”

“You’re here. I’m here. He is still here right now.” Karkat heard sirens and started to panic again.

“Oh god, oh god they’re here. They’re here, Aranea, the ambulance is here!” Karkat hyperventilated. “I don’t have the money to pay for these medical bills-- we’re not insured--”

“Shh, don’t worry about that now.” Aranea said. “Let them help him. Have him live.”

“I’m drowning.” Karkat sobbed. He heard the door slam open and he screamed. “In here!! He’s in here!” Men rushed into the room and pulled Karkat off gently, giving him a blanket thoughtlessly as they quickly tended to Sollux’s wounds. Karkat’s hands were still covered in blood as he backed up against the wall.

“They won’t let you go in the ambulance with them.” Aranea said. “You’re not family.”

“Their protocols are shit.” Karkat murmured.

“Yes, they are.” She responded. “He’ll be alright, sweetie.” Aranea’s voice was butter, soft and dripping into every nook of Karkat’s mind. “You’re alright. I’m alright. Everything is alright.” Aranea sounded like she was crying a bit. “It takes someone with a stronger soul to do this all night five nights a week.”

“Thank you for being here with me, Aranea.” Karkat whispered.

“I love you, Karkat.” She said. Any sort of composure Karkat had mustered completely broke down at that moment. It had been a long time since he’d heard that from someone. It had been a long time since it had been truly sincere. Karkat fell to the ground and cried, tears pouring down his face. He couldn’t even watch as Sollux was carried out of the room on a stretcher. The blood drying on his hands and his clothes had the most pungent smell. He never wanted to smell this again. Butterscotch and dried blood. It was disgusting. It was horrific.

“I love you too, Aranea.” he replied, finally. He could hear her tears on the other end.

“Do you have someone to call? Do you have someone to stay with?”

“Yes.” Karkat said. “Thank you for everything.” Karkat whispered, clutching onto the bloody cellphone. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Karkat.” Aranea said. “Take care.”

Karkat ended the call. The world suddenly became very cold and distant and lonely. The whole apartment was empty. It contained softly flickering butterscotch candles, a blood-drenched Ikea futon, and a shivering Pakistani boy with his mind in a tornado of emotions. The whole world was empty. It contained nothing but the pain of the years, the scent of dried blood, and unintelligible Korean whispers. Somewhere out there was Sollux. Somewhere out there was Terezi and Vriska. Nowhere out there was Aradia. Nowhere out there was Karkat, because Karkat was right here. Everything was imploding, at the center was Karkat Vantas, the whole empty world that offered no help screaming at him with its emptiness.

Karkat had never been more suicidal in his whole life. Karkat had never felt such a desire to tear into his own flesh. He had never wanted to stop living. Who would care? Who would mourn? Terezi? Sollux wouldn’t, surely. His parents? Where were his parents when this was happening? No one would mourn, least of all this rotten, empty world. The silence was deafening. He would stitch himself up when Sollux hit him so hard that it split his skin. He would cover up bruises with makeup so he could be presentable at work. He would rinse off dried blood with freezing water. He would set fractured fingers. He only now realized how morbid it was that his favorite happy-ending books had bloody fingerprints on them. Only now did it fully hit him that the taste of blood was more familiar to him than the taste of chocolate.

Karkat’s life had been a series of failures set up one after the other. This was the crowning jewel. Here he was in an empty, cold, candle-lit room. There was no coming back from this. How could there be? He was at the end of his time. He wanted to die. Instead, he picked up his phone and he dialed a familiar number.

“Hello?” a grumble from the other end. “Who is this?”

“Terezi, it’s me.” Karkat’s voice was deadpan. “I need to come over.”

* * *

_When Karkat was 5 years old, his Pita had commanded that he pick up an instrument. It was how things were done. Porrim played the flute. Kankri was still too young to choose an instrument. When he did, though, he had picked the piano. Karkat, however, picked the cello. It was an odd choice for such a young boy, but he took to it like a fish to water. He held the child’s cello in his hands and refused to get frustrated when it didn’t sound how he wanted it. He studied cello without sleep. By the time he was six, he was able to hold a tune without wavering. Porrim had only done the base amount of work for the flute, she never really loved the instrument as Karkat had loved the cello._

_When they moved to America, Karkat was able to see an instructor every single day. It made him so happy to advance. His instructor was shocked at his skill and dedication to the instrument. Karkat practiced in the backyard till the early hours of the morning, until Pita would come in and tell him to get rest. He didn’t join the school orchestra, however. He felt that the pieces were too easy and it took time away from advancing his learning of the instrument. He had never owned a cello, though. They came and went like lovers. He had to rent them because to own and care for a cello was money that his father didn’t have. It had always been one of Karkat’s dreams to own a cello. Whenever he learned a new piece, he would play for his family. Everyone would sit in the parlor and listen as Karkat performed three new songs for them. Sollux and Terezi would sit and listen as well. His step brothers and sisters gained this newfound respect for him. He was an artist, and he shared his art with his family. Karkat felt like a whole person with the cello beneath his fingers._


	17. Chapter 17

Karkat didn’t really know where he and John stood in the scope of relationships. After the night Vriska came and went, John kissed Karkat. It was a soft kiss that was more of a ‘thank you’ than a declaration. He and John fell asleep together in his bed, John pressing his face into Karkat’s chest. Karkat didn’t know what this meant, and he didn’t want to pressure John for an answer either. He was alright with this. This type of friendship. He was able to reach John with his words. He wanted to take care of John, but he was so tired of taking care of people. If this relationship was going to be all about Karkat taking care of John, Karkat didn’t know if he wanted to be a part of that relationship. He couldn’t do that again.

They hadn’t really talked much after waking up. Karkat told John softly that he had to go to work, and John nuzzled Karkat, smiling. It was precious. John was healthy and safe and he knew himself. He was just afraid of being loved. It would take time and patience, but Karkat had an abundance of both. 

* * *

“Welcome to Café All Day, how may I help you?” Karkat asked in a deadpanned voice. 

“I w-would like a nonfat soy latte, thank you wery much.” Shit. Karkat knew that stupid accent. When he looked up, he saw the smug glare of Eridan Ampora. Karkat clenched his jaw. Eridan wore an expression of mock surprise. 

“Oh! If it isn’t Karkat Vantas! Fancy seein' you here.” 

“I work here, you dick.” Karkat rang up Eridan’s drink. The café was buzzing with low activity, amateur writers constantly writing up a novel they’ve been working on for five years, college students studying quietly in the corner, high school girls skipping out of class to gossip over frilly coffees. Another employee mixed Eridan’s drink behind Karkat and Karkat leaned against the counter.

“I heard from Vrisk that you were influencin’ her boyfriend.” Eridan said. “That’s not very nice, Kar.”

“Don’t call me ‘Kar’. It’s two fucking syllables, I think you can manage.” Karkat said. 

“All I’m sayin is that you should probably be careful. Johnny’s a sweet boy now, but what’s he gonna be like when you’re through with him?” Eridan snorted. “Is he gonna have a shitload of hospital bills and a severe mental illness also?” 

Karkat felt sick. Eridan was pushing him, and he wouldn’t let Eridan win. He would keep going until Karkat snapped, but he wouldn’t let him. The drink came and Eridan paid Karkat with gentle fingers. 

“Thanks for the drink, sweetie.” Eridan simpered. “Have they promoted you yet? I mean, haven’t you been working here for five years or somethin?” 

“Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.” Karkat’s voice was strained.

Eridan shrugged. 

“Sollux was right. You really don’t fight for yourself, do you?” Eridan began to walk away but that was it. Karkat felt his anger boil over. 

“I don’t fight for myself? I don’t fucking fight for myself? Maybe I fucking don't because I’m too busy fighting for sons of bitches who don’t appreciate all of the work I’ve put into them! Maybe I don’t know how to fight for myself because I put in so much effort in fighting for other people!”

Eridan grinned. He’d gotten the rise he wanted out of Karkat. 

“Well we see how well that worked out, didn’t we? Maybe you’re a gutless nobody who likes to be the white knight for people when he’s really just a scrawny fuckin peasant.” 

“Maybe you have a high horse of money. Maybe that’s what he’s attracted to. Maybe you have the ability to pay off his medical bills, but you are a piece of shit covered in gold leaf, you son of a bitch.”

“At least I’m able to provide for those I love.” Eridan sniffed. “Every time you try, your muse winds up in more capable arms.”

Karkat was done with talking. He flung himself over the counter and punched Eridan in the jaw. All he felt was blinding rage. He was only quelled by the solid thud of Eridan’s cheek beneath his fist. It doesn’t matter what was said about Karkat-- he may be small, but he can fight. Eridan tried to push Karkat off, but Karkat had his arms pinned down by his knees. Eridan broke free and punched Karkat in the gut, blowing the wind out of Karkat for a few moments as Karkat blindly swung punches at Eridan, connecting right with his eye. The people of the café had pulled Eridan and Karkat apart, his manager coming around, angry. 

“Fired! You’re fired!” He screamed at Karkat. He pointed at Eridan. “And you! Get the hell out of my shop!” 

“I came what I needed to do anyway.” Eridan said, kicking the coffee across the floor. “It’s not like I was here for your nasty fuckin sludge anyway.” He strutted out of the café as best he could, bruised and bleeding slightly from the nose. Karkat ripped off his employee shirt and threw it to the ground, grabbed his jacket and left the store. Who the hell needed that job anyway. It wasn’t getting him anywhere. He crammed his hands in his pockets. Fuck that shitty job anyway. Fuck Eridan Ampora. Karkat’s eyes welled up. Fuck everything. 


	18. Chapter 18

“So you haven’t seen him since then?” John whispered into his pillow. Karkat and John were lying in John’s bedroom as Karkat told John his story. It just started spilling out of him one day and Karkat would stop at moments or fall asleep. They’d been having this conversation for about a week now. It helped Karkat a lot. There were a lot of things that he couldn’t tell Terezi that he was able to tell John. Terezi didn’t know about the abuse. John did. Terezi didn’t know about the desperation. John did. Terezi didn’t know very much about Karkat’s relationship with Sollux, not the gritty details that made John’s hairs stand on end. She didn’t know any of that, because he knew that Terezi would cry and make a big deal out of it. John just looked at Karkat through his rectangular spectacles with admiration. 

“You did so much for him…” John would whisper in awe. “Karkat, you have to be the strongest person I’ve ever met…” And it was nice hearing that from someone. It was nice that John admired him for the person he was today instead of scolding him for the stupid decisions that he made back then. He probably should’ve told someone. He probably should’ve called Sollux’s father and gotten him help sooner. But he didn’t. And life went on anyway. The current topic of conversation had switched over from the past to the present, as Karkat just finished telling John why he was home early from work and bleeding slightly.

“I can’t believe you lost your job.”

“I’m just glad that Ampora isn’t suing me. That would be the whipped cream on top of the cheesecake that is this fucking mess.” 

John frowned. 

“Whipped cream and cheesecake? That sounds really tasty, actually…”

“I’m lactose intolerant.” Karkat snorted. “It sounds like a load of shit to me.” John’s face curled up into a smile and tackled Karkat to lie back down onto the bed with a hug.

“You’re crushing me, Egbert! Oh, I can’t breathe!” Karkat said dramatically. John sat on Karkat’s stomach and had his arms pinned down to either side of him. John giggled. 

“I’m allergic to nuts.”

“I’ll make sure to remember that if I’m feeling creative with your homicide.” Karkat grinned up at John who laughed out loud and fell down next to Karkat. Karkat got up immediately and began tickling John who wriggled and laughed loudly. 

“Stop!! Karkaaaaaaaaaaat!!” he was squealing, kicking Karkat away from him. Karkat sat on John’s stomach, pinning his arms to each side of his head and hung over him. They were both breathless and smiling at each other happily. John stuck his tongue out. 

“You stick that thing out one more time, I’m going to bite it the fuck off.” Karkat growled. John smirked and stuck out his tongue quickly. Karkat dove down and snapped his teeth together, making John squeal. John kept sticking his flashing his tongue out of his mouth, drawing Karkat closer and closer with his failed attempts to snap John’s tongue with his teeth. He got closer and closer before John just swept him up in a kiss. Karkat was light-headed with elation at the sweetness and depth of the kiss. Karkat could feel John smiling in the kiss, wrapping his arms around Karkat’s neck and shoulders as Karkat held himself up by his elbows. God, John tasted just as sweet as he laughed.

The past few weeks that Karkat had relayed the whole story of Sollux had been very somber, but somehow Karkat and John managed to make it lighthearted and sweet. It was like sitting in a boat looking down at the endless darkness of the ocean, but being safe from drowning in it. This kiss was one of the first, but it felt so natural. It felt as though they’d been doing this for years. Karkat backed up and rested his forehead against John’s. Karkat’s long hair was a curtain that blocked out the rest of the world.

“Your hair’s getting long…” John said, twirling Karkat’s black hair in his fingers. It had planted firmly on Karkat's shoulders now.

“My Pita would be happy.” Karkat said, rolling over to his back next to John. “A good Sikh should never cut his hair." He said with a heavy accent. "The Kesh is a gift from Waheguru.” 

“Is that why you wear turbans?” John sat up on one elbow. 

“Yeah.” Karkat said. He turned over to lie on his stomach. John draped himself over Karkat’s back. Karkat gave a gentle ‘oof’ and sighed. 

“I’m not that heavy.” John said. “Stop complaining.”

“Complaining is my main character trait.” Karkat said. “How could I give that one up?” 

“Complaining is one of your many character traits.” John said, twirling Karkat’s hair. “You’re brave and stubborn. You’re compassionate with your whole soul, so you have to be defensive because you have such a love to protect. And you’re also generous. And sweet.”

“Calm down there, Egbert, or I’ll think you’re hitting on me.” Karkat said. 

John buried his face between Karkat’s shoulder blades and chuckled. He said softly, “I am.”

Karkat hesitated and sat up slowly, John sitting up as well. He was avoiding Karkat’s eyes and had a shy smile on his reddening face. 

“Well… where do we go from here?” Karkat asked. John’s face fell slightly. He loved avoiding serious questions when it came to him. 

“I don’t… I don’t know. I’m sorry-- I’m sorry that I kissed you--”

“Don’t be sorry, you’re great at it. You should probably share that with someone, right?” Karkat nudged John. John looked up at Karkat through the plastic lenses. He smiled, his teeth sticking out just a little bit over his bottom lip. Karkat felt his heart jump in a way that he hadn’t felt it move in years. It was an ancient, dusty movement. It was tentative, afraid of the pain that had often been attributed to such attraction. But the pain didn’t come. Karkat felt only the soft warm glow of John’s innocent smile. Karkat jumped John and pressed him down to the bed, rubbing the pads of his fingers into John’s stomach. John let loose tiny giggles and kissed Karkat’s forehead. 

“Labeling things is stupid anyway. Do whatever makes you happy, and don’t fucking worry about what to call it, that’s my motto.” Karkat said. John brought Karkat’s face up for a kiss. 

“How can that be a motto if that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say it?” John chuckled. 

“Fuck you, that’s how.” Karkat kneed John gently in the side. John laughed and rolled over Karkat to take him for his own.

* * *

“I notice that you have been getting quite friendly with one Mister John Egbert.” Terezi said over breakfast one day in their apartment. Dave was there wearing his fuzzy pink bathrobe, looting through their refrigerator. More often than not, where ever Terezi was, Dave was not far behind. 

“We’ve just been talking.” Karkat said. 

“Oh come on. Don’t pretend that I couldn’t hear you two giggling like school girls and smooching your pouty little mouths off.” 

“It started off as talking.” Karkat shrugged. “I’m not going to lie to you. We’ve kissed a few times, but it’s not a relationship. I don’t know if he’s ready for that yet. I’m not going to push him.”

“That doesn’t bother you at all?” Dave said, taking a sip of apple juice straight from the jug.

“Not really. I’ve been there before with guys.” Karkat stirred his mushy cereal. “But never really guys like John. I’m so afraid of losing him.”

“Okay.” Dave said, sitting down at the table. It was one of the rare times when he wasn’t wearing his shades or his contacts. He hadn’t penciled in his eyebrows either. He looked delicate and pink, his blue eyes so pale that they may have faded into the whites of his eyes. “Let’s skip over all of this mushy bullshit, okay?” 

“Damn, what’s your hurry?” Karkat asked. 

“Terezi doesn’t want me to say it, but you really need to get a job.” Dave said. Terezi pursed her lips and hit Dave. Karkat’s shoulders sank. The past week had been the most stress-free week of Karkat’s life. He and John had met up every day after his classes and gotten a little thing to eat, Karkat often making him food because he didn’t want John to spend so much money on eating out-- even if it wasn’t his money. They sometimes fell asleep in Karkat’s or John’s bed after a night of talking. John would often wake up just in time to make it to his next class. Karkat would clean up around the house, taking the clothes to the Laundromat, folding them, and putting them away. He was enjoying the housewife role. It was like taking a breath. Karkat sighed. 

“I know.” Karkat said. “Do you know how hard it’s going to be to find a job after being fired for fighting a customer?” Karkat groaned. “God I am not looking forward to interviews. ‘Why did you leave your last job?’ Well you see, sir. I punched this douche bag in the face. He impugned my honor, sir, I was provoked.” 

“Yeah. It would be really fuckin great if someone just swooped in and gave you a job.”

“I would kill for that.” Karkat said. 

“What would you do for that?” Dave leaned forward, raising a transparent eyebrow and smiling. It was so odd to see Dave’s eyes. Karkat felt like he was being stared down. 

“What are you getting at, Strider?” 

“Well, I just so happen to own a fucking night club.” Dave said. “Do you know just how many grunt jobs there are for a night club?” 

“A lot?” Karkat guessed. 

“Basically. As you may know, by day it’s a trendy restaurant.” Dave said. “So every night it needs to turn into a trendy night club. That takes a few hours and a few people. I’ll give you the pick of the litter.” Dave raised four fingers. “One: work at the night club as a stagehand. Two: Work at the restaurant as a waiter. Three: Work in between as the shifter or Four: become my personal assistant and slave.” 

“Ooh, I really like that last one.” Terezi snickered. Karkat rolled his eyes. 

“I can’t believe you still want your boyfriend and your best friend to fuck.” Karkat grumbled. 

“It would be a fun experience.”

“Okay, okay….” Dave said, his hands up to hush them both. “Make your choice, and I’ll hire you on.” 

“Can I be a waiter towards the end and also be a switcher?” Karkat asked.

Dave raised his eyebrow and shrugged. “Sure. I’m hiring you for two jobs. Two separate pays.” 

“Yeah, that’s good. I don’t care.” Karkat said. “You’re not shitting me, are you?”

“Of course I’m not. That would be a horrible thing to lie to you about.” Dave said. “You start in two weeks, got it?” 

Karkat grinned. “Yes. Oh god, yes. Yes this is good. Thanks, Strider.”

Dave waved his hand. “No problem. That’s me, being the best guy you’ve ever known.”

“Yes.” Karkat snorted, standing up and dumping his plates into the sink. 

“Now go call your boy toy about it.” Dave waved Karkat away. Karkat snorted and flipped Dave off. Dave returned the sentiment twofold as Karkat walked away. 

Karkat really liked being an at-home mom, but the security of the job that Dave offered him was really comforting. Karkat shut the door to his bedroom, smiling genuinely for the first time while thinking about his future. Maybe things would turn out after all.


	19. Chapter 19

_**January 2011** _

Being rejected by someone you love more than life itself is the worst, most heartbreaking feeling one could endure. Karkat would spend hours just staring at the telephone, willing it to ring. He had vowed never to go back to Hollymore and beg for Sollux to take him back. He couldn't stoop that low. No matter how much he desired to grovel at Sollux's feet and beg for forgiveness from wrongdoings he was unaware of... he didn't. Sometimes he hoped that Sollux would walk into Cafe All Day and pull him from behind the counter, healthy and happy, and he would dip Karkat and kiss him like he used to. Karkat tried in vain to avoid these fantasies, because he knew that they would never come to pass. 

Instead, Karkat went to work, came home, ate whatever Terezi forced into him, and slept until his next shift. The first full-night's sleep should've felt amazing, but all it did was make Karkat more aware of himself. It made Karkat wake up silently at 7 am and stare at the dust sparkling in the sunrise. It made Sollux's absence a solid entity. Karkat had to get rid of his cellphone. He couldn't keep staring at it like Sollux was hiding between the buttons.

"Karkat, you can't keep living like this." Terezi walked into Karkat's room one day. It had been six months since Sollux had gone. "It's not healthy. It's not good." 

"I don't know how to live." Karkat admitted quietly. Terezi placed a consoling hand on Karkat's shoulder. She laid down with him as Karkat began to shake. "He... he was my reason. He was my life."

"You're not thinking of anything drastic, are you, Karkat?" Terezi whispered fearfully. "I'm so afraid whenever I'm not with you." 

"I have been thinking about it." Karkat whispered. "But I don't think I'd be able to, when it comes down to it."

"Goddammit, Karkat." Terezi cussed at him, frowning through her tears.

"I'm sorry." Karkat apologized. "I'm so sorry, Terezi." 

"Why is this happening?" Terezi demanded. "You've done nothing to deserve this abandonment. Nothing." Terezi pressed her face in to Karkat's back and cried. "You're beautiful, Karkat. You're wonderful. You're splendid and funny-- you will get through this, I know it. I promise."

"I don't think I can, Terezi." Karkat whispered. 

"Don't be like that, Kitkat. Please don't."

"I'm sorry." 

And that was that. Karkat would lay in bed and go to work. He mourned Sollux as though he had died that day. He spent too much of his life devoted to Sollux. Sollux. Sollux Captor. The name rang in his head like a metronome in his daily life. With every beat, Karkat felt a stab to his heart. It was a constant battle with himself. 

Months passed. Memories dulled. Nothing changed for Karkat, though everything was looking up for Terezi. Her boyfriend informed her that he was moving to their city because he had a job offer in the area that was amazing. He'd own his own night club. Terezi had been so happy that Karkat couldn't help but to smile for her. It was the first time in months--nearly a year, in fact-- that Karkat had smiled genuinely. It had been nearly a year since Sollux's disappearance into the world when he met Dave Strider. 

Karkat's first impression of Dave was that he may have been the strangest person that Karkat had ever met. The first time Karkat ever saw him, he was holding a parasol to shade him from the sunny day and wearing a t-shirt with the words "frick this" in big, simple letters. His hoodie looked like it belonged on a Japanese girl-- it had bear ears and screened panda eyes. It was red with white and black accents. It was frankly adorable, but it was odd coupled with the parasol, the casual jeans, the sunglasses, the 'frick this' t shirt, and the pale boy inside all of them. 

"Sup." he said. Terezi dropped her cane and jumped him, hugging him tightly. Dave smiled with his teeth as he buried his face in her neck. "It's good seeing you, Terezi."

"I wish I could say the same about you." Terezi said, grinning wildly. Dave chuckled. "Dave, this is Karkat. Karkat, this is Dave."

Karkat waved a little bit. "Hey."

"Hey." Dave said. "Terezi's told me a lot about you." Dave smirked. Karkat grimaced. 

"Has she?" 

"She said you're a grump with no sense of humor." Dave twirled his parasol. 

"I do so have a sense of humor!" He directed at Terezi, indignant. Terezi shrugged. She slid her foot around on the floor until it found her cane, and she picked it up. 

"Come on, loser boys. Let's go get something to eat, or check out Dave's apartment, or go anywhere besides this stupid smelly airport." Terezi said, clasping Dave's hand. 

Karkat didn't know what it was about Dave Strider, but he helped Karkat out of his self-depreciating slump. Maybe because he was a new face. Maybe because he made Terezi so happy. Dave Strider didn't treat him like he was broken, and it was a little hard at first because Dave said things that sometimes stung at first. Eventually Karkat hardened himself against Dave's well-meaning attacks and was even able to spit some back. It helped. Karkat would never in a million years admit to Dave how much he helped him. Besides, how was he supposed to thank Dave? "Thank you for treating me like a friend even though I only just met you"? It was odd, but it saved Karkat's life. 

Sometimes Dave and Terezi left Karkat in his apartment by himself as Terezi went out on dates with Strider, or just hung at Dave's condo. They both did a lot to try to include him, but in the end, it was their monogamous relationship. Karkat sometimes thought about Sollux when they were gone. It hurt considerably less now that years had passed. The shock of desertion had worn off. Karkat had come to the conclusion that he did not deserve how he was treated. He was worth more than the way he was treated by Sollux. It took Karkat years to convince himself that he was worth more than Sollux's opinion of him. Sometimes he didn't believe it, but repetition was the key. Life wasn't looking up for him much, but it certainly wasn't looking down as far as it was two years ago. 

Besides, Dave mentioned that he was getting a roommate soon, and he thought that Karkat might like really him.

**_January 2011-September 2012_ **


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat is playing a song on the cello at the beginning of this chapter and I just thought you should be able to hear it!
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sn-Co6FYoo 
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting everyone!

Karkat was good at working. He admitted that if he had at least one talent, it was that he was able to do almost any commercial job with very little difficulty. Being a waiter was easy, even if the people who came in often talked down to him. The combination of him having such a menial job and the shade of his skin made him an easy target for ignorant old people. Karkat had become so used to it that it barely affected him anymore. Stripping down the restaurant to a nightclub was fun because Karkat always discovered more rooms. They were filled with dusty magazine collections or boxes of overly scratched records. There was something new in every unopened room.

Karkat had been working there for a week when he found the room that she was in. She lay dusty in a corner, her wood was worn out in places. Her bow was stripped of its hair, in desperate need of the nearly dried out resin that sat next to it. Karkat’s heart leapt to his mouth.

“Oh my goodness,” Karkat whispered, stepping towards the abandoned instrument and closing the creaking door behind him. “Hello darling.” He sat down on the dusty stool, taking the cello in his hands. God. Four years? It had been four years since he cradled his instrument like this. He pressed the cool strings to his cheek. “Hey girl. My name’s Karkat. What’s yours?” He whispered this in Punjabi.

The cello creaked and sighed under his fingers. He tuned the strings by ear, he knew the key by heart. He slid his fingers up and down the taught strings, feeling the notes that she had sung before. He felt her past. Someone had loved this cello deeply. Someone had put their soul into the once-smooth curves of the beautiful instrument.

“Don’t worry.” Karkat spoke only punjabi into the neck of the cello. “You’re in safe hands.”

Karkat pulled the bow gently across her aged strings. She sounded magnificent. His hands glided effortlessly over the strings, delicately coaxing the melancholy melody from the cello. A cello arrangement of Nessun Dorma. Karkat once heard the song on a CD player in the music store that he bought his sheet music from. He had stopped and listened intently until the opera singer had completed the entire song. Karkat was moved to tears. The man behind the counter explained to him that the man singing was known as Pavarotti, and he was the greatest Opera singer to ever live. The song was known as Nessun Dorma. It stuck with him so much that Karkat found himself arranging the song on the cello so he could listen to it always. He created a way for the song to cry with him. The music came straight from his heart. It had none of the ferocity and the power of an opera singer’s voice, and Karkat never tried for it to sound demanding. It was hard for a solo cello to sound demanding and serious. That’s why he made the song whisper.

Karkat frowned and swayed with the bow. The empty room filled with his song. Karkat could never love something the way he loved the cello. Karkat could never cry so openly as he could with the violoncello between his legs and underneath his fingers. His very soul was the music. Everything that was inside him had a song. Everything outside him had a song. The world was comprised of melodies and notes. Rests and thirds.

He wasn’t Karkat anymore. He was the combination of this classic instrument and a beautiful Italian Opera. He felt shaking tears fall onto the old cello as he pulled out the last long note. These tears…these tears of passion warmed him to the core. There was nothing on this earth that was able to reach him like a cello. It was like learning another language. Karkat whispered to the Cello and the Cello sang out his heart. There was nothing more intimate than Karkat’s conversation with a cello.

* * *

Off time during the weekend was such a rare event that Karkat cherished every second that he had. John and Dave had come over to his and Terezi’s apartment to watch a movie or have a cup of tea or something social. John was lying in Karkat’s arms as Dave had a head on Terezi’s lap. They were talking about nothing when a gentle knock sounded from the front door. Dave jumped up to go get it as John nuzzled Karkat’s neck. Terezi’s face fell like cheese from a pizza. Her expression completely changed. She sat rigidly in the soft sofa, and Karkat frowned. Something was wrong. Her eyes closed in resignation as footsteps drew closer to the living room.

“Brace yourself, Kitkat.” she murmured. Karkat frowned and looked up.

Karkat’s whole being screamed. Every cell in his body reacted when Dave returned to the room with the guest. John noticed Karkat’s disposition and sat up.

“Karkat?” He asked. “Karkat, what’s wrong?” He looked over at the new person as Karkat stood up slowly.

“Hey, KK.” the voice was a whisper. It was Sollux. He looked guilty and cold. John froze when he added the two up. Sollux had leapt from Karkat’s horrific stories into reality, and he stood not 10 feet away from Karkat.

“What do you want.” Karkat’s voice was dangerously quiet. No expletives. Karkat was serious when he wasn’t cussing.

“I was sort of…. Hoping to catch you alone.” God, he still had that lisp. “Can I talk to you?”

“About what?” Terezi was suddenly on her feet, face furious. “What could you possibly say now? After all this time?” Sollux was obviously shocked at Terezi’s actions and he backed away slightly.

“Eridan said that he ran into KK at Generic Coffee Shop. He came home with this black eye.” Sollux said. John noticed Karkat’s reaction to Sollux’s nickname for him. “He told me that he’s been harassing you. And I came here to apologize.” Sollux and his soft Zs and Ss.

“Don’t fight that douchebag’s battles for him. If he was truly sorry, he’d tell me himself.”

“I’m not here to apologize for him.” Sollux said quietly. Karkat fell silent. “Please, please can I talk to you alone?” Sollux begged, turning his dual eyes towards Karkat. Karkat felt like he was being stabbed. “Ten minutes. That’s it. Please, let me talk to you.”

Karkat couldn’t respond. He looked around the room at their reactions. Dave was leaning against the wall behind Sollux with his head turned away. Terezi’s hands were clenched into fists, but she had sat back down on the sofa, her back towards Sollux. He finally looked at John whose eyes were so wide and helpful. He pursed his lips and nudged Karkat. Karkat closed his eyes. Maybe a sense of closure would find him. Of course, that required luck, and if there was one thing that Karkat Vantas was short on, it was luck.

“Fine.” He replied. “Ten minutes.”

* * *

Sollux closed Karkat’s bedroom door behind him as Karkat took his place on the bed. He pressed his back up against the wall and tucked his knees into his chest.

“Alright.” Karkat said. “What do you want?”

“I’m sorry.” Sollux burst out. His entire face was wracked with pain that Karkat knew. “I’m really sorry, KK. I’m sorry that I failed you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you wanted, and I’m sorry… so sorry that you were there that night. I’m sorry that I did that and you had to take care of me. I’m sorry for…” Sollux closed his eyes and unclenched his fists. “I’m sorry that I put my life in your hands. It’s a heavy thing to hold. I’m sorry that I attempted suicide that night.”

The night. That night.

“I still have nightmares.” Karkat admitted. “I dream that I continued reading my book instead of checking on you, and the room fills to the brim with your blood. I dream that I’m holding your wrists waiting for an ambulance that never arrives. I can’t tell you how many times you’ve died in my arms at night.” Karkat’s voice was shaking a bit. “I still worry for you, Sollux. It makes me sick to the core, this worry that I feel.”

“You had to deal with me off-meds.” Sollux said “No one should have to.”

“We might not have had to if you had gotten a job.” Karkat bit. “It’s not entirely my fault that things went the way they did.” Karkat sounded so unsure, like he was trying to convince himself. "It's not my fault. It wasn't my fault."

Sollux shook his head.

“No. It’s not.” Sollux said. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, Karkat.”

Karkat laughed softly. “You know, I don’t know how much of a liar you are. When you were fucking hitting the shit out of me, when you were _smashing my face in with your fucking fists,_ do you know what you said once?”

Sollux’s tears were spilling freely down his face.

“Please, please don’t…”

“You said, ‘I wish it was you in that car.’” Karkat’s breath caught. This was a truth he had kept from himself, he kept it from Terezi. The denial had taken place of the horrible phrase. “You screamed it. You wanted Aradia back. That’s what it had been about. It was always about Aradia. And now it’s about Eridan.” Karkat tried his hardest to stifle his tears because goddammit, he needed to say this.

"I didn't mean it like that, Karkat, I wasn't myself." Sollux cried, covering his face with his hands. "I loved you. I loved you with my whole soul--"

"THEN WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?" Karkat found himself on his feet, Sollux reduced to nothing but a salty blur. "WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN I CAME TO VISIT? WHY, IN THE FUCKING HELL, WAS I COMPLETELY SHUT OUT OF YOUR LIFE?" Karkat felt his face reddening. "WHY? WHY?? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! I HELD YOUR WRISTS, SOLLUX, I HELD THEM AS THEY GUSHED YOUR BLOOD. YOU WERE DYING LITERALLY IN MY ARMS AND THAT WAS THE LAST IMAGE I EVER HAD OF YOU." Karkat was in a complete rage. "NOTHING! NOT ONE. SINGLE. FUCKING. THING." He closed his eyes and bit his lip to keep from screaming some more. "Do you know.... Do you know how I heard you got out of Hollymore?" Karkat asked, pausing to let Sollux feel the sting of the silence. "Tavros." He said softly. "Tavros fucking Nitram mentioned in passing that you had been out for nearly a month." Karkat's tiny laugh held no humor. "That killed me, Sollux. That fucking murdered me."

Sollux was crying. He whispered, "KK--"

" _DON'T YOU FUCKING 'KK' ME YOU ASSHOLE!_ WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?" Karkat advanced upon Sollux, trying his guide the words from his mind through his mouth. "I ENDURED--ABUSE, YOU MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABUSED ME FOR NEARLY A YEAR, YOU WOULD CRITICIZE HOW COLD THE APARTMENT WAS AND THEN DISSOLVE INTO A MANIC RAGE." Karkat paced the room. "Is that a black eye, Karkat? Why is your arm in a sling, Karkat? How many times have you stitched yourself up in the bathroom, Karkat? No! No don't worry, I'm doing this all for the absolute love of my life! It'll mean something in the end! He'll get better, and when he does, he'll love me!" Karkat kicked the chair violently across the room. "NO. NO FUCK THAT. I WASN'T AS IMPORTANT AS ARADIA AND I'M NOT AS IMPORTANT AS ERIDAN GODDAMNED AMPORA. I MAY AS WELL NEVER HAVE MET YOU!" Karkat was sobbing. He couldn't stop it now. His emotions spilled out onto the floor and dried, crackling at his feet. "Tell me why. Tell me why I didn't mean anything to you." Karkat whispered. Sollux had been reduced to the floor, his hands over his head. He looked like a child that had been upset. He was silent for a while, his sobs cutting off his words.

"You meant everything to me, Karkat." Sollux whispered. "Everything. I wish you'd been in the car instead of Aradia because it would make it so easy to kill myself. There would be no question. If you had died in the car, I would've died so much easier. The reason I hadn't tried to kill myself earlier was because I saw how hard you tried for me. I stayed alive for you. Even though every day, _every hour_ I continued on tortured me, I...I loved you too much to hurt you like that." Sollux's voice was destroyed, the pain enveloped him.

"But you were too good for me, KK." Sollux said. "You loved me too much. I knew that I needed to get over you. I knew that I could never get better if we were together." Sollux said. "I put my faith in you instead of in myself, where it should've been."

"Not even a goodbye?" Karkat begged, sitting on his knees next to Sollux. "Not even 'It's not you, it's me' bullshit?"

"No." Sollux said. "I tried to, KK. I tried. I picked up the phone and dialed Terezi's number so many times, but I couldn't get myself to do it. In Hollymore, I panicked whenever I heard your name, thinking you would judge and berate me, even though common sense told me that you wouldn't. After I got out I knew that this would happen. I knew that you would throw my mistakes back at me. I knew it was what I deserved, but I wasn't ready. I just... couldn't."

"Couldn't." Karkat repeated, deadpanned.

"And then... I met Eridan. I fucking hated him because he treated me like a human and I wasn't used to that. I was used to people stepping around me like a live mine, and he went and stepped right on me and held his own. I hated him KK. I hated the shit out of him."

"I didn't treat you like a mine." Karkat protested.

"No, but you didn't treat me like a human either."

"How did I treat you then?"

"Like a God who needed to be nursed back to health. Like I was flawless and everything I did wrong was just a problem that could be fixed. You saw what I could be instead of what I was-- and I was a wreck, KK. A car fucking crash and I was not in the mind for a serious relationship. You loved me too much, and I wasn't unable to return it in a healthy way." Sollux shook his head like he was trying to get water out of his ears. "Eridan... he wanted to know me. He sometimes goes through bouts of inexplicable generosity to those poorer than him, so he paid my hospital bills. He visited me a few times in Hollymore and that's where I hated him. He told me that going the way I was going, I would never be able to get a job or an apartment. I wanted to prove him wrong. I got a job in computer repairs and it paid for a tiny apartment. I just kept doing computer job after computer job and lived paycheck to paycheck, having to pay for health insurance so I could get my medicines-- I was glad that I didn't have a car because then I'd have to worry about gas and insurance... and then I realized..." Sollux looked Karkat hard in the eyes. "That's what you went through. That's everything you went through, Karkat, and on top of that, you had to deal with coming home to me. Sollux Captor," he spat his own name. "The lazy boy who beat you inches from unconsciousness. The boy who could've gotten a job to pay for his medicines but opted to instead slit his wrists and bleed all over your life." Sollux grimaced. "I went out as soon as I realized that and I got this." He pulled down his sleeve to show his wrist.

The cragged horizontal scar was covered up by an eastern text that Karkat could read instantly.

ਧੰਨਵਾਦ

"Thank you..." Karkat translated. The tattoo on his wrist read "thank you" in Punjabi. Something inside him melted. Karkat looked up at Sollux. This tattoo wasn't recent. It was a year or even two years old, no longer risen from the skin, but permanently etched there. Karkat tried to swallow the lump that formed in his throat, but it wouldn’t go away.

Sollux pulled back his other sleeve.

ਮੇਰੇ ਜੀਵਨ ਲਈ

“For my life.” Karkat whispered. Sollux dedicated this bit of himself to Karkat. A part that Karkat genuinely deserved.

“I owe you more than an apology, KK.” Sollux muttered. “To you, I owe my life.”

Karkat felt a soft calm overcome him. His soul had been filled with this buzzing anxiety, this nagging at the back of his neck that he had been so accustomed to. He looked up at Sollux, his shoulders slumped, his eyes tired from crying. He realized now how tired Sollux had made him. Karkat lived on edge, constantly listening for Sollux’s voice, subconsciously thinking about Sollux’s wellbeing. Now here he was, sitting large as life in front of Karkat with a declaration of health on his wrists. Written in Karkat’s native tongue. Karkat took Sollux’s wrists in his hands, pressing his palm up against the text. Sollux slipped into Karkat’s grasp.

“Please tell Ampora to stop harassing me.” Karkat said finally, holding Sollux’s hands.

“He’s a good guy. He really is, KK.” Sollux said. “He’s just scared of you. He’s afraid that if I see you again, I’ll go back to the boy who worshipped me. He says that he’s afraid that I’d stop taking my medicines and have you hold me together again. But I learned from my mistakes.”

“Was I a mistake?” Karkat’s voice was tiny. Sollux planted a kiss on Karkat’s forehead.

“Never.” Sollux said this so firmly that Karkat believed him. “I’m sorry, Karkat.” Sollux whispered, cupping Karkat’s cheek with a hand.

“I forgive you.” Karkat said. He wiped his nose with his sleeve and smiled a little bit. “I found a cello at work on Thursday. I haven’t played the cello in 4 years. It’s... it’s funny that the week I play cello again, you walk back into my life.”

“I’m glad you’re playing it.” Sollux said. “You deserve to have a cello with you. I used to ask you to play the cello for me.”

“And I would.” Karkat smiled at the memory. A silence filled Karkat’s room that cushioned him and Sollux. Sollux stood up and helped Karkat to stand. Karkat pulled Sollux into a hug and buried his face in Sollux’s chest.

“Good luck.” Karkat whispered. “Be happy, Sollux. If he makes you happy, then I love him too.”

“Karkat, you’re like a brother to me.” Sollux said. “I will love you forever. I always saw it that way. I was ashamed of myself for avoiding you for so long, but I always knew that I would come back to you.”

Karkat laughed half-heartedly. “You’re a brother to me too. Only, not much like Kankri.”

“Also you haven’t slept with Kankri.” Sollux backed out, smirking at him. “Well, that I know of.”

“God, no. Trust me. I don’t know of anyone who would sleep with Kankri.” Karkat laughed, wiping his eyes. Sollux walked to the door.

“I don’t think I should stay much longer.” Sollux said, fidgeting. Karkat nodded.

“I was about to kick you out, actually.” Karkat said. “It’s nothing personal. I just really need small doses of you right now.”

“I know what you mean.” Sollux said. “That was a lot of emotions. I’m gonna have to sit down and think about all this.”

“Me too.” Karkat said. He was on the brink of tears again. He didn’t know what he should feel. Looking at Sollux gave him a headache. They left Karkat’s room and turned the corner. Dave, Terezi, and John were sitting in the living room. John was curled up in Terezi’s lap, his face hidden from Karkat. Terezi’s eyes were closed and Dave was looking intently at his phone. He led Sollux to the front door.

“I’ll stop by on Monday, is that alright?” Sollux said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “at around 5pm. I... I need to do this in stages.”

“Yeah. That’s cool.” Karkat said. Sollux hesitated before leaning in and kissing Karkat's forehead softly. Karkat closed his eyes and bit his lip. By the time Karkat looked up, Sollux was down the driveway and in his car. Karkat couldn’t watch him drive away. He closed the door. He walked back into the living room. John still had his face pressed into Terezi’s stomach. Terezi was stroking John’s hair as Dave continued to remain emotionally sterile.

“Well...” Karkat said finally. “That was...” And then blood rushed all at once to his head and he fainted.

* * *

Karkat came to with John’s tearful face leaning over him. He was leaning against the couch with a damp cloth against his forehead.

“God, don’t... don’t do that!” John cried. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, John.” Karkat chuckled. “It was just... I wasn’t expecting all of this.” Karkat rubbed a sore spot on his head where it had connected with the floor. “Is there a chance that you didn’t hear me screaming?”

“Not even a little bit.” Terezi’s voice was somber. “He abused you?”

“Terezi--”

“He _abused_ you?” She sounded so disgusted and indignant. “He abused you and you stayed with him? He abused you so badly that you had your arm in a sling? That you stitched yourself up. Are you fucking kidding me.” Karkat’s stomach had turned into a cold pit.

“Terezi, you don’t understand.” Karkat responded.

“I don’t need to understand!” Terezi hissed. “There’s right and there’s wrong. There’s absolutely no reason why you should’ve been abused!” She was indignant. “You should’ve told me. What if he abuses others? What if he goes on thinking that what he did was alright?”

“Terezi, enough.” John said. Karkat and Terezi both were shocked at John’s firm tone. Terezi was stunned to silence. “This is why he didn’t tell you. You don’t know the full story.”

“And you do?” Terezi scoffed.

“Yes.” Karkat said. “I told him everything, Terezi.”

“Sollux saw Karkat as a hallucination.” John explained. “He tried to get rid of the demons by beating them. When he realized that it was Karkat and not his mind... he would turn a knife on himself.”

Terezi’s face darkened, trying to disguise her concern.

“Can we please, please stop talking about this.” Karkat asked, smally. “I’ve had too much nostalgia for one day.”

“Come on.” John helped Karkat to his feet. “I think sleep is what you need.”

* * *

John laid in Karkat's bed with him, stroking his face gently and staring into Karkat's face. Karkat looked up at John who was studying him intently.

"I feel raw." Karkat's voice was less than a whisper. "I don't love myself right now." His skin had been peeled back and he had been left open to dry. John pulled Karkat close.

"Let me do that for you." John murmured into Karkat's hair. He pressed his cheek against the top of Karkat's head. "I just wanted to go in there and stop all of that from happening to you. It killed me hearing you talk like you didn't matter. It hurts, Karkat."

Karkat felt the all-too familiar prickle in the base of his throat and the salty tears well in his eyes.

"I've been trying so hard to listen to your story without crying. I've been trying so hard not to blame someone and to stay in the present. I've been really really trying not to act like Terezi just did. Because I think you're wonderful, Karkat." Karkat began to sob. "I think you're beautiful and wonderful and I can't imagine anyone who could mistreat you." John pulled Karkat in closer to his chest as Karkat ducked into his shirt, clutching onto John for dear life. He fell limp and cried so openly that he could barely hear himself. He cried for every beating, he cried for every devil that flashed in Sollux's eyes. He cried for every moment that he hated himself and every overdue bill that he couldn't pay. He cried for how sweet John was. He cried for every single moment where he couldn't cry before. He was so close to John, being swaddled with his firm arms. He cried until he ran dry, exhausted and fell asleep there in John's arms.


	21. Chapter 21

Karkat went to Dave’s club hours before his shift and sneak into the room with the cello. He didn’t know who the cello belonged to, but he hoped that the owner wouldn’t be too mad when he explained to them that he was in love with it. Unfortunately, she was warped a bit in the back, giving the tune a bit of a warbly quality and her strings were fraying. She was dying, but she would die with beauty as she had lived. 

Karkat practiced on her so many times. He sometimes would stay late into the night when the club began to rave. He loved it. He felt so pure. 

“You’re pretty good, Vantas.” 

Karkat jumped nearly a mile out of his skin, turning to face Dave. He started cussing at Dave in Punjabi before he realized that Dave couldn’t speak the language. 

“That was beautiful.” Dave said. “You never told me that you played the cello.” 

“Yeah.” Karkat said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve been playing it since I was 5.” 

“Quite the veteran.” Dave nodded. He walked towards Karkat. “I knew that there was some instruments back here somewhere, but I didn’t know if they’d be of any use. This building used to be a music school. They went belly-up and just abandoned it.”

Karkat looked at the cello that he’d been having an illicit affair with for the past few weeks. She had been abandoned. Karkat’s subconscious regret disappeared immediately. 

“Look, I’m a believer in live music.” Dave said, leaning on one of the many wooden crates. “I want the dining experience of the people who eat at the restaurant to be... superb.” 

“What are you saying?”

“I’m trying to hire you on as a cellist.” Dave said. “I’ll pay you as though you’re a professional.”

Karkat tilted his head back and laughed bitterly. “Okay, even for you, this is a dick move, Strider.”

“What?”

“Okay, one? Cellists rarely sound ‘appealing’ solo. A cello solo is possible, but not a solo cello, okay? Two? What am I going to play? No offense to my darling here, but she’s old. She doesn’t sound right. Her strings are taught. And three. Pay me like a professional. Is this some kind of stupid fucking joke? I don’t understand why you think you can fuck with me like that.”

Dave pursed his lips. “Sorry dude. You’re right. I don’t know why I thought it would work.”

“Yeah.” Karkat sniffed. 

“Anyway, come home with me. I need to get something for tonight and I need your opinion on it.”

“What?”

“It’s a mix track.”

“Why don’t you ask Terezi or John?”

“Because they’re not musicians.” Dave said simply. Dave turned to leave, looking at Karkat over his shades, obviously intending him to follow. Karkat sighed and followed suit.

* * *

Karkat had never been inside Dave’s room before. It was pretty big. It had a huge bed in the center. It was draped in bedsheets that had gears on them. There were turn tables and loads of computer nonsense in the corner that Karkat suspected was Dave’s emergency mixing station. He knew about the sound proof recording room that was once a guest bedroom. Dave went to his computer and brought up the home screen. 

“Oh, and by the way? I lied.” Dave grinned. 

It took Karkat a moment to even comprehend what Dave said. 

“What?” 

“Surprise!” John jumped out of Dave’s closet, his hands above his head. Karkat screamed and doubled over in shock. His heart was racing, but he was smiling. John stood across the room with his hands on his hips. 

“John, what are you doing?”

“I’m here for band practice, sir!” John said. 

“What are you even talking about?” Karkat said, exasperated. 

“I play the piano. You play the cello. We’ll work at Dave’s restaurant together.” He said. 

“I don’t have a cello to play.” Karkat sighed. John was actually bouncing with excitement. He turned around into the dark closet and pulled out a hard cello case from inside its depths. 

“Ta da! Happy Birthday from me and Dave!” John said. 

"I heard you a few times back there, but I never wanted to approach you. You were kind of in your element. So... I just wanted to surprise you with this instead." Dave shrugged nonchalantly as though he were gifting some cheap guitar or a skateboard. 

Karkat felt his chest tighten. He walked towards the case slowly, taking it in his hands. He laid it down on its side and opened it. It lay on a bed of deep red velvet, so new and crisp. He doubted that this cello had even three previous renters. She was so sleek and new, she looked ancient and wise, though she was young and fresh. Though it was bright outside, he held dark notes inside-- Karkat could tell. This cello was destined to play melancholic music. 

“I can’t believe...” Karkat’s words were breathless. He slid his fingers across the varnish. “I can’t believe you guys rented this for me...”

“Rented?” Dave snorted. Karkat turned to look at him sharply. “Nah, I don’t play that half-ass rented shit. Why rent something when I’m rich as fuck? That beauty is yours, and yours for good.” 

Karkat frowned at Dave. 

“Don’t fuck with me, Strider.” His voice was low. “Not about this.”

“I’m not.” Dave said. “I’m a musician. I understand.” Karkat closed his eyes and put his hand on the wood. She called to him. A virgin cello, stiff, waiting for Karkat to breathe life into her. Karkat felt at peace. 

“Kaur.” Karkat whispered, resting a hand on her smooth wooden body. “for Lioness.” Pita would be proud. Showing your true Sikh self! Porrim’s middle name was Kaur, just as his Ammaaa’s middle name was Kaur-- Just as every female Sikh’s middle name was Kaur. But this cello was his religion. She was his princess. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that John hears Karkat play is the lovely Suite for Solo Cello no. 1 in G major - Prelude by J.S. Bach. I particularly like Denise Djokic's interpretation because of her facial expressions. I just imagined Karkat frowning and closing his eyes in deep concentration. 
> 
> Listen to it here!  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMRJmrLYVTw
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting I really appreciate it so much. This is the last chapter, followed by the Epilogue. It was such a fun story to write and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

John was incredibly talented at piano. He effortlessly learned accompanying pieces to several songs. Karkat had refused to play cello in front of John so far, saying that he didn't like to be watched when he was learning pieces. He preferred to put on a performance. John whined and complained and begged to hear Karkat playing, but Karkat wouldn't let him. 

"We have to practice together sometime." he said indignantly. "We can't just show up to Dave's restaurant without knowing how each other's timing works." 

Karkat sighed. "It's... It's a really personal part of me." Karkat said finally. "I just don't show it to everyone. When I practice is when I'm allowed to speak to the cello. It's when I'm learning her, and she's learning me. I'm completely vulnerable. I don't like people seeing me like that, you know. When I perform, we've rehearsed. We know each other." Karkat scratched the back of his neck. 

"Didn't you want to eventually play in a symphony?" John put his hands on his hips. Karkat laughed bitterly. 

"Like that's even a shadow of a possibility."

"Of course its possible. You have the passion. Dave says you have the talent. And we're trying to get you the opportunity." John took Karkat's hands and raised them to his eyes. "I want to see what you can do." Karkat paused. 

Karkat scoffed. "Are you saying that you doubt me?" 

John shrugged nonchalantly and looked over his shoulder at Karkat. "I'm just saying. What if you're all talk?"

Karkat shrugged. "Maybe I am. I just..." Karkat fidgeted a bit. "Not yet, John. It's a part of me that's kind of private."

John pursed his lips but turned his eyes downward. 

"Okay." John finally bowed out. "You win. But you do realize that we have to practice together eventually, right?" 

Karkat nodded and turned away. John made to leave the room and Karkat watched until the door was closed and he was left in the soundproof room alone. 

* * *

The first time John heard Karkat play the cello, John thought he was in a dream. John had just entered Karkat and Terezi's apartment with the key that Terezi gave him and heard the sound from across the room. It was a beautiful song that sounded like dancing. John crept towards the room, his eyes misted. The closer he got to the music, the closer it felt to his heart. He opened the door slowly and saw Karkat there, sitting in the corner of the drawing room facing the open window. His eyes were closed as he swayed with the changing pitch and volume, the bow flying across the strings. 

The tune was so familiar, like a spring day. John looked at Karkat. He really looked at him. A soft breeze swirled in through the open window as Karkat's whole body moved in time with the piece. He became the music. The passion, God, the passion that Karkat held for the music was so beautiful, so utterly breathtaking that as it reached it highest notes and rounded off in a beautiful harmonious note, finishing like a flower petal, John tilted Karkat's chin up and kissed him. John didn't even think about it. Karkat whispered in punjabi, his eyes half lidded. He was so raw right now, his fingers trembling over Kaur, his lips shivering against John's. 

"How could you not want me to see you like this?" John whispered. 

"I..." Karkat closed his eyes. "It is like stripping nude." Karkat's voice was stuck in his throat a bit. 

"You're beautiful. You're absolutely beautiful, Karkat." John breathed against Karkat's neck. Karkat backed away from John, his eyes still glossy from either recently playing or from the tenderness of the kiss. He gingerly placed the cello in her case and turned to face John from across the room. John took a tentative step forward and covered his mouth with a couple fingers, reluctant to approach Karkat. 

"John..." 

At the sound of Karkat's voice John ran into Karkat's arms and held him. The drawing room was Terezi's old study, covered from floor to ceiling with her old favorite books, law texts from around the world and globes. It hadn't been used since she went blind, but Terezi had always insisted that Karkat use it to play cello. It had huge windows to the back of the room and they overlooked the bay. Karkat had no idea how Terezi got this apartment for the price that she paid monthly, but it was perfect. The orange sunset bathed everything in its warmth, caressing John and Karkat as they embraced in the echoes of the cello's song. 

"I want you." John whispered after what seemed like an eternity. "I can't stand the idea of someone else being with you, the possibility of it sends shivers through me."

Karkat searched the blue eyes for a that splinter of a lie that must be hidden, but he couldn't find any. 

"I... I think about you constantly. I want you to be happy. I... I see your character, I hear your music and you're so beautiful Karkat, you're so damn beautiful that I just want to be with you. I just..." John laughed nervously and buried his face in Karkat's shoulder. Karkat leaned his head against John's and held him tighter. 

"You are the sweetest, goofiest, most sincere person I've ever met. You look people in the eye when you talk to them. Your smile... is..." Karkat chuckled and nuzzled John's ear. "... it's like...You're this person. This person that's been carved from different shades of perfect and I have no idea how you landed here in my arms."

"Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?" John murmured. Karkat chuckled. 

"No fucking way." Karkat joked. John kicked him. 

"Come on, I don't like anyone else." 

"Oh, are you saying if you liked someone else that you'd be able to get them just like that?"

"No, I'm saying that I don't know if I'll ever be able to like someone else ever again." John's voice was so small that once Karkat registered what John had said, he hesitated and pulled John close to him. 

"Yes, John." Karkat's jokes had left him and a bathwater happiness bubbled inside of him, lifting him from the ground. "Only if you promise to be my boyfriend too." 

John backed out and smiled at him, barely noticeable, his eyes twinkling. 

"It's a deal." 

And they kissed like the sun would stay in the sky and the clouds would never darken. They kissed like the birds would sing and the trees would blossom and like every fruit was sweet and juicy. They kissed like everything in the world was perfect. 

Because...finally. After years of pain. Karkat's world was perfect.

_End_


	23. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

A round of applause followed the last tinkling piano notes and the deep vibrato of the cello. Karkat looked up into the crowd of faces and caught eyes with a man staring at Karkat and John with heavy interest in Karkat particularly. Usually, people didn't stare at the two musicians, they ate their lunches, listened passively and clapped politely when the piece was over. This man had a glass of wine and had his chair turned completely towards Karkat and John. 

"That's it for us, folks. I am your pianist John Egbert accompanying the brilliant cellist Karkat Vantas." John spoke into the microphone. Dave had both Karkat and John wear tuxedoes. Apparently it did something for presentation, but Karkat just felt like a penguin. Dave had Karkat pull his hair back in a ponytail with some of his bangs neatly framing his face. Karkat wasn't used to being so dressed up. He momentarily considered putting his hair up in a Joora, but he felt too old for that. He didn't want to put his hair up in a Dastaar; he figured that it might be blasphemous. He didn't follow the Sikh religion closely anymore, and he thought that turbans were reserved for those who did. He stood and bowed next to John. He followed John to the room where Kaur's case awaited her. That wasn't the only thing that awaited him there. 

Sollux stood, elegantly leaning with his dashing smile directed at Karkat. Eridan stood next to Sollux, blushing angrily. 

"I... Sollux!" Karkat said. "I wasn't expecting you." Even though it had been nearly a month since Sollux had walked back into his life, it was still a bit of a shock every time he saw Sollux. They had maintained a sterile sort of correspondence, a formality grew between the two men.

"Hey, KK." Sollux said sweetly. John always attempted to shield Karkat from Sollux. Even if it was subconscious, John would always try and protect Karkat. It was even less surprising that Eridan did just about the same thing, just infinitely less subtle. Eridan and Karkat had begrudgingly shaken hands and were ordered by John and Sollux to spend some time trying to understand each other as Sollux and John were left to their own devices. That was probably one of the most stressful days of recent. 

"You play wonderfully." Eridan's admittance was strained, but sincere. Karkat put his hands on his hips. 

"Of course I fucking do." Karkat said. "I bet you doubted me."

"Of course I did!" Eridan said. "Like I'm supposed to believe everything that comes out of your mouth." 

"I haven't lied to you! When the fuck have I lied to you." Karkat asked. 

Eridan opened his mouth to respond before Sollux covered it with his hand. 

"Okay, let's... not do this." Sollux shook his head. "You were brilliant, KK. I missed hearing you. How come you never invited me?" 

Karkat looked away and didn't respond. 

"He probably thought it was going to clash with your work schedules." John stepped forward. "I mean, it's the middle of the day on weekdays." John knew how Karkat felt about the music that came out of his cello. Sollux had known Karkat's soul once before and John knew that it may be hard for Karkat to let him back in so easily. 

"I figured I might as well stop by and see if you were playing." Sollux took a step forward. "It was as beautiful as I remembered it." 

"Yeah." John said, laughing once. "There's nothing like the power of a live cello." 

"I'd have to agree." A voice interrupted them. Everyone turned to look at the newcomer. The man who had been staring at Karkat in the audience approached Karkat. 

"Hello, I'm Jonathan Halloway." He said stepping in the sitting room. "I'm from Lorach agency. I heard about unrepresented talent down here and I thought I'd check you out."

"Oh, god. Are you like, an agent?" 

"Yep." Jonathan said. "I don't charge a cent until you've got a job."

"I've already got a job, thanks." Karkat said. 

"A job that I think you're capable of." Jonathan said. "Something similar to the symphonic orchestra. They're having an audition for cellists, which is why I came down here in the first place. I think you have talent enough to get in. If you're hired on as a cellist, you can make the decision to hire me or ignore me. But if you don't get hired you don't owe me a single penny."

Karkat was nearly breathless. A Symphonic orchestra was holding auditions for a cellist and an agent wanted to sponsor him. Just a year ago he was working in Cafe All Day and didn't see any other alternative for the rest of his life.

"We'll have to think about it, if you don't mind." Eridan stepped forward. "Thank you for the information about the auditions, but we're not sure you're right just yet." 

"Understandable." Jonathan's smile was sterile. "I think you're a brilliant talent and I would love to represent you, Mr. Vantas." He handed Karkat and Eridan his card. "Please stay in touch, I'd love to assist you with the audition preparations."

"We'll be in touch." Eridan said, his arms crossed as Jonathan Halloway turned and left. 

"Oh my fuck." Karkat said. "I'm nowhere near good enough for an audition that big--"

Eridan was already two steps ahead of Karkat, on his cellphone, talking to someone politely. 

"What's he doing?" Karkat asked Sollux. Sollux sighed. 

"You know how he's ridiculously controlling in certain situations?" Karkat nodded as Sollux continued. "Well, I think he's trying to be your agent."

"I thought he couldn't stand me." Karkat said in surprise. Sollux shrugged. 

"No one is allowed to fuck with you, though. He can smell when someone wants to twist money out of someone, and he wanted to protect you."

"God, that's too sincere for him."

"Yeah, he displays his caring by making certain decisions for you." Sollux rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, though. He leaves all the big things up to you." 

"Personal experience, is it?" 

"You have no fucking clue." Sollux chuckled. The sincere moment was cushioned by the years. Karkat averted Sollux's eyes and ducked back into John's arms. 

"Thank you. Yes. Got it. I owe you one, Kan." Eridan said as he hung up the phone. "The piece you have to learn is called the Sarabande from Bach's Cello Suite #1. Have you heard of it?" 

"The Sarabande? Yes, I have... I don't have the sheet music."

"Don't worry about that." Eridan said. "You have a month to learn the piece. You need a couple references and to have been playing the cello for more than three years. There will be callbacks. There are seven seats for cellos available. I'm certain you'll get in." Eridan's hands were in his pocket.

"How do you know all this?"

"Are you kidding? The gay community is basically an interwoven network of everyday people in jobs all over the city. I called up one of my lesbian friends whose girlfriend is first chair violin at the Symphony."

"Damn..." Karkat whispered. "First chair violin..."

"Yeah. Anyway, she thinks that she can get you a reference with her if you go and play for her. And you've got the reference of the man who hired you here so, that's a couple of references. That Jonathan prick would probably send you there with no references and the wrong song. Sometimes people like to watch others crash and burn, and I just saw that in his eyes."

"Why are you helping me?" Karkat asked. Eridan flashed an angry eye. 

"Is there a problem with me wantin' to help you?"

"No..." Karkat said. "It's just... thank you."

Eridan smirked. "Don't thank me until you're sittin' in that symphony, alright?" 

"No fucking problem." Karkat said, his heart racing at the possibility.

"Okay." Eridan said curtly. "Come on, Sol. Your lunch break is nearly over." 

"Right." Sollux said, alarmed. "It was great hearing you play again." Sollux said. "I'll talk to you later, okay?" 

"Alright." Karkat said softly. Sollux and Eridan left the room, the door closing gently behind them. John fell into Karkat's arms and laughed. 

"You were fantastic. I never get over it. Never." John whispered. 

"Hold the fucking phone, Egbert. or I'll think that you're just dating me for my raw talent." John turned his eyes down and slid his hand towards Karkat's midsection. 

"I am dating you for your talent...." John chuckled. Karkat blushed. 

"Stop-- not here, John." 

"Oh come on," John whispered in Karkat's ear. Dating John came with several perks, one of them was his sexual openness. Whenever the mood would hit him, especially in public, John would make passes at Karkat, touching him in spots that sent embarrassed shivers down Karkat's spine. 

"No, you whore, keep it in your pants until we get home." Karkat flushed. 

"We can get it out of your pants right now..." John snickered. Karkat slapped his hand away and John threw his head back and laughed. "You're so sweet with that blush on your face."

"Shut up." Karkat 's growl was half-sincere. "Let's get home." He murmured. "I need to look up the sheet music for the Sarabande." John sighed and started stripping off his tuxedo. Karkat let down his hair and changed into his clothes. An audition made his stomach squirm in a way that he hadn't felt it squirm in years. He felt the way that he did when he would play for his brothers and sisters. He ached for the approval, and maybe, finally, he would gain his own approval, feeling worthy of the skin over his bones at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading my story! I'm thinking about writing a short little sequel but we'll see how that works out.


End file.
